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How to support a friend who seems to be 'clinging' to being a sexual assault victim?

Discussion in 'Family, Friends, and Relationships' started by Sek, May 15, 2016.

  1. Sek

    Sek
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    I have a friend who has a history of clinging onto ideas and not letting go of them, no matter how unhealthy they are. An example of this is that she took a year out of university being penniless and jobless thinking she would be able to travel as her older sisters has because she was desperate to be able to tell stories like they can. She has failed and is now in a bad place, still penniless and jobless and stuck at home doing not a lot.

    The latest thing she is clinging to, and I fear for the use of that phrase in this case, is being a sexual assault victim. Now I am treading carefully here because I know that I cannot label her experiences for her, and that if someone feels assaulted or betrayed it is their right to feel so. However I fear that she is framing herself as a victim and is making poor choices because of it.

    She went through a court case because she let a delivery man come into her house and he wanted to hug her which she allowed and he wouldn't let go, so she forced him off her and made him leave. He was found guilty for sexual assault.

    She joined a women's victim support group after this and I believe this has only made things worse for her. She is constantly living in this experience and is not moving forward. She seems to be making backward steps because she has been thinking about things that have happened years in the past and labelling them as sexual assault. She becomes obsessed with looking at other people's definitions of sexual assault and tries to frame an experience in it to see if she can then say 'I've been sexually assaulted'. There's something deep in her psyche that I sense is doing this not for its own sake but for a different purpose. I hope I am not being insensitive to sexual assault victims by saying that I think it could be boredom. I say this because she's depressed, unemployed, spends a lot of time in her house, regrets her recent life choices and is generally unhappy and perhaps doesn't want to completely accept that her unhappiness is because of her own choices - that someone or something else might have something to do with it.

    In my eyes she seems to be dragging more negative things into her life. The story she told me of this guy has changed since the other times I heard it and I question the sincerity of it. I'm obviously on her side and believe what she says but I can't help be sceptical.

    She wants to go and report it to the police (what she is saying happened happened years ago and there is no evidence that it even happened) and I worry that she is just inviting him and this sexual assault theme back into her life. I told her that I think she should speak to a professional psychotherapist to delve deep into her subconscious to figure out why she wants to do this, and more than anything I hope that they would be able to advise her truthfully on whether it's damaging or helpful to do this.

    I know that it's her life and her path and that some people will think "who are they to tell her what she can or can't do/feel?" but I am genuinely coming from a place of wanting to support her because she just doesn't seem to be moving forward. I supported her through the sexual assault court case and tried to coach her towards a healthier mind and outlook on it but it hasn't worked because she doesn't like to listen to what other people say. What she thinks is what she is going to think and nothing can change that.

    I fear that she's going to dig up a skeleton from her closet and regret it because going to the police about it will bring his attention back to her. But she is so stubborn and fixed on it that I literally have no idea what to do. I feel like I'm going to just have to stand back and potentially watch her suffer, which I wouldn't mind doing if I had faith in her ability to then go and grow from it, but I don't because looking at her past she doesn't grow -- she 'dwells'.

    Hence I am here looking for advice from anyone who might have a different perspective or any experience with a similar story to help me help her because I care about her.

    Thanks for your time.
     
  2. JonSomebody

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    Re: How to support a friend who seems to be 'clinging' to being a sexual assault vict

    Well..I myself was sexually assaulted victim whom was attacked by a close so called straight friend. For quite some time, I was in a really dark place after surviving this traumatic incident since it was life or death situation I was dealing with at that time. After going through all of the medical care that I've dealt with from all the physical abuse that I encountered, some of the end results were feeling like a victim and becoming a manic depressive individual. I even attempted suicide a couple of times. However, one day, I was on this bus on the way to a doctor's appointment and for some reason, I was the only passenger on the bus besides the driver. I sat in the back of the bus and was staring into oblivion while tears strolled down my face. All of a sudden, the driver stopped and pulled the bus over and came in the back of the bus and started talking to me. While crying hysterically, he just grabbed me and started talking to me while he was hugging for dear life. He told me that when I got on his bus, he looked at my face and could tell that I was suicidal. He then gave me a card with phone number of a therapist whom he was close to. He took my phone number so that he could drop by my place and check on me. He made sure that the therapist contacted me because he felt that I was not going to follow through. To make a long story short, this therapist was really nice and spent a lot of time with me. Her husband even took an interest in me whom by the way was a minister. Spending lots of time in therapy with her had given me support that I did not receive from family. I eventually got my few close friends involved since I had kept the incident a secret from them as well. Their support meant a lot also. Although I do suffer from social anxiety, but its a lot better than what it was when I started out. So...this is what helped me overcome from staying in the victim mode.