I am in love with my friend and I want to kill myself for it

I was apathic and didnt care about anything before i fell in love my friend. But instead of cutting i exercised to the point of passing out.
When i realised i have crush on him, everything changed instantly. Had no hate to myself for being possible gay at all.
He is my reason to wake up everyday. Just a thought to meet him at work lights up my day. For you i cant see why would you feel guilty for loving him. I mean he IS your friend already and 'love' is cherry on top.

I dont want to sound rude, but also hormones at your age may greatly affect your mood inc. depression etc.

 

Forgive me for asking this, but do you have any internalized homophobia by any chance? That could contribute to the feelings you are having about the intense emotional response to the crush you have on your friend. Questioning is a really tough place to be in emotionally. It's a roller coaster and you haven't yet gotten to the place where you are comfortable in your sexuality, which can also lead to self hate and similar problems.
Now, I have been in a situation where I was (and still am) in love with someone who will never be interested in me. Which if I'm honest, has led to some negative feelings reflected back on myself because I knew she is straight and I would never have a chance with her. At this point, I have accepted the fact that she has moved on into a life without me and I still love her, but I've also reached the point where it is now okay. I can love her without needing her to love me back. It's really easy when you love someone for your entire self perception to be based upon what they think of you. That took me a very long time to realize, that I am allowed to be my own person without her.
You are whole and complete without this person in your life, regardless of how much they mean to you. Internalized homophobia is difficult to overcome and takes a while but it is possible (if that is the issue) and maybe see a therapist if possible, who can give you advice on how to cope with your mental health and questioning your sexuality in a healthy way.

 

I am there with you. I have gone through this cycle my whole life. I'm currently again deeply in live with a man who will never love me back the same way. I can't say for sure it won't happen again. Not a reason to hurt yourself. Also, unrequited love common for all kinds of folks. Being in the closet magnifies the perceived darkness of the truth. I'm not telling you to come out if you haven't yet, just something to think about . I know it is hard to hear and understand, but you are young, and you never know what's around the corner. Things change fast. You may feel differently about him 2 weeks from now. If you can find a LGBTQ social circle, you may be able to start meeting other young men with whom you can bond and be friends, or even more.

 

I understand how you feel completely because I have been there myself when I was about the same age. I did the same things I would fall for a friend and for me there would be a moment of bliss, just a moment and then I would realise that they are my friend and I knew they were not gay or ever have the same feelings as me. I would start thinking that that I was stupid for falling for them and hate myself and feel like I was worthless. I would think why am I like this and everything about myself felt wrong and my depression would grow. I just kept digging a deeper and deeper hole and I started to self harm and became suicidal.

I eventually (after years for me) had a realization that it wasn't my fault I fell for my best friends. I had nothing to do with how I am. I can't control that I like guys and would fall in love with with my best friends heck I was always around them and knew them so well. It took alot to dig myself out of that hole I dug, I figured out that someday I would find the one for me. I know it's a hard place to be and I still have some hard times now. As much as I hated this saying "it gets better". After high school, the world becomes a bigger place and life gets simpler.

All I can say is hang in there, life is worth living. Life can suck sometimes for everyone. when your young thing can be get difficult/ painful/ confusing. There really isn't a good word for it, being young and in your situation sucks it really does but your not the only one who has gone through it/ is going through it and you won't be the last it's part of life.

 

First of all, please don't cut yourself, I don't want you to get hurt. It makes no sense to cut the stem of a stem for its before it's yet to bloom. It's natural to have desires for others. Feelings of love and want are healthy as they remind us of our humanity, I would say that love is one of the conditions that makes us separate from all other things alive: the ability to maintain a connection with someone else who has no connection to you whatsoever at all.

Be a little patient with yourself, there's nothing wrong with you and you shouldn't feel guilty. It's kinda of sweet actually that you can have those feelings, reminds me of my former self. This is a great time of confusion for you and I understand that. But please understand that self-harm and suicidal thoughts are cyclical, the more you feed into them the stronger they become. Don't feed the self-guilt that you have, seek help. Remind yourself that its natural to have feelings of self-doubt and self-hatred when we see that we possess qualities that we do not like about ourselves.

If you need someone to talk to, I would suggest Samaritans considering that you are in Scotland, their number is 116 123.

Stay safe please, and don't hurt yourself.

 

Can I ask how you get to this point? It's been six months since I was 'rejected' by my best friend who will never love be back. Everyday hurts so much and I don't know how to move past it.

 

OP, it's ok to like your friend. But it's not ok to cut yourself. Do seek out some help.