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I’m convinced I’m straight, but still questioning and it’s bugging me

Discussion in 'Sexual Orientation' started by jjusa, Jul 30, 2021.

  1. jjusa

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    I'm attending junior college this year so maybe I'll find a cheap therapist to see. :slight_smile:
     
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  2. Sadness

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    Thats a nice input. I really would like to know the thin line that separate the anxiety in your case and in ocd. I know that ocd for a fact is related because of anxiety, but shoudnt the anxiety be the same? What is the differenxe between the 2 anxieties?
     
  3. jjusa

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    It's a fantasy I have that doesn't involve much physical contact, if that's what you were asking. No sex involved. I generally feel more confident and open around the opposite sex so I am more comfortable fantasizing a romantic relationship. There was this one time that I kissed a guy and liked it and wanted to do it again, and I've been using that as my reference for attraction to the opposite sex. I can pinpoint some guy crushes but I'm not completely confident they were actual crushes.

    I question my attraction to guys sometimes, but I don't eliminate that possibility because I believe sexuality can change overtime and I don't get a repulsed feeling when I think of being with a guy. I also have never been in a serious relationship with a guy so maybe the sexual feelings will grow overtime. When I came out to my mom as gay, I still had doubts and kind of changed my label to bisexual. Mainly because when I think of a romantic relationship with a woman, it's hard to imagine positive things happening. I always think of the worse that could happen: lack of chemistry, we have nothing in common to talk about, I'm too awkward, I can't open up emotionally or be romantic with women, or I've had more guy friends so I can't be interested in dating women. Yes, I def have sexual feelings for some women, but on the romantic side of things, ehhh.

    I would love to meet those people because so far, I have only met people who love being involved with the community. Lol

    I don't feel validated because I don't meet the stereotypes (I know it's illogical, but I see everywhere on social media people actually meeting those stereotypes) and having no relationship/sex history doesn't help reaffirm things for me.

    I'm not cool, confident, or a trendsetter. I'm introverted, awkward, and pretty timid

    I have major self esteem issues that I can't seem to get past.

    I'm indecisive about my sexual orientation while it seems like everyone else in the community are past that point.

    I feel more comfortable in straight spaces.

    I don't seem to fit in with the gay/lesbian, bi, or asexual communities. I'm definitely on the ace spectrum but that's pretty much it. Might be on the aro spectrum too. My experiences don't exactly match up with others'. I don't care for the L Word and I like a lot of straight shows and movies.

    When I enter LGBT spaces I don't get that feeling of OMG this is where I belong. I get the feeling of rejection. I feel I have to perform a certain way and meet all the stereotypes of a lesbian/bi woman.

    I wonder if the "questioning" community is for me. I've been on AVEN and relate to some of the experiences of asexuality.
     
    #23 jjusa, Aug 6, 2021
    Last edited: Aug 6, 2021
  4. out2019

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    Ok, but all these things don't mean you're not a lesbian, they just mean you don't like the visible community - there are a lot of introverted lgbtq, and lot with low self esteem, shame, anxiety...


    honestly it sounds like you just have a lot of anxiety and lot more emotional investment in the idea of a relationship with a woman. Again to me along with the sexual fantasies you have which are near exclusive about women all are pretty clear indicators.
     
  5. jjusa

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    Me too. I can’t tell if it’s both OCD and generalized anxiety or just gen. anxiety. I know depression can also cause one to ruminate and overthink things.

    I am still unable to disqualify the opposite sex as a potential partner for me. But yeah I am nothing like the visible community which is why I’ve stopped associating myself with it. I also can’t know for sure that I am part of the community without having the confidence that I am.

    Anxiety, yes. Emotional investment, I don’t know. This might be more ocd related then wanting an actual relationship. I can’t deny the sexual attraction though. I just can’t see myself being in a successful relationship with a woman.
     
  6. Sadness

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    I got you, if you read my last post you will see that too. I have obsessed that i could be gay bc of one of my gay friends, i feel extremelly anxious when i try to think of him sometimes to test to see if i would like doing things with him, like romantic things, and even sometimes when i see him at first glancei feel the same feelings: anxiety, chest tightening, sweat, trembling, heart beat fast. And it confuses me a lot bc i dont feel attracted to this guy, or maybe i dont know, because when i try to fantasize about him, i dont feel nothing related to arousal and a good feeling, and sometimes i feel disgusted even.

    So is this anxiety about ocd related? Or is real love and im just hiding it? I wish there was a way for me to know lol.

    Dont know if you feel the same way, but you problaby do. But in your posts you seem to say that you indeed like girls right? And get aroused by them.
     
  7. out2019

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    Again, only you can decide but none of these things changes your sexual orientation. I was almost crying wishing I could be attracted to women, but it's just not there, but once I let it go I began to feel a lot better.
     
