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I’ve made it...

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by baristajedi, Jan 8, 2019.

  1. baristajedi

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    I don’t think I’ve ever, like never in my life, felt like this. When I say *this*, I mean complete, full, in precisely the path that feels right and natural and happy. I’m so happy. I don’t even know how to express it.

    So I suppose what I want to say is this really jumbled set of things, I can see all these different versions of me... like the little kid, the one who was abused, the kid before that who was a feisty little tomboy, who felt different and damn proud of it, the teenager who was lost, confused, afraid of sex, who needed to date boys because it felt safe, non-sexual, comfortable, the person who watched lesbian films and pined quietly and subconsciously for best friends, girls at school, the 18 year old who tried a little to come out of their shell, the 23 year old who really tried to come out, well to come *out*, the 28 year old who met a woman, and felt terrified and shell shocked by that woman’s advances and just ran and hid eventually, the person who wore long hair to please men, to mask them self, me as a married person, trying to understand the emptiness, the person who finally broke the chains, fell in love so goddamn deeply for a woman and allowed all that vulnerability to surface. I see all those versions of me, and I just want to go back to each one and give them all a hug and to say one day you will feel so happy with your life, and everything will make sense.


    Ok sorry for all the abstract, let me give you some updates...
    so, I’m just so happy with exactly where my life is right now, with all the decisions I’ve made and the things that have happened that have led me here, precisely right here.

    We’ve moved into our new house, my daughter and me. I LOVE it so much, I love our space, the fact that my life is basically me and her. And that the neighbourhood is centred totally on her; her school her friends, her routine. And her dad is right there. He’s a wonderful, but damn annoying dude, who is often judgmental and critical. But he’s also wonderful and loving. And he’s family. And we coparent really well together. And then he annoys me at some point and I just shrug it off, because it’s really the best situation anyone can ask for, he’s a great dad. Wonderful person, he really cares about me, he’s not easy to get along with sometimes, but who cares.

    I’m dating this woman that I started seeing in my birthday. She’s incredible. We see each other all the time, we’re honest and we talk about everything. We are on the same page with not being committed, with it being ok to see other people. At the moment I’m just *so* into her, but everything is so healthy, so clear, it’s beautiful and fun, she’s caring, she’s kind, she’s incredibly sexy, beautiful, and we’re having so much fun, we’re honest, we’ve cried together, we’ve shared some incredibly vulnerable stuff, I just don’t know how to express how right and perfect this is for me, and how muvj it feels like I don’t lose anything of *me* with this woman.

    And... well so this will sound harsh but... I am so glad I’m not with my ex girlfriend anymore. She’s a good person, I value her friendship, and what we had for the first 8 months was incredibly valuable to my growth. The last year of it, we’ll i learned stuff and I don’t regret that I experienced that, I accept that it happened and that my daughter was in it with me, what else can I do but accept it? Anyway, but I’m so glad that’s *over*, because I’ve got so much of life to live, and I want able to live and embrace joy or grow anymore with her.

    I like being on my own, being on my own path, i feel so good about that, it’s so wonderful.

    I just feel like... so much of my shame, my emptiness in the past, my pain, the chains of the closet, the difficult decisions, that darkness I’ve faced at points, I feel so grateful when I see that in contrast to those experiences, there’s also this. A life filled with fullness, realness, personal fulfilment, joy in my sexuality, fun and excitement with sex, with exploring, embracibg and feeling pride and enjoyment in my identity, a community, or more accurately, a family of loving and supportive friends, a loving family afar as well, a life that can feel good and secure for my daughter, and mainly just a sense that life can be full and wonderful.

    I’m really happy right now :slight_smile:.
     
    #1 baristajedi, Jan 8, 2019
    Last edited: Jan 8, 2019
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  2. Contented

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    Great post. Congrats on finding your happiness
     
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  3. Nic2552

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    Definitely happy for you, Thanks for the update, Definitely don't stop updating us, you give those whoare struggling hope, I hope we will be able to hear more stories like yours this year and moving forward.
     
    #3 Nic2552, Jan 8, 2019
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  4. SevnButton

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    Baristajedi, that line in your post really touched me -- it speaks to the idea of loving and trusting ourselves, across all of our different aspects, across all different times. I'm so happy that you're in such a great space now! You are inspiring me!
     
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  5. Rade

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    Your post was incredible. I am so very pleased it's working out for you so well. You really deserve it and it gives hope to other people on the forum, very empowering...Jon ...
     
    #5 Rade, Jan 8, 2019
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  6. looking for me

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    im so happy for you love. If you were here id give you the biggest hug so that all parts of you could feel it. HUG!!!
     
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  7. baristajedi

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    Thank you so much everybody :slight_smile: :slight_smile:



    I think this is the first time in my life I’m not really feeling regret... regret for missing out on my youth and so much time lost when I could have enjoyed my sexuality. I’m coming to a point of greater acceptance I think. Part of that is the actions I’ve taken to open up the opportunities I really need for myself *now*, and part I think has come from uncovering some things in therapy about my sexual abuse and being closeted. It’s such a liberating feeling.
     
    #7 baristajedi, Jan 9, 2019
    Last edited: Jan 9, 2019
  8. L8bloomer

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    Wow!! I’m so in awe of you. And if I’m being honest, slightly jealous too, lol! But mainly in awe. It’s so nice to hear that your path has led you to where you’re meant to be right now :slight_smile:
     
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  9. Rade

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    People....Google Calum Scott's song , no matter what...a great song about coming out, it came out in November I think. A LGBT friend made me aware of it yesterday. You will all be in tears....Jon
     
  10. baristajedi

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    That’s beautiful <3
     
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  11. baristajedi

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    Thank you l8bloomer <3
     
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  12. SevnButton

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    Yep, I'm in tears! I made the mistake of taking a sip of coffee just before the part about his father. Being a father myself I almost choked on my coffee as the emotion hit me. It's beautiful. If only we all could be so lucky to find love and acceptance from others and within ourselves.
     
    #12 SevnButton, Jan 11, 2019
    Last edited: Jan 11, 2019
  13. Rade

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    Yeah I had tears...it blew me away how good it is.....
     
  14. Reviskova

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    This was such a touching post to read, im glad you have found happiness and self acceptance in your life. We all need some of that! :slight_smile: hope it keeps going well for you.
     
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  15. baristajedi

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    Thank you!
     
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  16. baristajedi

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    That’s what always touches me about some of these songs/stories/etc... I’m reminded of myself as a parent....
     
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  17. looking for me

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    omg. teary eyed here now for sure.
     
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  18. Marz090

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    I feel like it's really rare to have so much good going on in your life, I'm really happy for you