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I’m stuck

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by Macdaniel, Mar 15, 2019.

  1. Macdaniel

    Regular Member

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    Location:
    New York
    Gender:
    Female
    Gender Pronoun:
    She
    Sexual Orientation:
    Questioning
    Out Status:
    Not out at all
    Hi - I am 27 and been married to a man for three years. When I was 13 I came out to my mother, and she made fun of me and outed me to the rest of my family. From then on I dated men who were interested in me, it was the only way to survive in my household - but was never really physically attracted to them. I don’t know if this is psychosomatic, but sex makes me anxious and always really hurts, and I have never orgasmed from a man (TMI sorry). I’ve also struggled with an eating disorder, which completely killed my desire for years.

    Then I met my husband, who I love deeply. He is a wonderful man. But recently i have been finding it impossible to ignore the fact that I am just physically not attracted to him. It took me two years to tell my therapist that I was possibly not straight - and now the immense guilt and anxiety I am feeling is pretty awful. I feel insanely alone and frightened. And I don’t know what to do. I guess posting here is a start. Not sure what the point of this post is - I just need to be able to talk openly for once. I’m scared. What do I do? I hate feeling this alone and stuck.
     
  2. Macdaniel

    Regular Member

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    Location:
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    Questioning
    Out Status:
    Not out at all
    I should probably add - I have never been with a woman, although I have kissed a few, and kissed girls up until I came out to my mum. Is it possible that I am wrong on this - maybe if I have never been with a woman I’m just curious? The crushes I get on women are so strong though. Much stronger than anything I’ve ever experienced with men. Argh.
     
  3. Mlpguy88

    Full Member

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    Some people
    That is a hard situation. Is there anyone outside of family that you are close to who you can trust? Just a friend or work friend that is outside the family realm? That way they will not come in contact with others you know? Getting that first person under your belt is the big step
     
  4. Caraldo

    Regular Member

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    Family only
    I think that before you even tackle your sexual orientation, the stated fact that you love your husband, but aren't attracted or sexually into him. IMO friendship is essential for a successful romantic relationship, but can't be the sole basis. So in fairness to him, this has to be addressed. He deserves to have a partner who loves him in an authentic way. I think that at 13 if you felt gay, and at 27 you don't find the opposite sex attractive, it probably means that you at the very least are not heterosexual. These need to be addressed. I will forever regret not only denying myself from true love, but not forcing my wife to deal with the fact she was never going to get out of me what she wanted. Straight spouses don't deserve to have their self esteem damaged by something completely out of their control. If he is your age, then you are both young enough to start over. Just a thought from an older gay man who did a lot of unnecessary harm.
     
    sublimeprincess likes this.
  5. sublimeprincess

    Regular Member

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    Location:
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    Gender:
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    Gender Pronoun:
    She
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    If people hide a secret, we tend to hyper-focus on whatever that may be. TBH I have fluctuated with saying I am a lesbian, bisexual, and straight. The label isn't so important because I believe it just depends on how you feel and what you desire with the whatever person you are around. Sexual orientation is fluid, so I don't think figuring out exactly what label matches you is that incredibly important.

    I think if you feel you are safe to come out to your husband, Caraldo is onto something with saying you should talk to him. That's the respectful, human thing to do.

    It sounds like with you going to a therapist with eating disorders and such that you need some girl cuddling <3 Aww I so know what it's like to be in the closet, and I hope you find a girl that you can at least hold while watching San Junipero. I know there's a bar out in New York called the Cubby Hole that is a great place for lesbians if you're feeling courageous. I wish I could give you the biggest hug. You got this, girl <3
     
    Caraldo likes this.