  8. out2019

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    It definitely felt blurry at times and you can have OCD and be gay

    Not an expert, but I think its possible to experience both. obtrusive thoughts about being gay and being in denial causing anxiety, also I would imagine the way we adapt personas, we could shift between the two.
     
  9. jjusa

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    I understand. I can only go with my gut feeling and who I think will make me happy right now. Happiness is my main goal and priority which I don’t think another woman can fulfill. Unfortunately I still feel sexual attraction and have to learn to live with that.

    I’m sorry to hear that you were feeling that way :frowning2:
     
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  10. out2019

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    Thanks! It was a long time ago and it was more letting go the hetero 'dream', but as I said, once I accepted that I was not sexually attracted to women and just let the idea go and stopped forcing myself, I started to feel better. I started to realize there is nothing wrong with being gay or my fantasies about men.

    My sexual fantasies about men then got more romantic, and its just a beautiful feeling inside, the love I want to share with a man, that honestly I wouldn't 'become' straight if i could.
     
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  11. out2019

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    Ok. Again, only you can decide, but have you ever considered that the problem might be that you don't feel a woman can fulfill your happiness vs what your orientation is?
    The first problem is a lot easier to 'solve' than the second one. Can you see yourself happy with man and having no physical intimacy?
     
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  12. jjusa

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    Nothing wrong with that at all. I have no shame in having sexual fantasies about women :slight_smile: just don’t know if I want to go further and pursue women romantically or not. Sometimes I feel like they’re just fantasies and nothing really has to happen. Like it’s a phase and that I will eventually settle down with a man.

    That’s wonderful. I don’t think I’m there and I don’t know if I ever will be. I feel like I need to accept that I may never have a romantic fantasy that makes me want to pursue a woman.

    Often I feel like I don’t deserve a woman so I resort to opposite sex romantic fantasies. That’s just one factor out of many. It just feels easier to think of being with a man and I don’t have to worry about whether or not I deserve the other person. It’s just easy. I feel more confident.

    I guess to solve the problem for the first issue is that I don’t date women. Sounds easy enough. The orientation part is definitely difficult to figure out.

    I can’t see myself being happy with no physical intimacy. I could go and get my sexual needs met with a woman while being with an asexual man romantically? Or I could be in a queerplatonic relationship with a man. I crave that emotional intimacy and connection and don’t want to lose that either.
     
  13. GrumpyOldLady

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    For a very long time I was really good at denying my gayness, in many ways I felt the same way you did. I didn't think I belonged to the LGBT community, I held onto my romantic fantasies about men as proof that I was "mostly" straight. I thought that maybe experiences of abuse as a child were responsible for my not enjoying sex with men that and maybe also for the odd fantasy about women that popped up. I just thought there was something "wrong" with me, or maybe I didn't find the right guy. But even when I found one that seemed to fit, sex was never more than meh. It's hard to explain but I needed fantasies of women to enjoy it, which caused so many feelings of shame that I became pretty good at "forgetting" them.

    My family wasn't particularly religious, and I had friends who might have been open but the feelings of shame were still there, there was just this feeling that it was "dirty" and abnormal to think about women that way. It's true that when I was growing up the stigma was much worse than it is today, all I knew from LGBT folks were the worst stereotypes so of course I wouldn't have wanted to identify that way. But even though things have improved, it's really only been in the last few years that depictions of homosexual relationships as "normal" have become more commonplace; in most older films, television series, and books it most definitely is not. So the idea that straight relationships are the norm and everything else is abnormal has persisted and can still contribute to internal homophobia, because we all want to feel as if we're "normal".

    Going through a period of questioning about your sexuality can be quite a journey of self-discovery, I've gone through several phases since I seriously started questioning around 6 years ago, taking a good look at my fantasies and feelings, and my thoughts about my orientation have shifted as I dug deeper. If you're serious about making the journey of discovery I think it's important to let your thoughts and fantasies run free as much as you can.

    When I am completely honest with myself, my romantic attraction to men usually had two forms: either I wanted a boyfriend/husband because that's what we're "supposed" to want, so the majority of my fixation was on achieving a relationship with the person; or it was someone I admired and wanted to emulate or maybe just be good friends with. Sex barely played a role in these fantasies, and at least in my case they might have more to do with my wish to be straight than any real attachment to the person involved.

    As for the LGBT "community", I found that they're just people and although some might be flamboyant or fit some of the stereotypes, most are just ordinary folks just like everyone else.
     
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  14. jjusa

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    @GrumpyOldLady thank you for sharing your story. I really do appreciate you guys helping me out and giving me advice/support.

    I'm so sorry you experienced abuse as a child. I can see how that might've affected your perception of who you are attracted to. I was emotionally neglected and bullied (by both guys and girls) growing up and I attribute these experiences to my perception of "I have attachment issues with men, but if I worked through this issue, I could have a fulfilling relationship with a man." I've also been hurt and tormented by girls and avoid getting close to girls, friendship-wise, as a result. But who cares because I might grow to want to have sex with and be in a relationship with men. I just haven't met the right guy yet. I feel that the trauma has affected my lack of confidence in figuring out who I am attracted to.

