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I am so confused about my sexuality, please help!

Discussion in 'Sexual Orientation' started by Life95, Apr 26, 2021.

  1. Life95

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    Hi everyone, I am quite confused about my sexuality. Hoping someone can help me to make some sense of it.

    I am a 25 year old male. Since I was young I had this sexual desire towards stronger hairy masculine men. I used to watch a lot of Gay Porn when I was young and after masturbating would feel terrible and hate my desires and would say to myself I am meant to be with women. When in School and college and growing up my romantic desires were always towards women. I was also sexually attracted to them. I would have crushes towards women in school and in college. I never had any crushes towards men. I would be just sexually attacted to men I see in porn movies etc. 5 years ago I decided to bury all of this and watching gay porn and stopped. Much of this was brought on by fear of religion and for people I know me finding out. I developed OCD like symptoms when stopping also where I would have to begin on right date time etc. (could not be a number 6 as seen as evil in some religions). But I managed to stop and for 4 years dated women had sex with them and progressed very well in many areas of my life. The temptations died down a lot but the temptations of Gay Porn were still there at times but its like I would get a kick out of avoiding it and would put my energy into other areas such as college and work. Sometimes I think that is what made me progress with so much of my life was transmuting that sex energy into something else. But I found the desire for men would fall when dating girls and life going well but would come on more so when things not going well.

    Although I dated several women I never was in an official relationship and the answer I thought to killing the sexual desire towards men was to find my first love and girlfriend and it would go. Just when I was really ready to settle down with a girl, a year ago when I was out of work and covid also came I had a lot of free time to think and for the first time started feeling a lot of shame for watching Gay Porn when younger and had a sort of breakdown. I also had come across the law of attraction and started thinking if I could only start thinking about women and focus on that then the gay desires would go away because anything is meant to be possible using law of attraction. At the same time I started seeking therapy for my challenges. For the first time I spoke about it which was great. The shame is not there anymore but what is there now is a lot of confusion. What confuses me is why I am only really attracted to that stronger hairier type of masculine men. I too am quite hairy and bearded and am relatively strong but working out to bulk even more. I am quite masculine too. I would say I am only attracted to like 5% of men I see on dating sites whereas I feel attacted to like 70% of women I see. Thats what makes me upset about my sexuality as there does not seem to be that many men that interest me. But it's like the 5% of men I see I feel more of a sexual desire for them than any woman as its like it feels more exciting as could so so much sexually than with woman. I would see myself as more of a versatile type. Although at times when I think about being the bottom it makes me uncomfortable probably because I have not engaged it in before. But feels exciting at other times. It's only in the last few months I am starting to maybe feel a little romantic attraction towards men too but still feels stronger towards women. I also don't really look at men in the same way as being like "he is really good looking and heartthrob type feeling", that is only really with women.

    My therapists says the only way to figure out my sexuality is to try things out with a man. I would have more acceptance of me being for example Bisexual if I was attracted to men the same way as women. I find it strange how I am attracted to like polar opposites types of people where the women I love being very feminine and the men being strong and hairy. I feel like there is two different people inside of me sometimes, one straight and one gay! I mean aren't bisexual men usually attracted to a wide range of men? I worry too that watching Gay Porn with those types of strong hairy men distorted my view and there is not really many of those types of gay/bi men out there. I wonder too does my sexual desire for men appeal to me as it appears more "wrong" and exciting in my mind in comparison to women. I would consider myself just your average bloke and would love to try and meet someone out there who I can relate to. I find the LGBT+ scene sometimes very outside my comfort zone and would just like to meet someone I can relate to. I wonder where can I find the men that interest me? I often think it would feel weird telling my mother that I am attracted to some men and she would be like oh do you like that guy in the street and I don't as I am only attracted to very few men. Sometimes I feel I am alone in the way I feel. I would love to come out but I just feel too confused and have not confirmed my sexuality and have not tried out anything with a guy.

    Any help would be much appreciated! I have tried seeking advice on this through other means also but unfortunately I am still quite confused and have not really gotten the answers I am looking for.

    I also struggle still quite a bit on thinking it is against God/Religion if anyone can help me with this. I am a Roman Catholic.

