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I’m new- married for 10 years and finally questioning my sexuality.

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by Dkrs1287, Aug 7, 2018.

  1. Dkrs1287

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    Hi! I’m new here. I’m a 30 year old woman, married to a man and we have two wonderful young kids.. Within the last couple weeks- ive seriously begun questioning my sexuality and wondering if I’m gay. If I am- I feel like so much of my life makes sense.

    I’ve been having sexual dreams about my female best friend and I find myself thinking about her often. I get excited when she texts me and we basically flirt when we hang out. Last night we were laughing about something and she touched my leg and I felt like a girl in high school... I wanted to just touch her everywhere.. I either have a serious crush on her or I’m in love with her..

    This isn’t the first time I’ve had a deep connection with a woman, a few years ago- I was devastated when a very good friend had to move across the country. I wrote her deep goodbye letters and made her mix cds for the drive... when I went to visit her months later I found myself wanting to kiss her and couldn’t stop thinking about it- but I pushed it down and was in major denial.

    About 8 years ago I became extremely jealous when a very close friend started to become close friends with someone else that wasn’t me.. I got jealous every time they hung out and it felt like she only had time for this new girl. I was so wrecked about it and felt so rejected. My husband said to me “I wonder/hope you’d be this upset if you and I broke up”... my therapist at the time asked if I was in love with her and I quickly said “what?! No!” I think even she could see- I just wasn’t ready to.

    My marriage is...eh. My husband wants to be closer to me and more intimate with me and I just can’t/don’t want to be. I’ve always thought it’s because I’m emotionally unavailable... but I’m just now wondering if I just want that type of deep connection with a woman- like the connection I feel with my current best friend. Sex with my husband is okay... I can get into it- it takes a while. I feel like he always wants sex and I feel obligated to do it sometimes... but it’s never “making love”...

    What do you think? Does any of this sound familiar to anyone? Does this mean I’m gay or bi? Is it possible to repress this long?This is very difficult to begin to question and think about. I have two kids and I LOVE my family so much... how will I KNOW? How can I know if I haven’t been with a woman? This feels scary. Any thoughts or advice appreciated! Thank you!
     
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  2. silverhalo

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    Hey sorry replied to your welcome thread but thought I'd post here too just in case you only looked at one.

    Hey welcome to EC. Take a deep breath, I know it's tough but you will find plenty of support and people who are or have been in your situation here. Does you situation sound familiar, yes absolutely, have I been in that situation, no but I've seen many people here in such similar situations. I know looking at the situation is daunting and scary but you just have to take it one step at a time and you will know the right path to take.

    Are you gay or bi, that really is a million dollar question and one that really only you can answer, don't worry though we can all be here to help you, it's just only you can know what you feel. That being true, judging by what you have written I would say it is unlikely that you are straight, the urges that you have felt for those other girls are unlikely to mean nothing.
    It's definitely possible to repress it, whether that is consciously or subconsciously or just failing to connect all the dots and get the right answer. You can definitely know without actually physically being with another woman, it's hard to silence the doubts in your mind but I think that is more about the way society makes us think, I mean straight people do not go around wondering how they can be sure they are straight before they have been with someone of the opposite sex.

    Have you confided this in anyone or are we the first people you have told?
     
  3. Forlong

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    Hi
    First I want to say welcome, I understand exactly what you’re going through. I have been struggling with the same feeling you have on wether or not I’m gay. And I learned through a lot of soul searching and just talking to people like me is that I’ve always been gay. I was brought up that it wasn’t right so I ignored those feelings because I thought they were bad. Got married had a family that I do not regret but, now I’m trying to figure out how to tell my husband who I do love and care for. I would talk to someone you trust outside of your life who you can confide in. Hope you find answers on EC it’s been a huge help for me. X
     
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  4. LostInDaydreams

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    Welcome to EC. :slight_smile:

    I'm in a similar position to you. I'm in a long term relationship with a man and we have a child. I started questioning about 3 or so years ago...and haven't done much about it, to be honest. Prior to questioning, I really had no idea, just explained all the signs away.

    I found posting on here very helpful, but it still took me some time to reach the conclusion that I'm gay. I identified as "not straight" for months whilst I worked everything out in my head. There's no rush, but try not to get too caught up in going over the past signs again and again and again.. Try to focus on how you feel now and what you want going forward. If you imagine a future that involves only relationships with men, how does that feel? Also, try to separate how you feel about your relationship and family, from how you feel about your sexuality. It might help to makes things clearer. It can be easy to become caught up in and swayed by the impact you anticipate one having on the other.

    There's no one way to do this and there's no rush to do anything. Keep posting here. Any questions, just ask.
     
  5. Peterpangirl

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    It is very hard when you have built a heterosexual life and have these feelings. There are no easy answers in terms of where to go from here. But just because you have feelings that you haven't acted on doesn't mean those feelings aren't real. Wanting to spend time in a woman's soul company, getting jealous of her other friends and wanting to hold and touch her are signs of same sex attraction. I only really registered the physical dimensions with my catalyst. That's what made me join up the dots. And when I started dating another woman for the first time the physical stuff was just confirmed to me in spades.
     
    #5 Peterpangirl, Aug 12, 2018
    Last edited: Aug 12, 2018
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  6. Peterpangirl

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    I was thinking that it might be helpful to ask yourself "How would I feel as an elderly woman on my deathbed if I had never acted on these feelings?". For me the painful answer was that I would feel deep regret. I was having daydreams about finally holding my catalyst's hand and confessing my feelings to her over a cup of tea in an armchair in a retirement home....crazy...but that was how strong the yearning felt.
     