    I'm not fully confident that I am NOT attracted to guys, but I am also not fully confident that I AM attracted to girls romantically. I've never connected with a girl romantically so how should I know, you know? Being in this predicament has plagued me with self-doubt, to the point where I am doing absolutely nothing and staying single.

    My family isn't religious either; however, there's definitely that expectation anyway that you will end up with the opposite sex. I'm not sure if I am experiencing any shame. Maybe. It's more I'm trying to problem solve my sexual orientation in my head haha. Is it internalized homophobia or OCD or something else? It's a question I feel will never be solved despite me trying.

    I don't know how old you are but I'm in my late twenties, and even 10-15 years ago, things were a lot worse for LGBT people. I saw only a few non-straight relationships in media. I'm amazed how much change has happened in the last five to six years.

    I feel like at this point, I should stop taking this seriously. Like you said, it's important to let the thoughts and fantasies be as they are. Maybe I'm just aromantic with sexual feelings towards women, which consume my thoughts and fantasies.

    Interesting. I have felt an attachment men but I'm unable to figure out if it's me trying to be straight and it's platonic, or if it's actually romantic. Sex never played a role in my fantasies. Like you though, I have definitely felt that getting into a relationship with a man is an "achievement." I had a boyfriend in high school and only went out with him because he liked me. It felt like I accomplished something. Still, over a decade later, I continue to have that feeling of, "I could still be interested in men; he just wasn't the right guy." In college, I always friendzoned the guys (not many) that I went out with. I really do enjoy the company of men. I think some of them can be so caring, funny, and sweet, which are qualities I look for. I feel that men treat me like I'm a person, a human being, and are accepting of me. I have more things in common wiht other men. Women, not so much. Lol. If I were to walk into a room and there was a guy and a girl, I would probably talk to the guy. Guys for me are a lot more approachable haha.
     
    #34 jjusa, Aug 9, 2021
    Last edited: Aug 9, 2021
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  15. out2019

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    I didn't think I would ever be there either!

    Opposite 'sex' fantasies without sex :slight_smile: So really the issue it seems to me is that you don't feel you deserve or will find a woman to be with not that you don't want it.

    possible but again, I think the easier solution is therapy and/or looking into your feelings that you don't deserve to be with a woman who loves you.

    I did this too.
    yes! I realized it was just an ideal i wanted that would help me feel 'accepted'. I couldn't actually see myself in it though! When I finally let myself fantasize about men, I was easily able to see and imagine how nice it would feel to just hold hands at a dinner date. I realized I never did or could do that with women!
     
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  16. jjusa

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    I feel that I don’t deserve / will find a woman but I also feel that I don’t want it. Two contradictions exist in my head lol. I’m weird.


    I also have the feeling of I don’t think a woman could love me. I think only a man can.
     
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  17. out2019

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    Yeah I get that, but that doesn't change sexual attraction and you sound almost exclusively attracted to women sexually.

    Maybe a better thing to do is put it aside for awhile try to get some low cost therapy with the recs above and work in self esteem, anxiety and other issues?
     
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  18. jjusa

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    Yes, I am exclusively attracted to women sexually, no doubt about that. However, I don’t think I want a long term relationship with anyone. Putting aside relationship and love issues has really helped me focus on other things. It definitely takes the pressure off and I don’t need to stress out about how to act around people. I’ve now adopted the aro identity
     
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  19. GrumpyOldLady

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    I don't think you need to put anything in stone or take on a permanent label, people can change with time and that's ok. It's perfectly legitimate to feel aromantic but also legitimate to change your mind, as long as it comes from you and not pressure from others.

    I never really thought I'd be romantically attracted to women until I allowed myself to have a crush on one, and it just felt right and wonderful in a way I never anticipated it would. When I look back now I had crushes on a couple of female friends when I was youngerwithout really acknowledging them; I never really thought about being in a relationship with them but I did envy the guys they dated -- at the time I convinced myself I was jealous because they had boyfriends/dates and not because I wished be those guys but I did often think I'd be a better boyfriend.
     
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  20. jjusa

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    I think aromantic fits me really well bc I don't have to put on a mask and act like someone else. I can just be me and not have to worry about how I feel about people or how they feel about me. I wouldn't even know how to act or be in a relationship. I can't even carry a conversation with another girl haha. If my feelings were to change then I would be kind of shocked, but that is a future problem haha.

    What does it mean to "allow yourself to have a crush on one [another girl]?" Is it just admitting to yourself that you have a crush? I've tried to imagine myself in a relationship, and it just brings up a lot of negative emotions. Then I start to overthink and feel anxious. I shouldn't have to overthink something that is supposed to come naturally to me. So maybe being in a relationship is unnatural because it's not meant for me, if that make sense.