i am a male gay and my straight friend is flirting with me

I have asked this question on many forums on different website but i did not get any satisfactory answers so here i am again asking this question with a hope to get a serious help.
I am a 25 year old closet gay and have completely straight acting personality. I come from a very religious family and live in a society where religion is practiced in a true manner therefore coming out is not an option for me. Being gay is not acceptable in the society where i live. So here is my long story:
Apparently I am sexually attracted to my straight male friend since the day I met him and every time I see him I get sexually aroused and want to have sex with him. I can’t imagine having sex with anyone else because I keep fantasizing about him. My daily life has been completely disturbed and I can’t even concentrate on my college studies.
He has been my friend for the last three years. Although I don't consider him as one of my best friends because there are a few things that I don't like about him or may be because my other best friends are a way more helpful and caring than he is.
It all started about three years ago when we became friends and since the first day I had a crush on him. and I also thought that he was sexually attracted to me too because whenever we met he would hug me like my all other straight friends but the only difference was that he would sometimes also kiss me on the side of my neck while he hugs and sometimes calls me sexy in front of other friends which I pretended to take it as a joke like other straight guys. But deep inside I thought he liked me and is sexually attracted to me and maybe he is gay or bisexual. He is 24 year old and not married and doesn’t have a girl friend. Although at this age having no girlfriend is a normal thing in our society because most of my other young straight friends don’t even have girlfriends yet but they do talk about admiring a good looking girl. I will also mention that in my religion having a girlfriend before/without marriage is not acceptable. But this friend of mine doesn’t even talk about admiring girls. Therefore to figure out his sexual orientation I sneaked into his laptop files and I managed to find out that he watches straight porn. But I was still not convinced that he is straight because most of the gay guys also watch straight porn just like me.
I never make physical moves on straight acting guys unless I am sure that they are also interested. Therefore I made a plan to make physical moves on him and asked him to come to my house every weekend to watch movies as I live alone in a single bedroom house. At his first visit when I went to receive him at the door with a hope to give him a greeting hug but I was surprised to see that while hugging me he fondled my chest for a second and then walked straight into my room. And he still does it every time I open the door to receive him. Since he started visiting me and we used to lie in the same bed and watch movies on my laptop until midnight and he had always asked me to give him a neck massage and stroke his head while we watched movie. I always enjoyed giving him a neck massage because it turned me on. While I would do the neck massage I would also move my hand to the front of his body to grope his chest and I would kiss him on his cheek two or three times during the whole movie time which he seemed fine with and I noticed that he liked it because he didn’t always stopped me or said anything verbally but sometimes he managed to avoid my kiss by moving face to the other side. At one time I tried to kiss him on the lips which he again managed to avoid but turning his face to the other side but did not say anything verbally and kept quite. But the only problem was that he would leave for his home soon after we finish watching movie but he never stayed overnight at my home despite the fact that I always insisted him to stay overnight which he always refused.