  7. Stellardan

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    I have all of these same thoughts. I think the tough part is with a family identifying your true sexuality is a change in itself let alone everything else in life that has the potential to change just because of something you may or may not like to do in your bedroom and with another person
     
  8. Tightrope

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    This is very heartfelt. There's a lot going on. Others here can probably give advice on next steps. I can only say that what you wrote was intense and deep and is some kind of awakening.

    If I may ask, how did you and your husband ever tie the knot? Were you friends who later on got married?

    Maybe your upbringing could view the way you feel you can be affectionate with women. Just a thought. I don't know. Some women are very comfortable hugging and holding another woman, but it's not necessarily sexual. I had an interesting experience. There was a guy I was really impressed by and once I did become his friend, a lot of what I thought was sexual angst diminished. It didn't completely go away, but it became manageable and a lot less important. Being able to have lunch with him was good enough. Do you feel adventure, novelty, a higher level of closeness? Learning a little more about how you and your current husband got together and how you interacted with women at about that same time might be helpful, both for you and us trying to decipher the situation.
     
  9. Tightrope

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    This is exactly what went through my mind as I was reading the original post. This will be a journey of discovery.
     
  10. Shell87

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    Hi and welcome.
    I am 31 with 2 children and last year was also questioning as you are.

    I had huge intamacy issues too, it caused rifts in my relationship. It would get to the point I didn't even want to kiss my husband because he might think it would be leading somewhere. I could see guys were attractive but that is really where it stopped.
    I spent a long time questioning as I had a family to think about.

    I had little signs along the way but some significant ones similar to yours.

    After coming out and since having a girlfriend I realised that I was not cold, I could spend hours holding her hand and lying with her, I could feel passion more intense than I had ever felt.

    I found that I explored more about who I really was while questioning. Me without children, a different pair of shoes, a piercing, reading a gay romance book all helped me learn more about myself.
     
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  11. Lgbtqpride

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    You are bisexual
     
  12. LaneyM

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    This really resonated with me, I'm in that process now. Changing my hair, how I dress, reading different books. I feel a lot freer to explore my personality even when it comes to things that have nothing to do with my sexuality.
     
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  13. LaneyM

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    @Dkrs1287 welcome, glad you are here. I can relate to a lot of what you're saying. I'm 26, also married to a man and have come to terms with the fact that I am bi or gay quite recently. Part of what started all this was an intense (but platonic) relationship with a female friend that I damaged, if not ruined, by telling her my true feelings. I love my husband, I can't deny I've been attracted to him (even if sex has never been much of a thrill for me), and leaving him feels like I'd be destroying a huge part of my life, let alone his. It's definitely possible to repress it for a long time, especially when you're risking rejection by the majority of the people in your life by accepting it. I know that's what's kept me in the closet for so long. Like other commenters have said, it's a journey, but you are in control and you don't have to rush or assume anything.
     
  14. Cashew

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    In my experience think it seems to be really common for women to subconsciously suppress their feelings towards other women. I think it has to do with the patriarchal societies that we live in. Men hold the power and power is attractive. So, unless you have very strong feelings towards women when you are younger/ a teenager, you just kind of go along with societal norms.
    This has been my experience anyway. I was in a long term relationship with a man in my twenties, luckily we never married. Then I began to have sexual feelings towards female friends. Before that I never had strong sexual feelings towards men or women. It took me quite a long time to understand and accept that I'm gay. I've come out to everyone now and let me tell you, I have never felt more free or more at one with myself in my whole life, it's amazing! So, I'm waving to you from the other end of the tunnel. If you can, I would highly recommend exploring your true self, it's not only you who will reap benefits, but also everyone else involved in your life. Because suppressing your true self, is detrimental to you and your loved ones as well. I only realised the extent of this now that I am out on the other side and can breath freely.

    Wishing you the very best on your journey x
     
    #14 Cashew, Nov 16, 2018
    Last edited: Nov 16, 2018
  15. UMedusa

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    Yes, it is possible to repress/be in denial for that long.

    Here's something that might help, which I experienced. When you come out to yourself, you kind of can't go back to pretending to be hetero. Your brain doesn't like it anymore. There might be some bi-tendencies with regard to romantic love and the familiarity of it, but it fades pretty fast once being homosexual clicks in your mind. People talk about "experimenting" with other people to find out, but I found it wasn't necessary. You can learn a lot about yourself by being single and observing life in the moment, versus hindsight. I realize you are married and that's not completely an option for you right now, but slow down and, if you are, you'll see. You'll know. From what you wrote, I think you kind of already do. I was always jealous of lesbians and sort of angry or hurt when they weren't my friends. I dunno, there is usually lots you can piece together when you tear down the hetero construct you've been operating under.
     
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  16. weary

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    @Dkrs1287 Welcome! Your story is so much like many here, and you have gotten a lot of great! advice. I wish you all the best. I have been married for for 14 yrs with a teen daughter at home. I came out 2yrs ago to my husband and separated but still lived together for the last 6months. That hasn't worked out. It is a struggle coming to terms with yourself and who you really are, but it is worth it in the end regardless of the answer. Don't worry about how you do or what you do as there is no right way. The key is really to just listen to yourself. Again, best wishes. It will be an eventful journey.


    @Lgbtqpride
    You can't say she is bisexual. Many lesbians - I being one of them, were married for many years before coming to terms with being gay. She may be, she may not be. It is for her to figure it out.
     
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  17. Lgbtqpride

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    Gay cannot fall in love with the opposite gender.
     
  18. UMedusa

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    This is your opinion. It's a good opinion that works to help you make sense of life. That said, it is not inclusive or a majority accepted statement.
     
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  19. Lgbtqpride

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    Straight people cannot fall in love with the same gender
     
  20. UMedusa

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    Love is a spectrum. A rainbow of light.
     
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