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I’m worried about my friend.

Discussion in 'Anonymous Support and Advice' started by Anonymous, Dec 7, 2017.

  1. Anonymous

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    First, let me apologize because this is long. I know some of you will see this an immediately click out of it because of the length. But I would truly appreciate it if a few knowledgeable individuals would take a few minutes to read this and answer with your best advice. (I may repost this on different sites to gain a few different perspectives. It helps me brainstorm ideas. However, EC is my first and prefered choice for this topic.) So thank you for your time. :slight_smile:

    I have a friend who is a lesbian and also married to a man. She’s been severely depressed lately, and I’m worried about her. I’ve noticed a change in her usual happy demeanor over the course of a year. We lost touch a few years ago, but she reached back out to me last year. (We used to date, and I decided to break contact with her because she broke up with me to date a man due to religious guilt and distance. She didn’t want to stop talking to me, but it was too hard for me to continue speaking to her.) She confided in me that she was depressed because she can’t connect with her fiancé. I gave her the advice that she shouldn’t marry him because it won’t work (especially since she has a high sex drive). My advice was probably uncalled for, but I just can’t imagine why anyone would get married to the gender they aren’t attracted to. She has severe religious guilt, which is why she won’t be with a woman. I’ve tried everything I can think of to help her. (I’m also a Christian, but I refuse to believe my God would damn me to Hell for loving someone.)

    We didn’t talk for about 2 years after I decided to cut contact. When she reached back out to me, she apologized for what she did in the past, but I had already forgiven her. We decided to be friends, and began talking on a daily basis. Almost instantly, she started reminiscing about our past, which confused me a bit. Though, I’ll admit, it was nice having her back in my life.

    When I told her not to marry her fiancé, she pushed me away and avoided the subject. She even started ignoring me until I apologized and told her I wouldn’t give her that advice anymore. She married him 2 months after she reached back out to me. She is deep in denial. She started to convince herself that her depression is the reason behind why she can’t connect with him. But the truth is, her orientation and personality is the reason why she can’t connect with him. She’s extremely creative, extroverted, sensitive, and hardworking. Her husband is rational, introverted, unmotivated, and awful at communication. They’re also both dominant in bed, so there’s a power struggle. She also prefers the “male role” in a relationship, so this makes it a bit complicated. To make matters even more complicated, she just recently had a baby a few months ago (unplanned). At first, I was worried because of her already complicated situation. But her daughter has brought her a lot of joy, and even I’ve grown to love her child. She’s absolutely perfect.

    Lately though, she’s been distant with her emotions. One day she acts like I’m her best friend, and the next, she acts like I’m just some random person. She puts so much on herself, so I assume this is stress. She takes care of her child all day and night, she cleans and cooks, and she goes to school full-time (online). Her husband works a full-time job, but he sits at work all day and takes calls. When he comes home, he eats dinner, then plays video games until bedtime. She has to nag him constantly to help her with chores and the baby. She uses the excuse that he acts this way because he was sheltered all his life. But I know it’s because he doesn’t connect with her, which causes him to be unmotivated to interact with her like a partner should.

    A few months ago, I realized I still have feelings for her. She also admitted that she will always have feelings for me. I’m respectful and passive, so I don’t push myself into an inappropriate place in her life. I act like her best friend, and that’s it. Though, she sometimes slips up and flirts with me, which I reciprocate. I even offered to come visit her (for the first time) to help her clean her apartment and babysit her child while she gets ahead on homework. But she rejected my offer and said it would be inappropriate. I was confused by this because I know for a fact I wouldn’t pursue her in that way (I’m extremely passive, and I never make the first move on anyone, and she knows this.) So I confided in a mutual friend of ours about this. Apparently, she confided in him about me and her meeting one day, and she said she would be too tempted to be intimate with me. He basically said there’s a 99% chance of adultery. So basically, she would come onto me even if I act as just her friend.

    I kept advising her to see a therapist about her depression, but she kept saying she can’t afford one because she doesn’t have health insurance. However, a few days ago, she had a severe depressive episode and decided she has no choice but to see a therapist. I even adviced her to see a marriage counselor to help her through her marriage. As much as I would like to be with her, my love for her isn’t selfish and I would like for her to at least try to see if there’s hope for her marriage. To me, true love isn’t forceful or demanding. I cannot allow myself to take advantage of her depression to suit my needs. If there is hope for her marriage and a chance that she can find true happiness, I want that for her even if it’s not with me. And even as much as it would pain me to do so, if I had to walk away from her life in order for her to achieve happiness, I would; because her happiness is what I want, even if I’m hurting. To me, love is about sacrifice and understanding. I’d do anything for her. But she confided in our friend and told him that she’s afraid of me leaving her life again.

    My final concern is... I wonder if she will need antidepressants. She doesn’t want to take them, but I’m worried that this may have to happen. I’m on Lexapro, and it honestly saved my life (I had a lot of childhood trauma). However, I’m worried that if she starts taking an antidepressant, it’ll give her a false sense of hope for a while, and cause her to relapse when she realizes that no medication can make her feel happy in her current situation.

    I need very thorough, understanding advice from anyone who can give it to me. Thank you. :slight_smile:
     
  2. RedTrekkie95

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    Hi, I'm not sure how you could help your friend anymore, it seems like you've already done a lot for her. She would really benefit from speaking to someone, mainly because she has so much going on at the moment. If she had some more support from her husband, e.g. with the house work and babysitting, that would take quite a lot of her head and allow her to focus on her homework as well as trying to help herself out with her depression. Maybe look up some therapeutic exercises that would help your friend (perhaps a book) and recommend it to her to help her out a bit.
    That's my two pence. Take care!
     
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  3. GlassWalls

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    I wish I could help you more because I'm also trying to help out a friend who I think may be in a similar situation. The only thing I can think of is what RedTrekie95 already said which is book recommendations. I basically self-medicate myself with books, so when I'm trying to help someone expand their mind I rec books to them.
     
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  4. Anonymous

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    Thanks for the reply. Yeah, I don’t think there’s much more I can do for her. I’m trying so hard to be patient. It hurts so much to see her crumble and fade from her true self. It’s like the stress, depression, and denial is draining her spirit. She used to draw and talk about creative things. But now, she mostly talks about college, managing her money, and chores. This isn’t her. It’s like she has to focus on these things because her husband barely helps her. She said she has to constantly nag him to help out. He told her she has to tell him what to do and be kinda bossy because that’s what he’s used to. I’m sorry... but that’s a ridiculous excuse. I was raised being bossed around by a perfectionist mother, and even I know when I have to make my partner and my responsibilities a priority. I don’t think they’re in love with each other. I think they care deeply for each other. But they don’t connect on an emotional or sexual level; even she admitted that.

    I’m sorry to hear about your friend. :/
    My friend doesn’t have any free time to read because she’s too busy doing homework, caring for her infant child, cooking dinner, and doing chores (because her husband barely helps). Plus, she’s ADD and not the type who sits and reads. I’ll advise her to try it, though. I may Google a few books to see what’s out there.

    Thank you both for the advice. :slight_smile: I just hope she sees that her marriage is draining her and that she needs to do something about it. I know depression can make a person struggle with seeking help. :frowning2:
     
  5. GlassWalls

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    Maybe she can try audiobooks? That way she can listen and work at the same time.