    Thanks
     
  2. Chip

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    If your therapist is telling you that the only way to figure out your sexuality is to try something with a guy... you absolutely need a new therapist. That's irresponsible and blatantly incompetent to say that.

    You have a bunch of complicated interrelated issues that are making it difficult to determine what's going on. First off, watching muscle/hairy guys in porn isn't going to affect who you're attracted to. Second, the religious stigma is definitely playing a part here. The shame you felt after ejaculating when thinking about guys is part evolutionary; we're wired to lose interest in sex after ejaculation, otherwise we would never leave our caves to get food. The revulsion you feel is overlaid, conditioned guilt because you've been told that being attracted to guys is wrong. And the fact that you have these strong fantasies toward guys, and at their strongest, they are much stronger than feelings toward women pretty much tells us that you definitely have attraction to guys. But there's also at least some attraction to women. So, like most people, you're somewhere on the continuum. Keep in mind sexual orientation isn't a binary or even a trinary; it's a spectrum. Kinsey set it as 0 to 6 with 0 being 100% straight and 6 being 100% gay. But only a small % of people are at one extreme end or the other.

    What you are describing sounds like you're probably at the gay end of bisexual. I suspect that the attraction to women is, at least in part, the desire to conform to religious values.

    What I often suggest in situations like this is to spend some time masturbating without porn and see where your mind goes. What fantasies come up? What happens when you think about guys vs girls? Which is a more intense experience? This is a pretty reliable indicator of what's going on.

    The last piece is the OCD, which could be affecting things here, but my guess is, based on what you are saying, that it is less of an influence in your particular situation, because you are describing strong sexual attraction to some men.
     
  3. quebec

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    Life95.....I'd like to talk about your last comment concerning your struggle with religion...I had the same difficulty when I came out...

    Ah yes....the religious guilt trip...I know it well! Before I start sounding too anti-religion I should tell you that I am a Christian and I have kept my faith as well as being gay. That sounds like a contradiction, but it can happen. It sounds to me like you haven't yet been able to shake off the indoctrination that said that being LGBTQ was a terrible sin, that taught that we are broken and must be fixed. Even when I accepted that I was and always had been gay, I still had a serious conflict between my faith and what I knew to be absolute truth...that I was gay. It so happens that my faith was a choice of my own...I was not raised to go to church and all that entails. So turning my back on what I believed was not going to be easy. I spent a little over a year in very serious study of what the Bible...not church dogma, not church leaders...says about homosexuality. I read a number of books and studied the significant passages in the Bible in the original Aramaic, Hebrew and Greek. What I found relieved me tremendously and also upset me. It seems that a number of passages in the Bible have been mistranslated, misinterpreted, and sometimes even twisted to justify a predetermined, prejudiced point of view. A view that supports the belief that any non-heterosexual relationship is evil, sinful and immoral. At best this is unforgivingly poor scholarship. At worst this is an outright lie. I can tell you that nowhere does the Bible condemn same-sex relationships as we know them...why? Simply because same-sex relationships as we know them did not even exist at the time the Old and New Testament were written. If you would like more detailed information about this I can provide it for you...just let me know.

    So my point here is that the guilt and shame that caused so much self-hate in my life has no foundation at all. I was told that every LGBTQ individual had made a choice to be that way because they were filled with lust. I was told that all of us were going to hell. IT.IS.A.LIE. I am made in the image of God. God made me the way I am and, as I believe, God does not make mistakes!! I am as I was meant to be and never, ever need to be ashamed of who I am. Learning that what I had been told for so long was completely false, made me angry for a while...but understanding that there was no justification at all for me to feel that guilt was such a wonderful feeling! Now that I know there is no reason at all to feel that guilt, It's gone. It did take a little while to adjust to the new me...but I am so much happier now!

    Just as an interesting side note...the word "homosexual" was not invented until 1896 and was not even used in the Bible until 1946.

    I so hope that what I have written here will help you to understand that you can be rid of those guilty feelings. I hope that you will be able to feel emotionally and/or sexually attracted to anyone...without any kind of guilt! I hope that you can be who you truly are without any kind of hesitation...we don't need to be fixed because WE.ARE.NOT.BROKEN!

