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I am trans and questioning if my sexual trauma is preventing me from being honest about it.

Discussion in 'Sexual Orientation' started by Dino001, Sep 23, 2020.

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  1. Dino001

    Dino001
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    Coming out as trans gender would mean a lot of change in the way I am perceived. (obviously) I know that no matter what I am still me... i just feel very at a loss. I am not even sure why i feel this way because i do believe the people who are meant to love you always will. None the less its been a huge factor in me going back into the closet. I started to tell a few people and even had my roommates trying out different names, it just felt so different like a version of me was in a way going to have to die. I want to feel comfortable in my own skin. Binding and wearing my dope facial hair i found on amazon I feel like me for the first time in my life. I just also feel like the torment queen i was born into is fighting my want based on my sexual traumas. I am scared that the people I am attracted to won't like me back because of who i am. I feel like a middle schooler to be quite frank. I also fear being someones fetish. Being asian and black I already feel objectified on the daily and I am scared to add onto that feeling. Has anyone else ever felt similar?
     
    #1 Dino001, Sep 23, 2020
  2. QuietPeace

    QuietPeace
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    Yes

    Many of your fears are realistic.
    • Some people will hate you just for being honest about who you are (this is why IRL I live mostly stealth)
    • Some people will not be attracted to you (this is true of everyone regardless of their lived gender experience or orientation)
    • You will be a fetish object to some people (this has driven me to avoid sex and even relationships at times)
    Will a part of you have to die? I never felt a part of me had to die, I just stopped letting people force me into wearing a costume and pretending to be someone that I am not. If throwing the lie out means that lie dies, that is not a part of me dying.

    Are you doing it because of sexual traumas - I don't know, maybe address this in therapy. I suffered sexual traumas as a child and I have again as an adult. I do not think that those traumas contributed to my lived gender experience. They did mess with my self image as did my mothers emotional abuse and manipulation but none of that invalidates who I am.
     
    #2 QuietPeace, Sep 23, 2020
  3. Dino001

    Dino001
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    can you elaborate when you say that you live mostly stealth? What is that like for you? I think even beyond sexual attraction I worry about losing the trust factor. I am a massage therapist and I feel like when i am presenting like a female people are more comfortable with me sooner and when I'm me it seems different. Not that I ever say it really just since cutting my hair and I stopped wearing makeup as often and I know I shouldn't but some days I bind myself at work. I definitely relate to the costume comment I feel like every time I get dressed in my "female clothes" i am a pretender or an actor. I do it a lot even when I know I don't need to its just since coming out to the few people I have it seems to be all they want to talk about and I would really rather just exist. Its like there is no place to be comfortable other then when I'm alone and can do as i please without being interviewed.

    I guess the perception of me i feel is dying? I think i feel that feeling mostly with my mom. Not being able to be the strong powerful woman she never could because... i am not a woman. lol It looks silly to write it out.

    I am sorry to hear about your abuse thats a deep battle. Are you close with your mom in your adulthood if you don't mind my asking?
     
    #3 Dino001, Sep 24, 2020
  4. QuietPeace

    QuietPeace
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    To live completely stealth would mean that no one in your life knows about your birth assignment, not even doctors. For me I do tell medical personnel including my psych team (therapist, social worker and a nurse). Right now in the country where I live only my husband, their mother (who my husband outed me to) and one friend know that my birth assignment is different from my lived experience. With everyone else I am out as panromantic but I do not share anything beyond that. Sometimes it is annoying to be "keeping a secret" but after having someone try to murder me when he found out (through trying to rape me) and having the police decide that was not a crime, I stopped being open about my birth assignment.

    My mother died in 2014. Our relationship was complicated, she resented my existence and she was a narcissist. She was controlling and manipulative and I let her mess with me until a few months before she died. She never accepted me for who I am, I tried telling her as far back as when I was about 4. I officially came out when I was 23 and she died almost 30 years after that without ever accepting me. I honestly wish that I had cut her out of my life when I came out (and wish that I had come out earlier), had I stood up to her I feel that it would have redirected my life and that I most likely would have avoided much of the abuse that happened (including the conversion therapy).
     
    #4 QuietPeace, Sep 24, 2020
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