1. This site uses cookies. By continuing to use this site, you are agreeing to our use of cookies. Learn More.

How to resolve the fear

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by MistyMorn, Jun 14, 2021.

  1. MistyMorn

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Aug 8, 2019
    Messages:
    114
    Likes Received:
    47
    Location:
    US
    Gender:
    Female
    Gender Pronoun:
    She
    Sexual Orientation:
    Lesbian
    Out Status:
    A few people
    I hope this makes sense. Around the fear of coming out, is it something in your experience that you feel can be resolved with accepting yourself fully or do you feel it is something you actually need to do to resolve the fear?

    I'm doing a lot of healing work and self love and this is one area I have been stuck at most of my life and keep not dealing with. I have to deal with it
     
    Jo Hannah likes this.
  2. quebec

    Moderator Full Member

    Joined:
    Dec 25, 2014
    Messages:
    4,175
    Likes Received:
    2,348
    Location:
    U.S.
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Some people
    MistyMorn.....Tough question! :old_oops: I think that it depends a lot on the person. The first person you have to come out to is yourself. That can take a very long time. (42 years for me) :old_frown: Often that is the most difficult, fearful coming out you can have as that opens the flood gates to so many changes in a persons life. For some people, having accepted themselves and made it past that first experience, the rest is not a big problem. For others, facing the unknown that is the reaction of others when they find out that you aren't the straight person they thought you were is the most fearful. So I guess you have to do a very serious inventory of yourself to understand where you stand between those two outcomes. You speak of self-love. I think that is really great. :old_smile: Then more that you do love and accept yourself, that easier it will be to just say..."This is me and I am OK, I don't need to change for anyone else. What someone else thinks doesn't matter" I really hopes this helps... Don't forget that you are a part of our LGBTQIA+ Family and we do care! Please keep us updated on how this works out! :old_big_grin:
    .....David :gay_pride_flag:
     
  3. I'm gay

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Jun 27, 2016
    Messages:
    1,751
    Likes Received:
    809
    Location:
    United States
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    If I understand your question correctly, I would suggest that the fear of coming out itself will primarily be resolved by coming out. Other fears, such as fearing how people will perceive you, or fearing that your relationships will change, etc., are better resolved by your own self acceptance. If you are waiting until you no longer fear coming out before you actually come out, then you may be waiting forever. I'm not sure the anxiety and fear over the actual coming out can ever go away until you do it. It's like jumping off the high dive. Until you actually do it, it will be scary the first few times. After that you aren't as scared any more. It's like that.
     
    Jo Hannah, MikeL1962, quebec and 2 others like this.
  4. pozistani

    pozistani Guest

    I think there are a lot of fears all wrapped up in coming out: the fear of losing one's job or apartment is different from the fear of rejection from family and friends. All these are very real.

    Can't say that accepting myself fully ended such fears. For example, I'm very truthful with my medical providers that I have HIV and am gay. This has lead to some refusing to treat me. In that sense, all the total acceptance of myself doesn't affect the reactions of others, it only gives me the strength to endure.

    Maybe some need to be accepted by others to help build confidence in accepting oneself. This probably isn't ideal, but some are more social than others. My choice, once I accepted that I was gay, was to live the life I wanted and then let other people catch up with the truth when they were ready to accept and deal with it. This might not be ideal or work for anyone else, but it's how things went for me. However, I've never been particularly close with my family.
     
    MikeL1962 and MistyMorn like this.
  5. LostInDaydreams

    Moderator Full Member

    Joined:
    May 10, 2016
    Messages:
    4,300
    Likes Received:
    2,096
    Location:
    UK
    Gender:
    Female
    Gender Pronoun:
    She
    Sexual Orientation:
    Lesbian
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    Interesting question. I think it’s somewhat interlinked and that coming out can be part of the acceptance process. I’m not saying that you need to be out to absolutely everyone to be fully accepting of yourself, particularly if it’s not safe to do so or your preference is not to tell everyone. But, I don’t think it’s one or the other and it probably varies from person to person.

    I think it also partly depends on the person that you’re intending to tell. So, over time you might feel less fear with regards to telling work colleagues, for example, but the prospect of telling your parents can still feel as frightening as ever.
     
    Jo Hannah and MistyMorn like this.
  6. MistyMorn

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Aug 8, 2019
    Messages:
    114
    Likes Received:
    47
    Location:
    US
    Gender:
    Female
    Gender Pronoun:
    She
    Sexual Orientation:
    Lesbian
    Out Status:
    A few people
    Thank you for your support! Yes it's been a difficult journey to get this far. A lot of fear around so much of it all. I had a few starts and stops on the way. Even tried to force myself straight... Didn't work clearly lol. I don't know how soon I'll get to the point of being completely out, and that's really I think what I'm needing to discover within myself. That point of acceptance and being ok with being ok.
     
    Jo Hannah likes this.
  7. out2019

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Sep 1, 2018
    Messages:
    883
    Likes Received:
    737
    Location:
    us
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Straight
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    Hi
    I am pretty much where you are- not dealing with it most of my life.

    I obviously had a lot of denial and repression and rationalization about being gay. I spent most of my life in denial. When I came here and started posting it was a 'roller coaster' ride for awhile, but then I hit what some people call the 'pink cloud' - I started to feel really, really, really good about being gay! The more I accepted my feelings the more I wanted to be with a man, and the more I started to think about the future "Wouldn't it be nice to date' "wouldn't it be nice to have a romantic weekend away with a guy I loved".

    That creates a desire to move forward. Denial is just a holding pattern. Then I started to get the desire to tell someone. One reason, I think, is that it helps create that future. It also starts to feel like, deep inside, I am not authentic with people if I am not recognized that way. So there was a close friend I came out to - and she is now my closest friend because she's the only one I am authentic with in my 'old life'.

    Here is my plan, somewhat interrupted by Covid:

    1. First build a LGBTQ support/community- go to meetups, events groups, meet people. It's really easy to be gay. Doing this made me realize I felt perfectly normal and happy being gay. It was the fear of people in my 'old life' and that old, fake facade.
    2.That community will be your support - other wise, just coming out 'alone' to your existing social and family network could probably be overwhelming, and I think that's where most of the fear comes in.
     
    Jo Hannah, JCL140 and MistyMorn like this.
  8. Jo Hannah

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Apr 19, 2021
    Messages:
    71
    Likes Received:
    76
    Location:
    England
    Gender:
    Female
    Gender Pronoun:
    She
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    Thanks for posting, everyone’s replies above have helped me too.

    Love the openness of the EC community.

    Hope your doing ok Mistymorn:hugging:
     
    MistyMorn and out2019 like this.