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How to support my (27) bf (31) in coming out to his religious family

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by alex1170, Sep 11, 2018.

  1. alex1170

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    Hey EC,

    I've been dating my bf for about 6 months now, and everything has been going incredibly well. In fact, it has been going so well, that meeting him has given me the courage to come out to my Dad (Mom already knew), and all of my close friends that didn't already know. Everyone took it extreemly well (as I would have expected in hindsight), and I'm pretty sure I'm happier now than I ever have been. Also, about 2 months ago, my bf told me he would like to have me come visit his family when he flys back home to visit his sister, since she just had had a baby. He wasn't out to anyone in his family when he told me this, but he thought it seemed like a good bit of motivation for him and it would help give him a deadline. I decided to go ahead and book my flight at his suggestion, and trusted that he would do what he could to make sure things would work out alright.

    Well, it is now less than a week until we fly out, and he has only recently now told his sister and his Mom (the only immediate family members that will be there) about him liking guys, and about me specifically. He told his sister about a week ago, and I don't think she took it as well as he had hoped. I'm trying to be supportive, but at the same time not be too nosey about how everything is coming along. He doesn't seem to want to talk about it too much, so I've stopped bringing it up unless he seems receptive to talking about it. He did mention that she was worried about us showing PDA in front of her children and having to explain things to them, but I'm sure there are details I'm not aware of so I don't want to speculate too much. And as for his mom, he had been trying to reach her for the last few several days now but, they kept on missing each other on the phone. So today he finally decided to just text her about everything, and told her to call him later tonight when she was free. She said she would.

    I'm hoping things go better with his Mom than they did with his sister, but I'm worried that this is all going to be a bit too much for her to process in such a short amount of time before we fly out there to see them. He did tell his Mom in the text that we could stay at a hotel if that would make things less stressful for everyone, which I am completely fine with. As an aside, this whole thing hasn't taken a toll on our relationship at all, in fact we are doing better than ever. I'm just worried that he is maybe bottling some of his feeling up. He doesn't exactly wear his emotions on his sleve... but neither do I, so I can understand where he is coming from and don't want to pressure him into talking about something he isn't ready to talk about. However, in the offchance that his conversation with his Mom doesn't go well tonight, I want to be there for him. Guess I'm just not sure what the best way to do that would be... my gut just tells me to tell him I'm listening if he wants to talk, but no pressure if not. I'm also a bit concerned about the trip, and wondering if anyone has any suggestions for do's and dont's considering his Mom and sister just found out about all of this very recently.
     
  2. I'm gay

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    Alex,

    You are obviously a sympathetic and caring boyfriend. Based upon what you've written, I have no doubt that you're already doing the right things and will continue to do so even if it doesn't go well. I think you guys can tone down the PDA for your visit so everyone can be comfortable. The coming out process takes time for everyone, not just the person coming out. Parents, friends, family - everyone needs some time to adjust their thinking and come to terms with knowing about his sexuality, so coming out just prior to a visit may need a bit more understanding from both of you guys.
     
  3. alex1170

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    Thanks @I'm gay, Our typical PDA level is essnetially 0 unless we have been drinking some and are around our friends that know... Then it can bump up to maybe a 2/10 haha. We generally save anything like that for when we are alone. I'm pretty sure he did tell his sister she wouldn't have to worry about that too. I definitely agree that we both will need to understanding of where his family is coming from with anything they might say or do, and normally I'd agree that if we just give them time it will all work itself out alright. However, time isn't exactly on our side, since our flights are booked. Additionally, his Mom didn't even call last night like she texted that she would. That could mean she is taking time to process it first, which could be a good thing even. I guess we will see if he is able to find time to talk to her today. They are both pretty busy people during weekdays, so its definitely not a guaruntee. I think he might be a bit nervous to talk to her too, though he acts like he doesn't care. He definitely believes it shouldn't be a big deal, and while I do agree with him, I know how difficult it was for me to tell my folks. And I wasn't even worried they could possibly have a negative response. Lastly, and I'm not sure if this is relevant at all, but prior to coming out he had told his family that I was just his roommate. I ended up moving in with him not too long after we met (yeah I know, we moved really fast, but it just felt right). So, in his parents eyes, he has gone from dating girls all his life (30 years) to moving away to a much more liberal and gay-friendly area where he almost immediately started dating and living with a guy. They didn't even know he had stopped going to church... which is a big deal for most of his family from what I understand. The more I think about it, the more in shock I think they are in, but he seems to think everything is just fine (or at least that is the story he is portreying to me - quite successfully I might add, as I'm buying it). I'm trying to let him handle it, since it is his family. He knows them better than I do obviously. I just want to do my best to make sure things go as smoothly as possible.
     
  4. alex1170

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    Well, my bf told his Mom. After lots of talking on the phone with her and his sister, it sounds like they are still very uncomfortable with me coming and being around his sister's new children. My bf said we would get a hotel initially, but now seems to be leaning towards just wanting to call the whole thing off to give them more time to process things. They say they don't need to process anything anymore, and they just want him to come alone and stay with them at his sisters house. I think he is also partially afraid of some sort of intervention. He wants me to come with him if he goes. He thinks this whole things has been blown way out of proportion... but honestly I kind of expected something like this since he waited until a couple weeks before our trip there to tell his sister, and even longer to tell his Mom. After hearing some of the conversations, I think he might be stressing a little too much about it all, because things could have gone so much worse. I am trying to nudge him into going still, and I would just come along for support and get a hotel close-by. Then his family could see me as much or as little as they want, and I can just hang out at the hotel and get some work done if they just want him to go do something without me. I think humanizing me would help them realize that they are being a tad bit ignorant, but I also don't want to shove our relationship down their throat, especially since this trip is mostly supposed to be about his sisters new baby. Would really appreciate some second opinions from folks here though...
     
  5. I'm gay

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    I think you're right when you say this visit is supposed to be about his sister's baby. That's the problem with coming out coinciding with other big events - it's why you don't come out at Thanksgiving dinner or during dad's big birthday party. I think this should have been done either earlier or later.

    I'm not sure where you go from here, but it does complicate matters if you go too.
     
  6. alex1170

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    We ended up not going, neither of us. He hasn't heard from his Mom or his sister since telling them that. And I guess they told his other siblings too bc they both called my bf to talk this past week. One is understanding and accepting, whereas another said he still loves him but "can't support it". Regardless, he seems relieved and happy enough - so I think we are just going to give things time and let everyone process things.