so, long story short... my girlfriend and I got engaged last weekend. I called my parents and told them... it was a little awkward but not terrible. Then I post on social media (nothing flashy) just a simple pic of our rings. Then I get a nasty text from my mom asking if I had told my brother (I have 2 brothers, one gay one straight). She only asked about my straight brother. Since I hadn’t told him she’s not saying that I’m disrespectful for not telling people who love me about such a big event in my life. But I’ve been extremely busy with final exams and running on minimal sleep this week. I had planned on contacting them this week when that was over. We’re not super close but my mom is more concerned about 1 brothers feelings than she is about mine and my happiness. I am a private person and feel awkward talking to them about personal things anyway. I haven’t responded to her yet because I have been preparing for more exams and didn’t want to lash out in anger. But I am legitimately hurt that she’s so much more worried about my brother finding out on social media than she is how I feel, knowing that it’s not that well accepted in the south and in a religious family...
Hey that's a tough one, probably her response is a reflection of her dealing with the situation and perhaps finding it slightly difficult rather than a reflection of her not caring about you. I don't think there is necessarily a right or wrong way to deal with it, and as you say you aren't that close to your brother. It is also you that got engaged so to a point it's up to you the order you tell people and how you do it. That being said, I think most people do tell their family before posting on social media and probably particularly traditionally people would tell their family first so they don't find out through a different source. I'm not saying you were wrong in what you did just that perhaps your mum is coming at it from a different viewpoint. Could you perhaps just send your brother a message? That way you have told him but you don't have to have an awkward phone call? Then you can go back to your mum and just say you have messaged him?
This was a really crappy thing to do during what's supposed to be one of the high points of your life. I'm really sorry you're having to experience that. It must feel particularly bad given the circumstances. If this was a surprise (meaning, she didn't know you were a lesbian), then her response is most likely the "anger" stages of the stages of loss (loss of perception of you as straight.) The stages are denial-anger-bargaining-grief-acceptance, and it can take from minutes to months (sometimes longer) for people to be fully accepting. So my guess is she's basically just lashing out not really about your brother, but about having something out of her control and having to readjust her perceptions. That said, it is absolutely no business for the mother of an adult to be shaming said adult and setting expectations about communications with third parties. This shows a lack of appropriate boundaries on your mother's part. I wouldn't necessarily go there with her, but perhaps if you can see it for what it is, you'll feel a little less upset about it.
