1. This site uses cookies. By continuing to use this site, you are agreeing to our use of cookies. Learn More.

I’m too old for this...

Discussion in 'Family, Friends, and Relationships' started by I'mStillStanding, Oct 6, 2020.

  1. I'mStillStanding

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Feb 28, 2016
    Messages:
    939
    Likes Received:
    328
    Location:
    East Coast
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    Growing up I didn’t have too many friends, and by 4th grade like none. I was never invited to birthday parties, never hung out with people after school, etc. I mean, never is a bit dramatic. I did have a friend I hung out with a few months when about 18. But still that’s it.

    Now, here I am in my 30’s and I still like the idea of friendships. Being close to someone... I mean I like to be social. Hang out, play games, dinner parties, etc. I’m cheesy. But I don’t have that kind of a social circle... I have a friend I message with a little daily now...

    But here’s the thing... lately I’ve been feeling super lonely. I want to have more interactions with people... dare I say I may even like to start dating :astonished: instead of just the hookups I’ve been doing for the last four years. I’m just nervous about doing that. Since I’m feeling lonely.

    See I was talking with a guy every single day, like all day. This went on for a year and half... then something happened and I didn’t hear from him for a couple months. I text twice, sent an email, sent an insta, even sent a card cause I got worried! Finally I heard back from him and we slipped back into talking like regular for a couple weeks... now he’s disappeared again and it’s been months. I worry this has caused me to kinda spiral into a needy place and I hate needing people... he was the person I was most myself with, he knew everything... he was with me through some extremely difficult stuff I had to process. And his absences is so obvious...

    I’ve rambled about nothing. Sorry.
     
  2. resu

    Advisor Full Member

    Joined:
    Jun 23, 2013
    Messages:
    4,798
    Likes Received:
    229
    Location:
    Oklahoma City
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Some people
    Don't put all your eggs in one basket. I would say it's important to keep building new friendships because you can't expect one person to always be available. Of course, when you're in a relationship, that may happen, but you don't want to look at every person you meet only through the dating lens. Now with the internet and social media, there are so many options for connections.

    That said, each relationship has some give and take, so you may also need to work on how you will contribute. Even volunteering can be very helpful in both connecting and building friendships. Friendship is a skill that takes time to learn.
     
    QuietPeace and HM03 like this.
  3. I'mStillStanding

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Feb 28, 2016
    Messages:
    939
    Likes Received:
    328
    Location:
    East Coast
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    I definitely think I’m kinda open to friendships. I mean I am kind of a guarded person, so the friend who disappeared was a blow because he’s the one I let my walls down with. My other friends, I kinda keep my personal stuff to myself. Also I’ve not been open to dating like at all... I’ve been out four and half years and haven’t ever dated a guy. Hook ups and fwb sure... dating no lol. So I don’t use a dating lens for any relationship honestly lol. I gotta get better with the give and take... I generally feel like I’m too available for everyone in my life. I drop what I’m doing to be there for those in my life... like family and some friends. But unfortunately most aren’t there for me like that... which has made me isolate I guess.

    Again I’m rambling and not even making sense to myself.
     
  4. QuietPeace

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Aug 12, 2020
    Messages:
    369
    Likes Received:
    149
    Location:
    Northern Europe
    Gender:
    Female
    Gender Pronoun:
    She
    Sexual Orientation:
    Other
    Out Status:
    A few people
    I have had similar problems finding friends. I echo resu, get out and do things that you enjoy. Whatever that is (volunteering, political activism, book club, games, etc) (I know with the virus right now that is difficult), finding people with similar interests is a good way to develop friends. Don't give up if it takes time, it can take many repeated exposures for you to connect with someone well.
     
    I'mStillStanding likes this.
  5. Ram90

    Moderator Full Member

    Joined:
    Nov 18, 2015
    Messages:
    971
    Likes Received:
    318
    Location:
    India
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Some people
    I haven't had many friends over the years. And they weren't good friendships either, some of them downright toxic even, so I never had continuous friends. Things got much lonely after college, when I sat and worked from home, limiting my social interaction and becoming a total introvert.

    But once I started going out again and participating in different social groups in 2017, I made new friends and I've kept in touch with all of them since, even till today. Sure, I don't chat with all of them on a regular basis. I can only name two or three of them as my closest, 3 am friends. But even then we don't chat, text or talk over the phone regularly. We can even go weeks at a time without contacting each other, before one of us caves in and we just pick up where we left, without getting into why we didn't talk for that period. I think it is because, we know we have other friend circles too which consumes our time (along with family and work too).

    I agree with what Quietpeace and Resu said about getting out there, finding different groups and making new friends. I do understand this might be tough under the circumstances (COVID-19) and also your work schedule and family life (In case that takes up too much of your time).
     
