I know living a lie and lying to everyone and feeling guilty my whole life is hell, but it's really dangerous to be out in a community that would kill for their name. the problem is, that I'm an obvious person, i don't know how to fake or lie about anything. and the only reason i didn't fall off the closet, is because i actually made myself believe a lie, with the help of pornography obviously, i lied to myself that i'm straight... it's a phase... it will disappear with hardwork and practice...etc. but now that i know the truth, i can't really function well in society, i feel like i'm alone in everything and that there's no point making or maintaining relationships with anyone, and when they discuss related topics, i can't hide my expressions, whether it's shame, or anger (homophobic) or guilt, it's just too hard, so far i'm struggling to make friends because they notice that i'm hiding something and eventually questions will build up and i will fall and be humiliated, so i'm trying to prevent that.
Hi! My family is very homophobic, so I at least partially understand the feeling of separation. If I came out to them, I'd lose all of my support (I'd get disowned and kicked out). I definitely understand the fear that comes with that. Fear is something I'm very familiar with. But, I have finally started coming out to my friends that I know I can trust. I figured that out by learning: whether they're part of the LGBTQ+ community (they understand what I'm going through and respect my privacy), they are allies (they support me) and if I know they can keep a secret (this is more to do with family members and friends-- I know that the family members I've told won't say anything to my parents because they won't break a promise). Maybe you could use some of these same guidelines to be able to figure out if they're trustworthy? Given, in a homophobic community, it'll be tougher but I'm sure there are some there, somewhere. Even in my majorly conservative town that I'm from, I knew some LGBT friends. I hope that you can find someone to come out to. The pressure of silence can be a heavy burden to bear.
I know that you don't really feel comfortable and that's fine. But, it'll build after a while. So, my advice is to bite the bullet and come out to someone you know you can trust. I don't really know how to NOT come out, because I'm sure I would have lost my mind if I didn't come out to someone.
Perhaps you can begin figuring out how you might leave where you live and move to a more progressive area. I don't know the difficulties or obstacles you would face in attempting to move elsewhere, but I agree that this will get more difficult in time.
