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I am torn.

Discussion in 'Family, Friends, and Relationships' started by thatsjustjess, Dec 1, 2014.

  1. thatsjustjess

    Regular Member

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    Sexual Orientation:
    Lesbian
    This is a tough one. My name Jessica. I have a girlfriend that i am completly in love with but something happened recently that has me completely torn about where our relationship is going to end up.

    We have been together for a year, well let's say exactly a year. A couple weeks ago was our one year anniversary. That was the day it all happened actually. So I should start with telling you a little about her and her family. Well her family are all christians. Her father is a pastor. They own their own church, that only a small part of the family goes to. My girlfriend is very dependent on her parents, she has one older brother and he is 21 and my girlfriend is 18. The two of them are very mumuch spoiled and they still live with their parents. My girlfriend is very dependent on her parents. She is not very mature. Her parents deny she is gay, they have found out about her once before I met her, and that time she ran away for a week, then came home and the family never talked about it and made her switch schools, when she got to her new school well she met me. And we fell in love. I met her family, but they only knew me as her friend. We kept it from them for as long as we could. I got extremely close to the point where they were my family, I would sleep over and spend every weekend with them and holifays, I was at their house more then my own sometimes. They knew me as her bestfriend. I went to church with them every sunday. They trusted me. I was always scared of them finding out. But my girlfriend insisted we keep it a secret and told me what had happened before when they found out.
    It was our one year anniversary, I had spent the night at her house the following night, we woke up that morning and went to school, by the way we are on highschool. She's a second year senior and I'm a junior . We went to school that day, and everything was perfect, we had a great anniversary.. so far. Then after school we decided to go to my house, where both of my parents know, and we can be ourselves. Later that day, my girlfriend gets a call from her mom, her mom is upset and furious telling her to get home. My girlfriend thinks the worst,and asks if there was anything that her parents couldve found indicating our relationship. I look for my anniversary gift, and realize I left it on the counter at her house, it was a picture of us and a letter from my girlfriend about our 1 year. Her parents found it, before my girlfriend leaves she tells me that they might move her schools and that I need to know it's going to get hard, and we might not be able to talk. But we will make it through this because we love eachother. I believe hher when she says this. She leaves and I don't hear anything from her for 5 and half hours. I finally get a call from her, she tell me that it's her choice and that the next day she is dropping out of school and that we can't be together. She says it's what's best for her. And it's her decsion. That night I'm in a straight panic, I feel like my whole world is coming apart. And I can't do anything about it. She drops out the next day. I'm heartbroken and confused. Eventually she tells me she can't lose me but she can't lie to her parents, and that she wants to be friends. I agree, not wanting to lose her. We talk for about a week like this, things were weird and I wasn't sure what I could and couldn't say to her, she still called me babe, and told me she loved me but it wasn't enough for me, it wasn't the same. I couldn't just be her friend. I couldn't take it anymore, it wasn't fair to me, I told her that I couldn't do it anymore, and completely cut her off. She called and texted but I ignored it, she took me for granted and she needed to realize that. It lasted a couple days, then one night, she called and I picked up, I don't know why I did, but I did. And she was herself again, she was the beautiful amazing girl I feel in live with, not some brain washed girl who had forgotten everything. She told me she loved me and she made the biggest mistake of her life, and she never wants to lose me, and shell do anything to be with me, and that she will make this work. I told her we can try again but we both have to work on ourselves and figure this all out together. Well since then we have been on a bit of a rollercoaster ride, some days are great and some arnt, we fight and we make up, I want more, but she can't give that to me. She says she wants me, but she's not ready to give up her family. I'm trying my best to understand but it's hard, before I was with her and her family 24/7 and now I maybe see her once a week if I'm lucky. She says either way she loses, if she picks me, she loses her family, but if she stays then she might lose me, but I've told her I'm not going anywhere. I know it's hard to give up family, but if they can't respect who she is, why should she respect them. I feel like I'm worth so much more, I don't deserve to be a secret and it's so hard. I'm just so torn, Im trying to respect that she's not ready, but there comes a point where I have to come first, because I always put her first. I'm just so confused.
     
    #1 thatsjustjess, Dec 1, 2014
    Last edited: Dec 1, 2014