This entire thing had happened very often during the whole three years but I could not make any further moves other than kissing on cheek and stroking his head because I was afraid to disclose that I am gay and being a closeted gay none of my other friends know about my sexual orientation. I am not afraid of losing him as a friend but I don’t want to disclose my sexuality to anybody who is not gay.
Although at many occasions I insisted him to let me give him a massage on the upper back body which he refused by saying that he doesn’t like to remove his shirt in front of me because he is shy.
During all this time he definitely knew that I liked him in a different way and I wanted to get intimate with him but he kept ignoring me. I also indirectly tried to tell him that my feelings for him are different from feelings that normal friends have for each other but I didn’t explain it very clearly that I am gay. I think he liked spending his weekend nights with me because he would visit me every weekend even though I never asked him to come over and despite my failed attempts to get intimate with him he still kept visiting me but I wonder why!.
At many occasions during these three years I came to a conclusion that he is neither gay nor bisexual and he is only straight and want to spend time with me as a normal friend only. But my problem is that I am a gay and I can’t resist my feelings towards him and I can’t spend time with him like a straight friend because I have feelings for him as a gay. Therefore about three or four times during these three years I had stopped seeing him for months but he kept insisting me to invite him over and asked me the reason why I don’t speak to him and never answer his calls which I replied with an excuse that I don’t want to be friends with him because I don’t like him and he wastes my time and interrupts with my studies but I didn’t tell him the actual reason. I told him to make new friends and move on but he says that he only likes to spend time with me he doesn't like spending time with his other friends. Therefore I eventually started meeting him again (*hug*) because to be honest deep inside I was dying to meet him too LOL.
But now it has come to the point that I am desperate to have sex with him. Once I tried to cuddle him in the bed while we watched movie but he managed to escape my attempt which made me embarrassed. But I had kept on trying to do so because I wanted him to stop me or push me away or say anything verbally which he never did so far. I also told him that I don’t like it when he refuses to stay overnight with me but he replies by making an excuse that he has trouble sleeping outside his house or he is not able to go to sleep other than on his own bed.
But today I am very confused that If he doesn’t like to get intimate with me then why does he not tell me straightaway that my attempts to have sex with him makes him feel disgusting or whatever. Despite my failed attempts to cuddle him why does he never tell me to stop doing it? Why does he still want to spend time with me when I keep ignoring his phone calls and don’t want to speak to him? If he is gay or Bi then why does he not stay overnight in my bed. I am sure that by now he knows that how I feel about him and what I want from him then why does he not accept me or reject me. I also think that he is selfish and a mean friend because at many occasions he had borrowed some money from me which he never returned and keeps asking for more therefore I think he is a gold digger and is only using me for his financial needs.
I keep thinking about him all the time and my condition is getting worst day by
day. Could anybody please tell me how to sort out this situation? Please don't suggest me to tell him that I am gay because I don't want to take the risk of him sharing my secret with other people. I don’t want to disclose my sexual orientation to somebody who is not gay because I am a straight acting and closet gay but at the same time I want to find out whether he has the same feeling for me or not. If he is straight and has no feelings for me then I will move on and that would be the end of our friendship because I know that straight man cannot turn into gay just like a gay guys can't turn into straight.

 

Thanks for your reply:
you have suggested me to ask him whether he is gay or bi !
Firstly, i would feel very embarrassed to ask him such a question, secondly if i would ever have the courage to ask him such a question then obviously he is never going to confess if he is gay or Bi and that I know for sure. When I never want to confess my sexuality even to my close straight friends then how can i expect him to do so.

---------- Post added 13th Oct 2012 at 09:04 PM ----------

Thanks for your reply:
yes we both have the same religion. and may be you are right that this could be the reason he is struggling with his sexuality. But on the other hand i am also struggling with it due to the religion factor and if i don't feel have any problems getting intimate with him then why is he having problems with that.

---------- Post added 13th Oct 2012 at 09:13 PM ----------

Thanks for your reply:

you suggested me to tell him the truth and let him know that i am gay. I think this is not possible me because if he turns out to be a straight guy and would hate the idea of me getting intimate with me then I will regret about my decision of disclosing my sexuality to somebody who was not interested in me and then I would never be able to face him again. and I will have to carry the burden of this regret on my heart all my life as long as he will be around.

 

Sorry I am not very good at English grammar and vocabulary so I might have used the wrong word i.e "true manner". All i was trying to explain was that there are certain restrictions in some religions e.g no sex before marriage, no drinking of alcohol( wine or beer etc). so for example if a person claims to have a full and wide faith in a particular religion but he still involves himself in to prohibited activities then it means he not a true follower of his religion.
You should also read the post from (Amicus) because he has correctly and perfectly answered your question which is:
"as the doctrine of the religion being fully and widely observed vs. the more casual kind of religiosity that you can sometimes find in the West (e.g., Catholics who go to church on Sunday but wouldn't think twice about having pre-marital sex, eating meat on Fridays, or using contraception). I don't think he was trying to make any sweeping claims about "one true religion" or something like that".