    I have a lot of information about homosexuality and the Bible. If you would like more I can easily give it to you...just ask. For example: It's easy to prove that the destruction of Sodom and Gomorrah had absolutely nothing to do with homosexuality. The Bible itself proves it!

    .....David :gay_pride_flag:
     
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  4. Life95

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    Hi Chip,

    Thank you very much for your reply. Well to be fair she did not say it in a blatant way. She was very understanding and empathetic in hearing my story for weeks and still continues to hear my story and questioning. She just says in a kind way that eventually to know better what my sexuality is I should try out a date with a guy and see how it goes.

    That is a good point about who you watch is not going to effect who you are attracted to. I guess the attraction develops naturally. Interesting point also about my feelings of shame after masturbating, makes a lot of sense! I have heard that also about sexuality being very fluid and a long spectrum. I think if I can become more accepting of that I will feel better and would help explain my own sexuality.

    When I mastrubate without porn I do get turned on by having sex with women in my head too but it is a bit more like it does not make me aroused as much as when I think about having sex with the type of men I am into. But I still do get turned on by the thoughts of a naked womens body and especially the type of women I am into. I do find though that imagining having sex with a woman takes a bit more force for me to do it and that I would love to just really switch my thoughts when mastrbating to the fantasy of having sex with a man. But with women its like I still feel when imagining having sex with them the intense burning sensation of making love and just wanting to take care of the woman and feel in total love in that moment. But when trying to do this with a guy I find it not the same and can't really get that heart beating burning love wanting to take care of them type feeling. But in essence I would feel a lot more horny and exciting doing it with the type of men I am into.

    Sorry which piece are you talking about that is a bit OCD?

    Really appreciate your help on this!

    Thanks again.
     
  5. Life95

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    Hi David,

    Thank you so much for your mail! It is so helpful! I makes me feel a lot better about my sexuality and being comfortable with it aswell as still being religious. i definitely agree that God is perfect and makes us all perfect. It would not make any sense if he made us with these feelings towards the same sex and they were wrong! I think I am ok for the timebeing without further detail but I may reach back out again if I feel I need to for these details if that is ok.

    Thank you again, much appreciated!
     
  6. Chip

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    So what I take away from the above is that thinking about the types of guys you are into is a lot more arousing for you than thinking about women. That would tend to confirm the idea that you are at the gay end of the spectrum. I think the business about "with women I want to feel in love at that moment, and with men I don'\t so much" probably has a lot more to do with your conscious discomfort with the idea of being gay than it does with actual stronger attraction to women. Many guys discover that as they get more accepting toward their same-sex attraction, they find their opposite-sex attraction fading away. This doesn't mean that it changed, it just means that as you become more in tune with your hardwired attractions, your conscious mind has less reason to essentially create a story to distract you or make you happy.

    Again, this doesn't mean you're gay, only that it pretty clearly sounds like there's attraction to guys and it's stronger than the attraction to girls.

    With the OCD, what I was saying is that people with a history of OCD can have difficulty with obsessive thoughts about whether or not they are gay. The difference here is, when OCD drives it, there's little to no objective evidence to support the concern, and overwhelming evidence to the contrary. Yet no matter how overwhelming the evidence, the person with OCD will focus on one tiny little hint they can latch onto, and convince themselves that this means they're gay. It doesn't, but there's no convincing them, because that's the way OCD hijacks one's brain. And there can be milder forms of that, but I see no sign of your OCD interfering with your understanding of your sexuality.
     
  7. quebec

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    Life95.....I'm glad that I can help. Any time that you want information on LGBTQ+ and how we relate to religion, please don't hesitate to message me. :old_smile: I agree with everything that Chip has said about OCD. I have OCD and take meds as well as work with my therapist to control it. OCD can devastate a person's life and is not a joke like so many people use it. I hope that you don't have it and if you suspect that you do, please talk to a professional about it!
    .....David :gay_pride_flag:
     
  8. Life95

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    Hi Chip,

    Apologies for the delay in getting back. You have a good point there about the conscious discomfort about the idea of being Gay rather than an actual stronger attraction to women. Maybe also it could be because I have never tried anything with a guy before and it is hard for me to see the romantic connection whereas I can with women as they are familiar to me.

