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I am a lesbian

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by poohbearxo, Sep 21, 2021.

  1. poohbearxo

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    I am in my early 20s, in a long term relationship with a wonderful man, and I have realised over this past year that I am a lesbian. Looking back at my old posts here and the past 10 years, I was incredibly confused over my sexuality. I was extremely closed minded and didn't particularly believe I could be a lesbian.

    Over the last decade I have had attractions to both men and women, but in retrospect, my feelings towards women were always so much stronger. I have never been sexually attracted to men, and instead, I always wanted their attention and I wanted them to desire me, I have never looked at a man and found him sexually attractive. The thing is, I never even questioned this. I just presumed that all girls were the same. When me and my current boyfriend started to have sex, I used to tell myself that if his ex-girlfriend could have sex with him, then so could I. I never once thought this was a weird way of thinking. I forced and deluded myself into being straight. When I was about 14, I used to try and force myself to think about my sexuality, but something deep down would prevent me thinking about it any further. I think I knew deep down I was gay, but I was protecting myself. If only I figured it out sooner, things would be a lot easier.

    I came to the realisation because I fell head over heels with a coworker. The moment I saw her I was instantly drawn to her, she was so mesmerising and attractive. The way she walked, how she held herself, her mannerisms, her voice, everything. Whenever she would walk past me I would get incredibly nervous and shake, my voice would crack and I would feel faint. These physical reactions were also apparent with previous female crushes but I never let myself wonder why. I never felt this way for men, I was simply awkward around them. Whenever me and my work crush hang out, I feel at home, I feel warm, happy and content. I want to be around her all the time, to look in her eyes and listen to everything she has to say about the world. I want to soak up her beauty and intelligence and I want to take care of her and make her happy. When we hug I feel like I'm on fire, time stops for a few moments. She finally makes my life make so much sense. I am no longer confused when I'm around her. Every long song reminds me of her, the term 'making love' no longer makes me cringe, I understand it now. I have never felt like this about a man.

    The issue is that I am in a long-term relationship with a man. He is very insecure and lacks confidence. He doesn't trust me (I have never cheated), and he feels threatened by any men who are around me. I fear for his mental health if we were to split up. I do love him a lot, he is my best friend, but I am not in love with him, nor do I ever, or have I ever, found him sexually attractive. I really do fear that if I were to come out to him that he would do something stupid. I feel selfish. Likewise with my family, they are homophobic. They have always said they would accept me if I was gay, but proceed to make disgusting and rude comments about the LGBTQ+ community, such as laughing at them on the street, to saying they are akin to pedophiles and that they have a mental illness. I don't really care what they think anymore, I can't live my life for my controlling and homophobic family. But, I do worry deeply for my loving boyfriend. He deserves way better than me.

    Does anyone have any advice?
     
    #1 poohbearxo, Sep 21, 2021
    Last edited: Sep 21, 2021
  2. chicodeoro

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    Oh dear Poohbearxo, what a situation you find yourself in!

    Two questions - how long have you and your boyfriend been an item? Also...have you had any discussions recently about the future, where you're going as a couple? Does he have any idea that you're unhappy in the relationship?

    The other thing is that you are not responsible for his happiness.

    I know exactly how you feel. I was in a similar situation long long ago with my very first girlfriend. I wasn't in love, but I felt a deep affection for her. At the time she had a lot of personal problems and was deeply depressed. Like you, I was worried what might happen to her if I broke it off abruptly. I felt trapped. I didn't see my future with her and I knew I had to get out and finish it in the kindest way possible. Eventually, after several years, I did.*

    What would I advise? First of all don't be rash. At the moment it sounds like this thing with the co-worker is a crush.. right? Do you have any grounds to believe it could be reciprocated? If not, then it's probably best it remains a fantasy.

    And with your boyfriend at some point you need to have that honest conversation about your future. That might be the opportunity you need to push the exit door ajar without hurting him too much.

    Hope this helps,

    Beth

    * There is a happy ending to this in that we're still really good friends and I'm out to her now.
     
    #2 chicodeoro, Sep 21, 2021
    Last edited: Sep 21, 2021
  3. Really

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    Hey @poohbearxo

    It’s great you’ve become clearer on who you are and what you want! That can be really hard for some people.

    As for your bf, as harsh as it sounds, his mental health is not your responsibility. If that’s going to improve, he’ll need to take steps to make that happen. It’s not up to you. As the saying goes, “Don’t set yourself on fire to keep others warm.” Right? What’s the point of you living unfulfilled too? There’ll just be two unhappy people.

    Not being trusted in a relationship is a perfectly valid reason to end it. No other explanation is needed. If you want, you can try to encourage him to get outside help if you feel you would like to support him but you are in no way responsible for being his in-house therapist, so to speak.

    I think if you make out a plan of action, whether formal or informal, that you decide your going to use to move towards living how you really want, things will start to brighten up for you almost immediately. Having steps and achievable goals can be so helpful not just for concrete action but also your mental health.

    Lots of people here have moved on from heterosexual relationships so feel free to reach of for support. You never know where the right advice/tip might come from. :}

    P.S. He doesn’t deserve better than you. He deserves different than you. You’re perfectly worthy of love from someone who is worthy of your love.
     
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  4. QuietPeace

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    Keep this in mind. You need to live your life as who you really are. You deserve better than what you have right now.

    As Really said, it is not that you are not "good enough" it is more that you are not right for each other. He deserves someone who can care about him wholeheartedly and you deserve to be with someone that you can care about in the same way. I myself have stayed in a marriage that was a bad fit and it was terrible for everyone involved.

    Even if you were straight and right for him this would be an issue. He needs to be in therapy for his own issues. The fact that he treats you this way even though you have never given him reason to doubt is abusive and you need to look at it that way. Encourage him to get into therapy. You should probably also get a therapist (really everyone can benefit from it) and get help in how to disengage yourself from this situation that you should not stay in.
     
    #4 QuietPeace, Sep 21, 2021
    Last edited: Sep 21, 2021
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  5. poohbearxo

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    Hi Beth, thanks for the reply!

    Me and my boyfriend have been together for 7 years, we have been together since teenagers. And yes, we have a plan to buy a house together in the coming years, and are both saving a substantial amount of money each month. He doesn't have any idea, he has however noticed that over the past year during lockdown (we weren't able to see each other for a few months) that I didn't necessarily miss him as much as he missed me, and he has noticed a slight change from me, such as not being as affectionate, not wanting to kiss him. I have told him that I just don't like physical affection (at the time I genuinely believed this was the case).

    I am sorry to hear you have had a similar experience, but I am glad you had the strength to get out of the relationship. How did you end up breaking up with her if you don't mind me asking?
     
  6. poohbearxo

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    Hey Really, thanks for the reply! :slight_smile:

    That's very true, I have been thinking a lot on this and how in this next year I would like to proceed. I am currently at college and in my last year, and the career I want, the jobs are very far away from my hometown, and thus I realise I will definitely have to move away. I will take this opportunity to leave my boyfriend and toxic family behind if I'm brave enough. My boyfriend has a settled job which he is enjoying and it is very niche, so he can't really just get rid of the job to follow me (I hope). I will take the time to explain that I want to be single and to find myself and I don't want to pursue a long distance relationship. What do you think?
     
  7. QuietPeace

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    This is a terrible idea. You already know that you want to be with someone who is not a man and that he really is not the person for you. Getting out of the situation sooner rather than later is best, it is only going to get more difficult.

    A relationship based on lies is not a healthy relationship, even if it is lying to yourself and then by extension to everyone else.
     
  8. poohbearxo

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    Hey QuietPeace, thanks for the reply :slight_smile: I completely agree that it is a terrible idea. We both haven't had any long term relationships aside from ourselves, and obviously throwing my sexuality into the mix isn't the best time to buy a house together. I am going to push the house purchase back as much as I can, get a job elsewhere and leave. I genuinely don't feel comfortable breaking up with him whilst I am still living at home because my family are incredibly toxic and I want the opportunity to leave and move away. I am also not financially stable enough to leave everything at the moment.
     
  9. QuietPeace

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    This sounds as if you still live with your parents and have never lived on your own. I believe that everyone should live on their own before ever living with a partner (or marrying or buying a house together etc) (living with room mates to share expenses is different and often necessary). This is something that I believe regardless of someones orientation.
     
  10. Really

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    That sounds like an excellent plan. And if you can navigate keeping things platonic with him and not encouraging any future plans he might be entertaining, I think striking out on your own after graduation would be a very liberating experience for you. If he says anything about following you despite his job/career, I’d emphasize that you want to establish yourself on your own two feet. Or something similar.

    You can do this!
     
  11. chicodeoro

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    Well, it helped in that by the end of our relationship we were living in different cities - she was doing a Masters degree in Swansea (where I met her) whilst I had moved down the M4 to Bristol. But we were still seeing each other, probably twice a month.

    I told her face to face one dull January afternoon - saying that we needed to talk and that I didn't see my future with her. I was 23 - at that point it was probably the hardest thing I'd ever done, but I knew it was best for both of us.

    I think there are ways of letting him down easy and being kind, by framing it as you want to 'see the world' and discover what lies in the land beyond. Even he would know that it's not unusual for any first relationship to founder upon just this very question.

    An excellent plan!
     
    #11 chicodeoro, Sep 22, 2021
    Last edited: Sep 22, 2021
  12. silverhalo

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    Hey I agree with everyone else it is a really tough situation and the thought of hurting him is tough but honestly you will have to do it at some point. I understand needing to get to a point where you can be self sufficient so that you dont have to rely on your toxic family but as you say it is important that you do not getting any more untwined with him whilst you sort that out.
    Ending your current relationship might seem harsh but ultimately you both deserve to be in a relationship with the right person.