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How to react to the "Are you gay?!" Question when your in the closet

Discussion in 'General Support and Advice' started by DanielSmith, Aug 15, 2014.

  1. DanielSmith

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    Hi all,
    I have told nobody but this forum that I am gay:dry:
    I really hate the question "are you gay?!"
    Because

    1.they say it like being gay makes you less of a person
    2.its wrong and disgusting and something to be ashamed about
    3.they are better for being straight

    Its usually the mean girls or the big bulky guys who think they are tuff

    I feel really offended and I don't often feel that
    I feel like saying yes I am gay and whats wrong with that?

    but no I just deny it

    Why do they want or need to know anyways?

    How do you react?
     
  2. Kj802

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    Hi,
    Firstly if your not ready to tell them, than just say 'no I am not gay' and If they are people you are not close to or don't have a connection to than, no they don't need to know.
    As for why they are asking, some people asked on the way you act, or are just curious. Maybe they see you look at a guy, the way they would look at a girl. I don't know you personally, so I don't know why.
    They don't need to know, it's up to you to come out when your ready to those you trust.
     
  3. Hyaline

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    I own it. If they ask, I figure they are asking because they are adult enough to accept the answer. If they are asking a person who is in fact gay, they might be gay themselves and/or notice some OGTs (Obvious gay traits)..

    Of course I am not 15....So, my place in life is different and your age group tends to be filled with more uneducated people who say stuff without thinking.

    If you don't feel comfortable, don't acknowledge it. If the person seems to ask in earnest, and you feel comfortable, then be honest with them.
     
  4. Argentwing

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    The only ways out of that one are the direct truth or a direct lie. And there is no shame in either one in this case.

    I feel sort of lucky here because I can answer "no" and not be lying o.0 but it does make the issue a little hard to talk about.
     
  5. TabletopFan

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    You should ask: "Why are you so interested? Are you gay? Or do you have the hots for me?"

    Or just ignore them seeing as they're just a bunch of jerks trying to get a rise out of ya.
     
  6. Dakeli27

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    Truth be told, I think saying no leads to misconceptions, even if it's technically accurate. I say brush it off one way or another if you aren't ready to admit it. Now, original poster, of it's the kind of person who you think will react in those three ways, say no (if you don't want to come out yet) and then ask them things like "but would you consider me to be less of a person if I were?". It also helps because it might help you unexpectedly find an ally.
     
  7. Argentwing

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    You've got a good point, but that's a pretty delicate speech skill. Unless you go the sarcastic way and say something like "Yeah I just love big chubs" hoping they laugh, any amount of skirting around the issue might cause some people to press a little further. By that point you either have to strongly deny it or the cat is out of the bag.

    ^^Once again having people know might not be that bad, but I'm assuming the OP's goal is to stay closeted.
     
  8. DanielSmith

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    Yes I am staying closeted.

    They arent asking out of interest, its so if I say yes they can ridicule me...

    Has this not happened to any of you?
     
  9. TabletopFan

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    Strangely no... but I guess I'm just lucky. But it sucks that you have to put up with that crap pal :/
     
  10. Chip

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    I think it's happened to everyone.

    The hitch is... there's really no other option other than blatantly lying and telling the truth. If you attempt to hedge, dodge, obfuscate, tap dance, or change the subject... it will generally be spotted in a nanosecond. Likewise, if you hesitate before answering, or answer *too* quickly, that too will be spotted.

    It's a tough place to be in, and the truth is, anyone with good gaydar can figure it out anyway regardless of what you say, so you're sort of damned if you do and damned if you don't.

    I totally get the difficult spot it puts you in. Kids can be really cruel, and when you're just coming to accept it, it isn't that easy, and it's a soft spot for someone who wants to hurt you. And I wish there were a better answer, but most of the time, the truth ends up being the best choice.
     
  11. TabletopFan

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    Did you even read my post? I didn't get any of that treatment at any point prior to me coming out :dry:

    Not every high school/college environment is filled with bigoted backward thinking yokels you know.

    But otherwise I agree with this post. Lie, lie, lie until you're ready to stop lying.
     
  12. Chip

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    Sorry, I didn't. I have multiple windows open at a time and sometimes there's a 10 or 15 minute gap between when I open the window and when I post the response. Your post was 7 minutes before mine, and the page was already loaded on my screen so I didn't see it.

    Yes, there are exceptions, but at least from what I've observed here on EC and among people I know (most of whom live in parts of the country you'd think are pretty enlightened), pretty much everybody has had issues. You're very lucky indeed if you never have.
     
  13. TabletopFan

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    Eh? Now I feel like a freaking dumbass now =_=

    The one who should be apologizing is me :eusa_doh:

    Anyway, sorry Chip :icon_redf
     
  14. ChromeNerd

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    "No, I am actually depressed."
     
  15. DanielSmith

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    Tabletop,

    Wow arent you lucky hahah NZ Must be a very accepting place:slight_smile:

    To be honest im not coming out until I go to uni
    Where i can meet some open minded people
    Where I livr most people are very narrow minded
     
  16. OGS

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    I know this isn't really what you are looking to hear but I always read these threads as sort of an odd indicator of how far we've come. I know it's sort of cold comfort but when I was growing up no body actually thought you might be gay--I mean they knew what it meant but it wasn't real. Like in high school someone might get called a faggot but it just sort of meant you were doing it wrong, it never really occurred to anyone that you might actually be gay. I guess the reason these threads make me think of that is that I'm 43, been out for over 20 years, and I have literally never been asked this question.
     
  17. AAASAS

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    People are asking you as an insult. This can never be a good situation. I used to get asked every once and a while in an almost insulting manner, so I would just deny it.

    Best thing you can do is realize some people are just shitty and get over it.

    It sucks you need to pick and choose who you hang out with, but that's the reality of being gay, and the sooner you get over it, the sooner you can have a happier life.

    It's not easy to do so, but the best thing you can do is just try and justify why they're asking, give them the benefit of the doubt, and realize that some people are just crap.
     
  18. Ivysaur

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    I understand. I'm not out, either, and just a little confused about it, too. I just sorta say "no" and leave the discussion.
     
  19. Formality

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    I got asked by this 6 foot 3 meathead guy once in my highschool and I said yes, but in an ironic manner, then I "threatened" to rape him in the butt. He never asked me again. :lol: It'd probably be best though to just say no or yes depending on wether you want them to know or not.
     
  20. One Man Army

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    Yes, as other people have said, it's best to just give a direct 'yes' or 'no' answer. Clever people will pick up on hesitation or a sarcastic answer, and they'll realise you're dodging the question. Sadly, you don't have any option other than to lie outright until you're ready to come out.

    I had to laugh at this :slight_smile: