So, this happened... Last night, while I was rummaging through the bookshelf, looking for a stray library book, my wife picked up my phone to look up something in the internet. She opened the browser to an Empty Closet post about coming out. She said, "Oh, are you coming out?" I turned around, saw the phone and the web page and stammered, "Well, yes. I'm bisexual, but I wasn't ready to do it yet." She was taken aback, because she was making a bit of a joke based on what she saw on my phone. But it was okay. We opened a good bottle of wine (you don't open a cheap bottle for a coming out party) and talked for hours. I told her about my feelings and desires and where I was on my journey. I hadn't really finished getting to where I'm going and this is still a process. Since I wasn't prepared, I looked her in the eyes was simply honest in a way that I don't think I have ever been with anyone about anything, and it went better than I could have ever imagined. She is very supportive and understands that this is nothing to do with her but about something that has always been inside me that I am figuring out. This couldn't have gone better. It feels as though telling other people, when I'm ready, really won't be that hard.
Wow. I'm guessing your stomach dropped right through the floor at that moment. And yet... it sounds like it went as well as it possibly could have gone. I do want to caution you that it is not uncommon for there to be a "calm before the storm" in these situations, where, after a few days, some underlying anger comes up for the spouse. Hopefully this will not happen for you, but I'm just suggesting that you be prepared in case it does. In the meantime, it's marvelous that one of the biggest conversations has already happened!
I have read about this in some other threads, and I will devote a bit of thought to tactics to deal with it that don't include walking it back. I very much appreciate the heads up and your thoughts on this. I'm not naive, but I am hopeful that we will continue to discuss this and deal with it in an open and civilized way. Her first response after initially being taken back was to offer me a hug and to say that she understood how difficult this must be for me. She has had two friends come out in the last couple weeks - people in their late 30s or early 40s - and she understands the struggle of coming out later in life. She has always had good friends who are in the LGBT community, and she has always been a strong ally. Of course, it is a little different when it plays this close to home, and she did admit to a vulnerability that I respect and understand. We are starting from a very good place of mutual respect and understanding. I think the take away that I would offer (now that I am an expert in coming out - lol) is not being overly prepared or scripted is a good thing because it forces you to be very honest and not couched. And yeah, looking the person in the eye and being honest about who you are and some of that journey to get there. I'm sure this is very trite and not the path for everyone, but it will be my model as I come out to others.
Wow, the setup there sounds like a true nightmare, but I'm glad that it managed to go so well in spite of that. What a heart-warming story.
Just a quick update... Last night my wife and I had another talk about this. I initiated it as we were plotting out the coming week, saying that there is a coming out support group that I want to go to. We talked about a number of things, including how vulnerable she feels and that she is scared that I will leave her. Very legitimate concerns and stresses. Although she knows it intellectually, it is hard to shake some of the misconceptions around bisexuality. Like, I'm not looking to be promiscuous or polyamorous. I am in a fulfilling, committed relationship with my wife. This journey did not spring from discontentment in my relationship. Really, all my life it has been like my radio station wasn't properly tuned in and there has always been static making it hard to hear. Since I've been on this journey and have come to understand that I'm bisexual, it is like my radio station is properly tuned in and I can hear it all clearly. She is supportive of me coming out as bi, but I understand her struggle in coming to terms with this. And really, I depend on her strength and understanding and support. Bisexuals love the person, regardless of the gender. And while I can feel an attraction to men, I am right now in love with a woman and am emotionally fulfilled with her. I am truly purple.
So happy that things appear to be moving in the right direction. It sounds as if you and your wife may be able to work this out. You both need time to process this. Bisexuality is not as common as for those who come our as gay.
I'm glad it went well for you despite it being a bit sooner than you anticipated, but it's really good that she is supportive and doing her best to understand.
I am incredibly fortunate on so many counts. I would never have tried to orchestrate an accident for her to find out and start a conversation, but the accident was the best thing that could've happened to me. I didn't get stressed out in scripting and rehearsing a conversation and having anxiety attacks in trying to start the talk. The accident forced me to be honest and raw, which is best for everyone. And I'm very fortunate that she is supportive and generous about my coming out, and honest about her own fears and vulnerabilities - neither downplaying them or blowing them out of proportion. So many people are never this fortunate in coming out. It truly makes me quite sad that what has been such a positive, joyful, and liberating experience for me is tearful and miserable for so many others.