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I’m trying to accept my homosexuality

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by Gayhusband, Oct 7, 2019.

  1. Gayhusband

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    Hello everyone, I’m writing this post as a means of opening up about my bi/sexuality or as I sometimes see it my homosexuality. I’ve been trying to accept and understand my sexuality, I’m 49 now, and as my wife says I should be done with this identity struggle I’ve been in the last 25 years. I’m so sexually frustrated it’s making my crazy. The urge and compulsion to cheat on my wife and be with a man sexually is driving me to seriously consider that scenario. My wife has mentioned before that if I need to suck a “ “ I should just do it. I’m afraid. I’m afraid that once/if I do, I’ll be forced to admit that I need homosexual love more than I need heterosexual love. I don’t want to leave my wife and kid, but telling to her I’m bisexual is now just confusing my reality. She wants to stick to her belief that I’m bisexual, I had told her that I was bi a few years back when I first realized I wasn’t going to be able to hide my true sexuality any longer. I’m in deep. It’s debilitating. I’m heading down a bumpy road. I’m scared, resentful and closeted and it’s my own fault. Just not sure leaving my family for my sexuality is the only answer
     
  2. Benway

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    Your wife seems fairly understanding, I don't see why you shouldn't follow her advice of if you need to go out and do something just do it. I don't see why it'd mean you have to leave your family at all, you can play both cards if you balance them right so why not give it a try? I'm almost 32, I've been dealing with same sex attraction since I was like, 15 and I finally caved three years ago and had sex with a man and it made me feel a lot better about myself. I've had sex with three guys in total and one woman. With the woman, I wasn't really attracted to her so I didn't get off even though she did, but if your wife's giving you a pass, I say take it. You still love your wife and kid, right? That's not going to change if you have sex with a guy. It might even help put things in perspective.
     
  3. Contented

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    You feelings are understandable. Once the “gay” genie is out of the bottle it is difficult if not impossible to put it back. Was in your position and even called myself bi however in a short time I knew it was a lie. After my first sexual experience with another man I knew I was gay. I couldn’t unfeel those emotions or forget that indescribable pleasure. Exploring your sexuality is the obvious path to determine your real sexual identity. Good luck.
     
  4. DecentOne

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    So bring this up with her again, as it seems she was trying to be supportive and give you permission for a certain type of activity. Make sure she knows you love her. Be sure you listen to her if she talks about how your turmoil is bothering her or making the marriage difficult, or what her fears might be. Then if you want to try something with a guy, be honest with her that you remember her saying something about going ahead. It is not cheating if you are both open and honest. No two mixed orientation marriages are alike, but it seems the thing that is most derailing for marriage is the lack of communication, or open honesty. Don’t assume what communication level is best - discuss both your expectations and comfort zones. Maybe she wants to hear all about it if you are meeting up with a guy, or meet the guy herself to be sure, or maybe she just wants to know you are safe and doesn’t want details. Maybe you want to share lots with her, maybe you don’t.

    So if you do meet up with a guy, and find you are bi, you might discover this takes nothing away from being with your wife.
    And if you discover you are gay, as @Contented did, then you finally know.

    I don’t speak from experience, but I feel for you.
     
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  5. Nickw

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    @Gayhusband

    I agree with what others have written here. I was in the same situation as you and my wife was OK with me exploring with men. I discovered that I am not gay. That I am bisexual. There are just some things that I find I prefer with men and some with women. And, I found that once I experienced m2m intimacy, my fantasies became less over time.

    I have had an exclusive intimate relationship with a man for almost a year now. My wife just adores the guy. He is like part of the family. So, it can work. But, I know, in my heart of hearts, that when this relationship eventually ends (it has to with our age differences), I don't see myself with a man again.

    When I didn't know what it was like to be intimate with a man, I found I was attracted to a lot of men. Now, I find that I only am attracted to my friend. I don't even get anything out of gay porn (not that I was big into it before). You could be like this too. Maybe a lot of your attraction is because it is the forbidden fruit. Or, maybe, you are gay and really need to learn this about yourself.

    As @DecentOne suggested, communicate with your wife about this.
     
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  6. Contented

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    I would caution you there is risk in experimentation. While you may find you are indeed bi or straight but the chance exists that you find out your gay as I did. I can tell you from my experience that is a game changer. For me once I acknowledged I was gay first the desire and then the ability to be with a woman sexually disappeared. All I could think about was freeing myself from my hetero past. Within a short period of time I was out of my relationship with my long term GF and dating a man. For me the first time I was intimate with a man I was 100% sure I was gay and have never looked back. Just be aware of the possibility.
     
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  7. justaguyinsf

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    I think you're creating a false either/or situation (not clear why you would have to leave your family) and you're also anticipating things that may never happen. Nor do you necessarily have to act on your attractions to men. But whatever you choose you should be in charge of your own life ultimately and, in my opinion, you seem to be abandoning that responsibility.
     
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  8. cjmiller

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    I'm in a similar situation without my wife knowing about my sexuality confusion. The urges were so strong that I couldn't contain and did have an encounter with another man on a business trip. Shortly there after, I went from thinking I was bi to knowing I am gay. Like @Contented said, once the genie was out of the bottle I could never put it back in.
     
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