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I am horrified by what my mother just said. Don't know how to react.

Discussion in 'Family, Friends, and Relationships' started by BlueMetalWave, May 6, 2015.

  1. BlueMetalWave

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    Hello, everyone. This might be a bit long so I'll apologize in advance.

    Just for some context, I'm having my birthday party on friday and I invited my friends. Some of which are gay. My parents know about me, I talk a lot about my sexuality with my father and he tried really hard to understand me. My mother not so much because she isn't approachable on the subject.
    I spoke with her because she invited some of my cousins (who don't know about me) without asking me first, I was bit reluctant because I don't want them to find out. She gave the excuse that I need to get closer to my family which eventually she gave me a speech on how I chose to be gay because I am affraid of having a relationship with a woman. She added, that my father doesn't accept me even after everything we spoke of. That this isn't what she wanted, that my friends are the ones who "turned me" and since I am a bit shy it was more "convenient" for me to be gay. Finishing with "no one is born like that". I am utterly mortified because I knew she was conservative but not this much.
    I was never close to her and after today I certainly don't plan to get anytime soon. I don't think she deserves to be a part of my future life.
    If you've read this, thank you very much. I really needed to vent after the horror I had to hear. I would love to hear how some of you dealt with having parents like this or how amazing some of your parents might be. I need a little hope.
     
  2. Acm

    Acm Guest

    I'm sorry, that really sucks. I guess at least now you know where she stands on all of this. Maybe in time she'll come around and see that she was wrong. I don't blame you for not wanting to see much of her in the future, I wouldn't either. I've had a few issues dealing with my mom in the past but thankfully nothing like that, it can be really frustrating trying to communicate with parents about this stuff though, they often don't seem to get it at all.
     
  3. nohalos

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    I'm really sorry that your mum thinks all of that! There is some EC Advisor who wrote about the stages of acceptance. I think one stage is denial and then it all leads to acceptance.


    I'm glad that your dad is trying hard to understand, and quite frankly, a lot of our EC friends desire a parent who could understand or at least tries their hardest. Having support from at least one parent can go a long way.


    In the end, you know the truth of what you are, and your mum doesn't or she's just denying. Don't let your mom break your spirit down.
     
  4. Mero

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    Sigh...parents.
    I'll be in the closest to my family until I'm six feet under.
    Hang in there buddy.
     
  5. Broods

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    That's a really tough situation. It's always hardest when those people who should support you the most (i.e. your parents) aren't there for you. I think the thing you have to try to remember is that coming out is a process for you and everyone around you, and some people take longer to be understanding. I know people who had very homophobic parents that actually ended up changing their minds because they released their love and support for their child was more important. Hopefully her saying being gay is a choice comes from a place of ignorance rather than hatred and she can eventually become more understanding. In the meantime surround yourself with people who love and support you no matter what - those are the true gems in your life. Stay strong my friend :slight_smile:
     
  6. Chip

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    Wow. I can imagine just how shitty that must have made you feel. I don't think parents understand how devastating their words can be. It's also incredibly inconsiderate for her to invite people to *your* party without discussing with you, and to not understand your wishes -- or even the fact that it's *your* party.

    One possibility could be to have your own party, with your friends, and either cancel the family party or just go through the motions. Another option is to simply be yourself, do what you'd do, and not worry about what your cousins or family thinks. That's a tall order, but ultimately, as Brené Brown says, there are only 2 or 3 people whose opinions of us should matter to us... and you get to choose who those people are. So you could just say "fuck it" and let your cousins figure it out.

    One last piece: I think your mother may come around. Remember that in processing any loss (this case, loss of perception you're straight) there are five stages (denial-anger-bargaining-grief-acceptance) and the response she gave is pretty classic "anger". So I'd give it better than a 70% chance that she'll eventually come around. N telling if that will be weeks or a year or more, but it will eventually happen for sure.
     
  7. Argentwing

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    I'd tell her to have a good day the hell away from me until she learns some consideration. That sounds like an awful barrage to have to withstand! At least you can be safe in knowing that what she said is not absolute truth. Because wow.
     
  8. TraceElement

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    That was uncalled for. Is it possible to create another location for your party and only tell your friends? You could play it like you have to go get something from the store and not come back.
     
  9. BlueMetalWave

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    Thank you all for the kind words, it really helps a lot :slight_smile:

    So it's going to be today and I'm just going to roll with it the way it is. My father just came back from his bussiness trip and I'll talk to him later about what she said. Because she acused him of not accepting me when I know it's not the case. I'll just enjoy my time with my friends for now.
    I really hope that she will come around eventually, like some of you said and that this is only temporary. Whether I like it or not she still is family. Weirdly today she was extremely kind, telling me a lot of nice things which makes me extremely confused to be honest. How can someone say all those things and then act like it never happened?
    I always thought that neither of my parents were extremists or crazy and how thankful I was that I didn't hear any awful things or get thrown out. After this incident, I think I got a taste of how homophobic those close to us can really be...
    The thing that reassures me the most is that I have amazing friends who truly accept me the way that I am. Without them I don't know how I could hold on. So today at least, I'm only going to think about having fun with the people I love :slight_smile:

    Thank you for taking some of your time to read and reply to this. I'm grateful from the bottom of my heart and I hope none of you have to hear shit like this from anyone. I'll give an update later :slight_smile:
     
  10. Invidia

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    She is socially conservative, not a monster. Actually, I'd guess she's feeling guilty that she said such awful things to her son. Maybe that's a silver lining that it might get better. IMO, it's on her though. It's her job to approach you and say she was wrong.

    It's great you have friendswho can support you :slight_smile: that is super important.

    Hope you're doing okay, sending you a big hug <3 (*hug*)
     
  11. ChristianHipstr

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    My mother is the same... But she's never been much of a character in my life.

    I say to just do you bro. If she wants to play that game, so be it. get closer with your father, and don't let her put words in his mouth.
     
  12. BlueMetalWave

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    Hello everyone, just thought that I'd give a small update. All of you have been very nice so I thought you'd like to know more details.

    My party worked just fine, my cousins didn't overhear anything that they shouldn't have. The subject never came up, thankfully. I had a lot of fun with my friends, we stayed up drinking until 4 in the morning and it was an awesome birthday.
    I spoke with my father today about the "talk" me and my mother had. She said that we didn't fight but I told him everything she actually said. He says that he understands why someone wouldn't consciously choose to be gay but he doesn't really know how it happens. What matters is that he said he accepts me the way I am. He is just worried because of all the prejudice that exists in the world. I can't believe that I let my mother's words cloud his good nature. I think what matters is that he says he loves me and the most important person in my life accepts me.

    Thank you to all of those who read and gave some wonderful advice, take care :slight_smile: