I am NOT going to discuss whether HOCD is real or not, as this is no use and not needed. I am really confused, so I'll list some details and maybe someone could help me out. I don't know why I'm doing this because If someone tells me im gay, I will probably go into depression (not that it's a bad thing, I just dont...want to be?) -18 year old girl -Have been feeling down lately/ majorly stressed over school -have liked boys since kindergarten up to this past December -This december I started losing interest in... i wouldnt say guys but just talking to guys. I don't know why, I am going through a depressive stage. -After I realized that im losing interest in guys, i questioned am i gay? -Everything after has been downhill -I've NEVER liked a girl/had a crush on one/ fantasized about one -Everytime I see a girl now a days, I start panicking, and always find them attractive. Always. Any girl, it just has to be a girl. It's not pleasurable, I cringe at the thought of them being attractive, and get really anxious. -Even my friends, and girls who Ive seen before...I cant be around them cause i get anxious and think I like them sexually -What fuels to this is that I had my first kiss about 6 months ago, and it was with a guy who was very attractive. I didnt feel a thing. Mind you, I only new him for a day, the whole night I knew he was using me, I felt sick because i thought he drugged me (LOL, long story), he wasnt really kissing he was biting my lip almost, not pleasurable and I saw the kiss coming...so maybe that's why i didnt feel anything? -Now I have this weird compulsion to kiss a girl when im around them, IT JUST HAS TO BE A GIRL. Because my mind is tricking me into thinking, that it would feel so good to kiss a girl, because i didnt enjoy kissing that guy -This is now making me avoid guys even more -Now people may tell me to try being with girls, but I dont want too... at all. Like i could never get myself to do it. -If i was gay, would I not know in the past 18 years? I dont even like a specific girl, it seems that these days any girl gets me going, and since im losing interest in guys this is all very scary - I want to spend my life with a man, but my brain keeps saying "no you don't, you actually want to be with a girl" and 24/7 I keep fighting these thoughts Okay so bullet form was a horrible way to organize this, i ended up writing more than i thought I would
Lol welcome to my world... Hi im going through the same thing as you right now. Im a 23 year male with all the same symptoms, feeling down cause i cant get laid, loss of interest in opposite sex, etc. You sound like an ocd patient to me. For the last 4 months there hasnt been a day that has gone by that i havent been able to question my sexuality. Ive gone through it all axiety, depression, anger, etc and in many ways still am. To reassure you is something im not going to do because i dont know you and you may be gay or you may not but ill give you some pointers to help deal with it a little better. .stay active dont give into depression because when you donit sticks around .surround yourself with friends when ever you can. I got past that 'kissing fantansy' after about 3 weeks and am basically at peace around MOST friends. .exercise...you have no idea how much just going for a 10minute run every day will help. .DO NOT TEST YOURSELF FOR AROUSAL!!! This a must and will only feed your anxiety. .quit asking people for their opinion they dont know you and cant tell youb what you are. .take a break from porn and masturbating. Thats all i can remember for the moment but that should help. We can look at this logically but ocd doesnt fight fairly so the more you give in the more its going to fight back. Ill even update you where im at. There have been times where i have accepted myself as straight and gay in that period of time. Right now i feel im bi BUT that is because i have accepted the facts that a man can arouse me. Now just because i am arousesd by a man does not mean i am going to act out on it. I have no desire to be with a guy in any way even if my head says i do. I just dont and dont even want to see gay porn again (did my 1st ever last week and it aroused me and scared he crap outta me because it aroused me). Im much more calm and accepting of the situation and it is becoming easier to handle but i highly reccomend seeing a therapist because they can handle this much better and its nice to not feel alone. Hope this helps and contact me if you need to talk about it or just to vent a little. Good luck!
Thank you! I will try these tips out, by the way if I were to contact you how would I go about doing that? New to this place haha.
Do you have any other compulsions - handwashing, doublechecking locks, things like that? Because HOCD is just one possible (rare) symptom of OCD, and virtually always OCD has multiple obsessions/compulsions.
Ohh, yes I do haha. Although I haven't got diagnosed so Im going to hold out on calling myself OCD yet. But I do have compulsions such as -Checking the outlets and checking locks about 3 times to believe nothing is plugged in/ door is locked -I set limits for myself such as if I catch this ball than I am not ... or if I drop it then this will happen.. -I spent 3 months worrying last summer that my mom had caught Rabies -I spent January and February worrying I had a brain tumor despite doctors confirming me I didn't -Spent last half of February worrying I would get SJS from talking this medicine/tylenol -Then I thought I was developing Schizophrenia - Now this sexuality thing -Many more examples I know I sound crazy haha I've always been worrier but this year has started of very badly
Yea I didn't even realize I had any ocd until I started to review my life after the hocd hit. .Constantly checking doors if locked if I already know .Have panic any time my dad sleeps in later then me (which hardly happens) and I think hes kicked the can... .Lights have to be off when not in use So don't worry your not crazy, its just what ocd does to us and no matter how logically we look at it it still fights us. What you should probably do is some exposure therapy to yourself (that is not the techniqual term) where you basically expose yourself to your fears. For example with hocd go out in public with friends regardless if you are paranoid around them. Also look at pictures of women. I know that sounds weird but I promise over time it will work and will slowly help you ease out of it. Basically what this does is exposes you to your fear and brings on the anxiety which in turn after enough practice you will become use to these thoughts/feelings and learn to cope with them so they are no longer a problem. Haha yea my bad kind of thought we had walls or something on this :eusa_doh: . I'm new to this to but I think you can send private messages if you need help. It really sucks I'm been chatting with a people who have it to on yahoo questions. Basically a lesbian whose afraid that she is straight was the one who told me about it and I knew that this was real. Worst part for me is that I've got other ocds that scare me far more then hocd but its the hocd thats been in control the longest....ugh I wish there were meds for this...
I also have had times where I look back on and think I might have OCD. 1. I also thought I had a brain tumor because of a headache that wouldn't go away. I ran tests on myself to see if I lost any strength, vision, etc. to see where the tumor may be located. A brain MRI showed nothing.... except a brain, fortunately. 2. I had an intrusive thought about shooting up my class and was convinced I was a psychopath. I kept thinking, "Why the hell am I having these thoughts? I don't wanna kill these people... Maybe I'm really a psychopath and didn't realize it all these years? Maybe that's why I don't seem considerate of other people?" But the fact that I didn't want those thoughts in the first place should have been an indicator that I'm not a psycho. Psychopaths enjoy those thoughts. 3. I also thought I was developing Schizophrenia about a year ago. 4. I also had a fear of rabies. We found a well groomed dog on the street with tags and stuff, but I reused to touch it thinking we would get rabies. "What if it's so calm because it has rabies and its personality changed?!?!" That's what I kept saying. We found their owners 2 days later. 5. I keep having random fears of the infectious staph bacteria that can kill you. I don't go out of my way to constantly clean everything... but while I worry about it, I scrub the shit out of everything I touch. 6. Multiple other health concerns I keep having 7. Last relationship I was in, I kept needing my gf to reassure me that she still likes me even though I had no reason to believe she didn't. Idk if my concerns now with the whole gay thing are related though... It's confusing.