---------- Post added 13th Oct 2012 at 09:47 PM ----------

Thanks for reply:

No there are no such laws carrying penalties for homosexuality where i live (Luckily lol) . But its just the culture and the religion that influence the society. Therefore if i come out of closet then obviously i will experience a severe social stigma and my quality of life will be sacrificed

 

He is never bothered even if i don't touch him he seems perfectly fine with it and never attempts to touch me other than calling me sexy and kissed me on the neck few times. So i think its just me dying to get intimate with him. No he never initiate things and also i don't have the courage to ask him whether he likes it when i kiss him on the cheek or not. I think I find it more convenient to make physical moves rather than asking verbally i because it took me almost two years to get me such a courage to kiss him on the cheek and i still do it once a twice whenever he visits me.

 

May be you are right. That's also one of the things that i thought about him.

 

Actually I want to get sexual intimacy with him without a confession of being gay by both of us. I know it sounds funny but its very logical in our situation. Its because at many occasions he has tried to give me the impression of being straight by telling me that a girl from his college is interested in him and he is interested in her too and he has never had sex with her because its against our religion. But i am sure he is just making it up because i have never found a single text message from any girl on his mobile phone or seen him talking to a girl on the phone in the last three years. He also keeps replying to the posts of a girl on the Facebook by telling her that he loves her and then she replies the same ha ha (sounds very funny to me). But i know that girl does not exist and its a fake Facebook ID created by himself just to give me the impression that he is straight not gay. So that is why I just want to maintain his image of a straight guy by not asking him to confess that he is gay or he is has no problems with homosexuals but at the same time want to get sexual intimacy with him.

 

Today I am very happy (!) because I have finally got him to promise me to sleep at my house next time he visits me. I also told him that if he does not keep his promise than I am not going to see him again. Therefore he has promised to sleep in my house on Tuesday night. But I am definitely sure that he is not going to keep his promise. Even if he does keep his promise then i don't think he is going to sleep on my bed he will either sleep on the floor or couch. Lets see what happens on Tuesday night. I am very excited and i have also got few things planned for Tuesday night.

 

I am writing about this issue after a while because I was a bit busy with other things. Anyway as I said in my last post that I had finally got him to promise me to sleep at my house next time he visits me. I also told him that if he does not keep his promise than I am not going to see him again. Therefore he has promised to sleep in my house on Tuesday night.
But same unfortunately he did not keep his promise. He did visit me on Tuesday but refused to sleep in my house because of his usual excuse. This made me very upset and told him that I am not going to speak to him again and this would be last time we meet. Then he started laughing and took it as a joke by saying that we will see. Then I had stopped seeing him for two weeks then eventually let him visit me again. Now it’s been two months since then and we are still the same and I am still craving for him but he doesn’t care.
So after thinking for few days I have come to five conclusions about my confused friend and I need to know which one seems much likely in my case. I am looking to take suggestion from straight guys who are in the same situation. But also suggestions from gay, bi people will be appreciated. My five different conclusions about my friend as follows:

1. Although he is uncomfortable with my behavior but because he doesn’t want to lose me as a friend and considers that I am sexually desperate for him and therefore lets me do anything I want but keeping it within certain limits. And he fears that if he would not let me kiss him on the cheek then I would probably put a stop to our friendship.

2. He has the same sexual feelings for me as I have for him but he does not want to involve in any kind of sexual activity which would be against our religion because it’s a sin.


3. He does have the sexual feelings for me but because he is new to all this and wants to take things slow and steady therefore gives me the impression that he is uncomfortable with it but deep inside he likes it. (I think I already gave him three years to take things slow and steady).

4. He knows that he is only straight and is very confident about it therefore seems fine with my current behavior and considers that I am desperate for him and lets me kiss him because he is being pity on me.


5. I have been helping him in his hard times and still keep helping him with money and things. As I am his only hope to fulfill his future financial needs, so that is why he is allowing me quite a lot of touching without every following through with sexual intercourse.

 

thanks for replying. I will have a think about your suggestion.