    I'mStillStanding likes this.
  6. resu

    Advisor Full Member

    Joined:
    Jun 23, 2013
    Messages:
    4,798
    Likes Received:
    229
    Location:
    Oklahoma City
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Some people
    Yes, it is important to remember a good friend will treat you the same no matter how long you don't talk. There was some research saying only 1/3 of friendships last more than 7 years, but the researchers said the total number of friendships remain stable. That's kind of normal as people go through different life stages and jobs/schools. I don't have a lot of friends, but a few are from grade school and often have similar personalities/interests/viewpoints.

    Be careful in thinking you have to "drop everything" for others. It's healthier to do things as a free choice rather than only obligation. That kind of tit-for-tat approach can lead to unrealistic expectations. Sometimes friends make mistakes (and often it's us), and that's okay. Friendship is a skill that you have to practice at to get better.

    Also, I want to emphasize that you hold the keys to your own happiness. While other people, especially friends and family, can help in that respect, you should focus on self-development so you aren't depending solely on external approval. Often, the fear of being let down can erode your self-esteem. While there is no easy solution for everyone, if you take the time to build up your own activities/interests, you will find friends along the way.
     
    I'mStillStanding likes this.
  7. I'mStillStanding

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Feb 28, 2016
    Messages:
    939
    Likes Received:
    328
    Location:
    East Coast
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    So... clearly I’m in feelings. I’ll snap out of them for sure... I miss my friend I’ve not heard from, I’m frustrated with a friend who Is more local because I wanna just hang out and chat and he wants sex so it gets frustrating, I’m over being in the living situation I’m in and not having a life, and I’m dealing with some feeling that has come out about my past... my friend I’ve not heard from was the one person who I talked with about this stuff beside my therapist so maybe that’s why I’m taking that so hard...

    I’ve applied for a new job finally... hopefully I’ll get it. This will get me out of the house and on the road to getting some distance from the unhealthy codependent situation I’m in with mom (I’m her primary caregiver that was suppose to be just a couple months after my grandmothers death and it’s been a year and half). I have a friend from an old job getting married and I’m one of her bridesmaids lol not sure what the gay male version is called. And I gotta be more open to people so getting this shit together will give me the push I need.
     
  8. MarianneC

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Jun 19, 2020
    Messages:
    20
    Likes Received:
    6
    Location:
    Ontario
    Gender:
    Androgyne
    Gender Pronoun:
    She
    Sexual Orientation:
    Lesbian
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    Life is full of good and bad but its always much easier to ponder of the bad things. I think humans are pretty resilient so i know you'll be able to switch this around one day. Dont be hard on yourself in these either! Youre most likely doing better than you think.
    Best advice for the old feelings from the past coming around is to get a control on those before they control you. Living in the past or future too often and too strongly is a recipe for a bad mood.
    Good luck; do some things for yourself!
     
    I'mStillStanding likes this.
  9. Loves books

    Full Member

    Joined:
    May 4, 2017
    Messages:
    994
    Likes Received:
    83
    Location:
    Ireland
    I don’t have any friends. I moved several times as a kid and couldn’t break into established friend groups. I’m nearly 30 and very lonely. The loneliness is recent. I was always lonely but it’s been worse recently.I’m also very shy and terrible at social situations. I can’t make friends because it’s the middle of a pandemic and my country is constantly upping restrictions in an effort to control the problem. I want friends but it’ll have to wait.
     
    MarianneC and I'mStillStanding like this.
  10. I'mStillStanding

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Feb 28, 2016
    Messages:
    939
    Likes Received:
    328
    Location:
    East Coast
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    I feel that lonely bit! It’s odd because I never really felt that way on this level... so much so I even told a person recently I am considering starting to date...
     
    MarianneC likes this.
  11. MarianneC

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Jun 19, 2020
    Messages:
    20
    Likes Received:
    6
    Location:
    Ontario
    Gender:
    Androgyne
    Gender Pronoun:
    She
    Sexual Orientation:
    Lesbian
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    Thats relatable whatwith the covid stuff. The biggest bummer ive ever lived through! If you believe in yourself you can do awesome things. I was diagnosed w the social anxiety bug as well over a decade ago. I can promise you ANYONE can get a grip on self confidence. Self confidence makes social situations amazingly easier! I believe in you.
     
  12. Lucy Marie

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Sep 9, 2020
    Messages:
    90
    Likes Received:
    14
    Location:
    MHK
    Gender:
    Female
    Gender Pronoun:
    She
    Sexual Orientation:
    Straight but curious
    Out Status:
    Not out at all
    There are many, many who feel as you do. Myself included. Married to career Soldier and we moved. And moved. Goodbye came easily always knowing separation was coming. Either watching others leave and also knowing another move for the family was coming. We are retired now. Love MHK and our neighborhood, but families around us have parents the same age as my son. Lovely women, but that generation gap is no joke.
    I know, oh do I know, the feeling of alone. I try hard to live with this truth—there are always more people to meet. Church is good. So, is the gym. Anyplace where people gather that are like you—something in common. And, of course, the internet. Use it to meet people in your area and frequent sites like this. It is a dry patch, but I guarantee you will find a friend (or 2). Meanwhile ((momhugs)).