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Husband in denial that I want to leave him

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by sunflower8, Sep 15, 2020.

  1. sunflower8

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    I came out to my heterosexual partner in June. It was a huge relief. He was very accepting and supportive.
    My backstory is that I was(?) a lesbian in HS and college but was never accepted by my parents. I felt like I had to follow the heteronormative lifestyle in order to one day have the family I wanted and please my parents. So, I started dating men, got married, and had 2 children all within 4 years. With the help of my therapist I am realizing why I have been so depressed...bc im a lesbian, duh.
    Anyway, I recently finally worked up the courage to tell my husband that I can no longer be with him in order to be truly happy and live authentically.
    Well, now he is insisting on us trying harder and he wants us to "work really hard" on our marriage,. He says, "he is only committed to me for the rest of his life." He thinks that if we work on our relationship that I will be able to connect with him during sex.
    I do not think he gets the whole picture. I told him that I would try AGAIN for us, which I am. However, I am feeling defeated. I have worked so hard on coming to this realization. I felt extremely confident and relieved when I told him that I do not want to be with him. I was so ready to move forward. I feel like I have worked so hard getting closer to my true self and now I am moving backward again.
    On top of this he is deployed so its hard to connect and make concrete decisions when he is across the world.
    Part of me does want to try for our family (kids) but deep down I know that I will never be truly happy with him because of many reasons, not just sexuality.
    Has anyone experienced this or have any insight??
     
  2. Omegduh

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    I can relate to your story. I dated a guy for 9 months last year and it was going down that path of possibly me marrying him and moving in with him. When we discussed me moving in with him, I felt dread inside and basically an alarm bell went off as to say "No!" I eventually broke up with him due to other reasons and the realization about my sexuality came afterwards. I too cannot truly be happy with a man due to sexuality and other reasons.
    And when it comes to you, you deserve to live your best and most authentic life. If you're not happy with him and because you're a lesbian, you have every right to divorce him. Do not force anything that's only going to hurt you in the long run. You don't need to try for a family with him if you know you're not going to be happy with him. It'll only make things more complicated. Please let yourself be the most authentic version you can be and if that means to divorce him, than do so. Allow yourself to be happy.
     
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  3. Chip

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    I think you hit the nail on the head. He wants to try again because he's in denial. He doesn't get that it simply isn't an option and you aren't going to magically become straight (or straight enough to be happy with him.)

    This is difficult, and that much more difficult when he's deployed and nowhere nearby where you can talk and discuss in person. Perhaps one option is to write a thoughtful email and gently explain that as much as you care about him and enjoy his company, you can't be attracted to *any* guy, and no amount of effort is going to change that because that's how you're wired; it would be no different than his trying to find a way to deeply connect sexually with a guy.

    It's heartbreaking, but there really doesn't sound like there's any other solution, and you have to do what's right for both of you. He's not going to be happy -- as much as he might think he would be -- if you aren't there emotionally, and can't get there.
     
  4. QuietPeace

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    I had a somewhat similar situation. With mine I had been put through conversion therapy to convince me to live as a man and I then married a woman from the same church. We both ended up miserable and it hurt the children also. I do not recommend pretending that you are someone you are not just to stay in a relationship which does not fit you.
     
  5. Tartanskrt

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    Firstly well done on telling him. I'm still trying to get the courage to tell mine. I'm sorry he wasn't accepting, that makes it hard. What I would say is it's obvious from how you write that you feel sure in your identity and let's face it same sex attraction isn't all about sex, maybe that's the part he doesn't get. Although I very much want to be with a woman sexually it's also an emotional thing, maybe trying to explain that to him would help in some way. Well done for being so brave.
     
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  6. sunflower8

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    Thank you for affirming responses. It is hard to wait but I am going to wait to tell him in person when he gets home in 2 months. I think he deserves that and I do not want him so emotionally upset while in a combat zone.

    I just know that in the end I would regret not leaving him more than I would ever regret leaving him.
     
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  7. Contented

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    I think it’s the right decision to wait until he returns. While serving his country and in harms way it would be cruel to burden him with such information under his present circumstances. I agree something life altering such as this needs to be face to face. However once he returns you need to have the difficult discussion that there is no trying harder to repair something that can’t be repaired. It simply doesn’t work that way. No amount of discussion , trying nor therapy will change the fact that your a lesbian. You owe it to yourself and your husband to allow both of your to live your lives without regret anger and unhappiness. You are doing the right thing.
     
  8. Fuzzy

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    He needs processing time as well as clear and consistent messages from you. My husband also wanted to work on things and didn't understand why we couldn't. We are divorced now.
     
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  9. skygenie

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    Very sorry you’re going through this, I think you did the right thing telling him though. But, his denial is not really your responsibility, you don’t to work on anything further, or try to convince him you really are a lesbian (It sounds like he doesn’t quite believe you). It may take time for him to process it, and him being deployed won’t make it any easier. But in the meantime, it is your decision what to do next,to move on now or wait for him, just trust your gut instinct, I am sure you will make the right choice.
     
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