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I am alone.

Discussion in 'Family, Friends, and Relationships' started by Cutiepop, Apr 18, 2015.

  1. Cutiepop

    Regular Member

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    Gender:
    Female
    Sexual Orientation:
    Lesbian
    I feel so pathetic that the only place I can escape to to post and try to gather kindness would be an internet forum but I feel at this point that I've reached my rock bottom.

    I don't know where to begin except that I am so disgusted by myself and so grossly unhappy and sick that I don't know what to do. I don't have any real friends, my only one friend that I do have I am barley close with and she only talks to me because I'm sure she feels bad for me. My parents and I have no relationship and they are anti-lgbt, and my mom has found out I am gay numerous times and denied it but she listened in on my last therapy session by eavesdropping at the door so now she can't escape from my sexual orientation and she has been making really hurtful threats at me these past few days. I rarely leave the house on account of being online homeschooled and when I was in real school no one liked me or spoke to me and I was made fun of. I also suffer from anxiety disorder/ OCD and it makes my life a living hell everyday.

    I recently had broken up with my ex gf...the only person I believed accepted me and my flaws and who I am...only to find out she lied to me for six months. She said I'm unattractive and boring and went off on a list of reasons I am ugly and she left me for another girl.

    I go to therapy already but I feel so absolutely disgusting and pathetic. I take medication so I can get through this miserable life I live and I absolotely cannot stand where I am right now in life. I have no goals or ambitions or even great grades to get me a good college. I have nothing to be happy for and strive for. I just don't know what is keeping me going through this life, I don't know.

    This isn't some suicide post, this is just me attempting to get people to listen to me that I don't have to pay like my doctor.
     
  2. stimpacks

    Regular Member

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    Hello, I'm sorry you are going through all this. Life is tough sometimes and people always say "it gets better," but not on its own. If you don't like where you are at, than that means some things gotta change. I hope everything goes well for you best of wishes.
     
  3. Ortensia

    Ortensia Guest

    First of all, you need to know that you are not alone. Even if you don't have a lot of support near to you, you still have this forum. It's not pathetic that you come to us. We're real people who care about eachother and care about you, and want to help you. We're a community and you're a part of it.

    Your mother doesnt support your sexuality- believe me, I've been there, it's tough. You're going to have to get to the stage where you're comfortable enough in yourself that what other people say about you doesnt matter. The same goes for the people who teased you in school and your gf (who by the way seems like a horrible person and you should recognise that you're much better of without). If things are going to change, you've got to start with yourself. If you truly love and accept yourself, and believe that you are beautiful, because you are, then noone can take that away from you.

    You say you have no ambitions: well, find some. Start off small, maybe. Try a new hobby like a musical instrument or painting or a new language or a sport or something and set yourself targets for them. Make sure you always have something to work towards. Even if it's 'I want to have read this many books by the end of the month' or 'I want to be able to play this song by whatever time' you'll have a goal, something to focus on. The further you get with the activity, the bigger you make those goals. maybe you'll find something you're really really passionate about.

    I also think you can try to be closer to the friend you already have. I also have a problem getting close to my friends, but if you make a bigger effort to spend time with her, be interested in her life, cheer her up when she's sad etc you might form a stronger bond which could be really helpful.

    In terms of making new friends, why don't you join some clubs or youth groups or something like that? Just because people have been mean to you before doesn't mean everyone will be. There are nice people out there; you just need to find them.

    And if all else fails, you have EC to fall back on.

    Hope this help, and if you need anything from me, let me know x
     
  4. Jass3n

    Regular Member

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    Some people
    Hello. You're not alone. Even though your parents are anti LGBT I'm sure somewhere in their heart they still love you. I would recommend that you try to connect with them more. Talk about some positive things/Memories you guys have done together. I hope the best for you.
     
  5. amigec

    Regular Member

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    Hey Cutiepop. Love your username :slight_smile:

    This sounds all too familiar. The details may not match up exactly but the big picture is the same. You feel alone. You feel unloved. You feel worthless. These feelings can drag you down into a bottomless pit that seems impossible to crawl out of.

    When I was a kid I felt alone. I felt worthless. I felt like a freak. I was teased, bullied, and ignored by the other kids. I didn't have the confidence to stand up for myself. I believed everything they said. I tried to made friends to feel like I belonged. But the friends I did have didn't respect me. In turn, I didn't respect them. I became bitter and closed off. To everyone. And myself.

    You see people who are successful. Who have it together. Who seem to be happy. Many of these people went through the same struggles as you and me. More than you even know. The hopelessness, the anger, the sorrow, the lost, lonely empty feelings... all of those can only go so far until you realize that there must be something you can do about it. There has to be something you can do differently. Can you change everyone around you? No. But guess what? They can't change you either. You have to change yourself. And you do this by embracing you. Accepting you. And loving you.

    Your ex-girlfriend... There's so many things I want to call her, but we'll just say this. She's not worth it. What she said to you tells everyone who reads this what kind of person she is. Her actions say much more about her than it does you. Your mom... It's hard to believe the disrespect your own mother has shown. It would be so easy to lash out at her. It would be so easy to feel defeated by her. To believe her. To let her words bring you down. But don't. Don't let her get to you. If you respect her enough, then sit her down and talk to her about her behavior. How she's making you feel. If you don't think this will help, and that she truly is that myopic and nasty, then fuck her. Just go about your life. Don't listen to her, don't try to reason with her. Just let her say what she says. One day you'll be gone, living your life, and she'll have to live with that regret. She'll have to think about the horrible things she said and the way she treated you.

    You can get into school. Your grades now matter somewhat. But I didn't do well in school either. I didn't care. But now I am in college. I'm getting my life in order. However, my biggest accomplishments are the changes I made inside of myself. I reached out to people on this site. Read advice online. Watched videos. I changed the way I looked at the world. The way I looked at people. When I was out of school and away from home, I felt free. I was living in an apartment with a crappy job, but I was free. I made more friends at my job than I ever did throughout my school years. I was more honest with people, more open to people, had more respect for people.... because I loved myself more. That's what it takes. You have to first acknowledge yourself. This is me. Then embrace yourself. Then build yourself. Improve your thinking and your attitude. Then after some work, you will start to respect yourself... and love yourself. Once you do that, you'll find people who will accept you. People who will love you. You can surround yourself with these people. Make your own family. And you'll find a girl. A girl who will love you and respect you like you deserve.

    Trust me, things get better, your life will change if you work at it. It may take a while. It's a struggle. But it's worth it. You'll be stronger and you'll learn so much. You'll have a much more positive outlook, and that positivity is contagious. You will attract the right people in your life.

    Please listen to what I'm saying. I hope you take what I said into consideration. Your life will change. I wish you the best cutiepop. Post any updates. Hang in there and take good care of yourself.
     
    #5 amigec, Apr 21, 2015
    Last edited: Apr 21, 2015