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I’m lost

Discussion in 'General Support and Advice' started by rewrittexn, Oct 10, 2019.

  1. rewrittexn

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    So, I’ve made the mistake of falling for my best friend. At first it was fine, because she didn’t know. I didn’t want to tell her because our friendship means a lot to me, and I don’t know what I’ll do without it. But two days ago, she told me she likes me. So, I tell her I like her too. It was a bundle of awkwardness but we wanted to start dating. We were fine yesterday morning. She would hug and touch me more, flirt with me more. I thought we were fine. But then I get a text saying how she can’t do this, because she’s scared of coming out to her parents. She feels like she’ll disappoint them by dating a girl. And I get that. My problem is, I don’t know how to move on. I don’t know how we are going to move on. Normally I’d talk to her about how I’m feeling, but I can’t without her feeling bad and I don’t want her feeling guilty. I’m only out to a few people, and those people aren’t exactly the best people to go to for advice. I’m telling her I’m fine. But I’m not, I’m really not. I feel like I’m breaking. I’m so scared that this will ruin something with our friendship. I don’t know what to do...
     
  2. DecentOne

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    So sorry that her fear of her parents finding out stopped the progress of your relationship.
    What about the people you are out to isn’t good for advice? Are they terrible at relationships? Would they at least be sympathetic to hearing how hard this is for you?

    And welcome to Empty Closets!
     
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  3. Waffless

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    I think the best solution is avoid contact with her don't like ghost her but if you don't have to spend time with her don't because your feeling will just keep fermenting you need some space to chill and even if you can talk to anyone you still got everyone on empty closets
     
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  4. silverhalo

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    Hey I know it doesnt feel like it right now but time will make this easier and together as long as you both want to make it work, you will figure out how to move forward from it. It is a shame she is worried about what her parents will think but at the same time understandable.
    I promise things will get better.
     
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  5. rewrittexn

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    I've told two people about this situation, mainly because when I came out to them they were supportive, and because I needed to talk to someone. But now I feel like to one of them is just a drama show. Their advice consists of kissing her in our school hallway. Which is a big no. For multiple reasons. And I think they're aware that, that is a terrible idea. The other one just doesn't care. I told them about it and they just shrugged. Normally I would go to my best friend about stuff like this, but I can't because it's about her and I know she feels guilty about all this. It's hard not being able to talk to my best friend about how I'm feeling. She helped me come to terms with my sexuality. I would talk to her about my fear of coming out to my parents or my friends. She made it seem like all of it was not a big deal to her. But it is. I know that now. I feel like it's hard to talk to her about this type of stuff too. I also feel guilty because I don't know how to help her. I never had to worry about disappointing my whole family, because I'm already not accepted by them (family drama), I only worry about my parents. And even then I know they will most likely be supportive, to some extent. But she has everyone to worry about. And what worries me is the fact that she is not planning to come out at all. She wants to hide all this inside. I don't think that's good.
     
  6. silverhalo

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    Do you think you could talk to her about how she is feeling? Or do you think that would be too hard for both of you?
     
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  7. IronGospel

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    It's not really your place to make decisions for her. There's no need for you to feel guilty about being unable to help her, it's unfortunate but we aren't always the best equipped to help those who we care for. If she is that scared about what might happen with her family then maybe it's better to get some distance and hope the feelings settle, because it doesn't sound the current path works. I would suggest some resources to help her figure things out if you can't do anything.

    Worst case, you might have to reckon with the notion that this decision will ruin your friendship. Sometimes we have to come to terms that want seemed good in the beginning ended up crashing and burning (lord knows I've been there more than once). It will hurt,but you'll survive. I'm not hoping for that to happen, but I'm saying to try and ready yourself just in case.
     
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  8. rewrittexn

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    I can always try. She doesn’t bring up sexuality in any of our conversations anymore. It’s like last week never happened... But I’ll try asking her. I want her to talk to me. I want to help.
     
  9. silverhalo

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    Fingers crossed, let me know how it goes.
     
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  10. rewrittexn

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    Update: We didn’t really talk about her parents. She says she doesn’t care about coming out to our friends. She was actually willing to come out to one of our friends, to make it easier on me. Anyway, she told me one time her mom asked her if she was lesbian. And she denied it. But she told me she should’ve told her mom the truth. I don’t know if that means anything, maybe it does. So in class we started reading Romeo and Juliet, and she is in my English group so we are always working together. But ever since we started reading it, she’s been saying she’s asexual. Today however, she came out to me as demisexual. Demisexual is where a person doesn’t feel sexually attracted to someone unless they formed an emotional connection with them. I’m confused if that means she’s ever liked me. I asked her and she said she doesn’t know. At this point I know I just have to get over her. Tips on how to do so?
     
  11. bookreader

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    Spending less time with her helps. If you keep hanging out with her, then you won’t be able to get over her. And maybe you can be honest and tell her that you need space.
     
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  12. Torrr

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    I do not know if you should think of falling for your best friend as a mistake. She's the person you know best and have the closest ties with, so that seems logical. You may end up with her soon, who knows? For now, though, I have some advice that you may find useful. Feel good, be active, take a warm bath, spruce up your looks and vibe, and keep those eyes open for someone else who you think is cute and who you would like to explore. Stay friends with your friend of course, but at ANY age the "afraid of coming out to your parents" deal is pretty pathetic and has been a loser move always. First, why would her parents have to know necessarily, especially right away? Also, love demands strength and nerve and at this point she is missing exactly that...so she will miss your love, at least until she figures out what she wants. Meanwhile, turn on to others and keep the friendship with her. You tried; next time, if you still want her, it's her turn. Don't TTH on this relationship until she turns around or grows a pair (metaphorically, of course!). Let us know what happens.
     
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