    Yes I don't have OCD from what I know. In my original post where I described my point about the number 6 and stopping watching the Gay Porn which was OCD like I think at that time it was an obsession I had but thankfully it is now gone.

    Another thing I thought I would mention is when I think about the thoughts about having sex with a man I get a desire to feel my nipples and it makes the experience and masturbating much better. But when I imagine having sex with a woman I do not like playing with my nipples as I feel its just weird when with a woman. Its like I don't feel like a man when doing it and maybe thats why I dont do it when think about women. Would you have any idea what could be going on here?

    Thanks
     
  9. Life95

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    Hi David,

    Apologies for the delay in getting back. Again I appreciate the advice and offer, thank you :slight_smile:

    Sorry to hear about your struggles with OCD but well done to you for tackling it and talking to your therapist about it. I wish you the best of luck in your effort to control it :slight_smile: Thankfully I do not suspect I have it nor my therapist either.

    Something I was looking to ask you about if you do not mind is your opinion on two men having a child and maybe how it relates to Religion. All my life really I thought it was only a woman I would end up with and would have kids. But now that may not be the case and I end up with a man it gets me down sometimes that I may not have kids with a woman. I was just wondering if I was to ever have kids with a man in the future whether adopted or donor-assisted is it right. There still is quite a large part of me that thinks this is wrong and that a child deserves to have a mother and a father and if say they had two Dads it just goes against nature and God. That the child should have a mother figure. Could I get your opinion on this? Sorry I do not mean to be offensive in any way, just telling you the way my brain thinks which can be wrong many times!

    Thanks
     
  10. QuietPeace

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    I will weigh in on this. I was raised by parents with similar views as you are talking about here. I disagree with it. A child having more than one parent is handy (whether that means a couple, a group marriage or a village) because that means that when one is tired another can be there to help support. A child does NOT have to have specifically a "man" and a "woman" there to raise them. I know quite a few same sex couples who either have raised or are currently raising children and doing a fine job of it. While I also know a lot of heteronormative couples who have done a terrible job at raising children (my mother and step-father are one such couple).
     
  11. quebec

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    Life95.....I don't see a problem with a child being raised by two men or two women. Many kids are raised just by one parent and turn out just fine. I would have been better off to have been raised just by my mother rather than by her and an abusive step-father. Two loving parents regardless of their sex is good and better than one! :old_smile:
    .....David :gay_pride_flag:
     
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  12. Life95

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    Hi QuietPeace, you have a very good point there, as long as the parents are loving then it does not matter what sex they are. Thank you for your feedback :slight_smile:
     
  13. Life95

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    Hi David, thank you for your feedback here, you have a very good point :slight_smile:
     
  14. Braj

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    Hi Life95 .... I am also confused about my sexuality and in a very similar manner as of yours. While reading your post and replies, it has somewhat helped me and given me some clarity. I hope everything don't get mixed up again. I also thought of sharing my story.

    I feel strong sexual attraction towards men, but very limited men. I feel emotional attachment with men, but don't feel like I can spend my whole life with them. Feel romantic attraction for more number of the women. Feel like I can stay together with them for whole life in a loving and caring relationship but don't have very strong sexual attraction. I get stronger arousal while fantasizing about men than women.

    During a younger age, maybe around 15, when out of curiosity I searched on the web about sex related stuff, I got hinged on men. Though I started with straight porn but found myself hinged on men and hence later shifted to gay porn.

    I find that not watching gay porn and being in a straight relationship or when busy with other activities and things are going well, it makes me forget about my gay sex desires. But, they come back again and I get confused again because it is such a strong desire as compared to a desire with women. But since I can't visualise myself spending my life with men, that feeling is only with women as of now, I get confused again.

    I wonder if my sexual attraction towards men is only because it is forbidden as per conventional societal norms and hence I find it exciting. Or I am jealous of good looking men because I don't look good.

    I also sometimes think that since I want kids and in my country a single male parent can't adopt and the society still doesn't accept gay couples, therefore I am unwilling to accept my identify.

    -- braj