Quick intro: I recently came out to myself, few weeks back, I am feeling totally ok about it, not scared, not worried (or maybe a little bit worried but mostly about other people's reactions), but generally at peace with myself and who I am (finally). One thing that does scare me in part is this feeling of being too old for this, falling again in this teenage feeling of not knowing enough, being completely inexperienced and therefore vulnerable (does it make sense?). Me coming out was not related to meeting someone, it was more of a sudden realization that happened while listening to a coming out speech. So here I am with so many things to work out and all of the sudden I miss being able to call friends. I am not ready yet to tell anyone I know about this, just because I am trying to still figure things out for myself but it is hard to keep everything inside. This website and the response from people has been really great so far, but I do miss the chat with coffee, and sitting at a table and being able to have conversations that are live and not filtered by a phone or a screen. In my case specifically, I wonder how With COVID, it has become really hard to go out and meet people, but even without COVID I wouldn't know where to start. I was looking at dating apps but they all seem to work based on pictures, how can you really know someone from a pic only? And really, dating apps do not seem to work well when looking for friendship, and in my case I am more looking for a patient person that wouldn't mind walking me through doubts and questions while they pop up. As I am not ready to tell anyone in my circle, I do feel a bit lonely, and at the same time I am like a pressure cooker: so much piling up and no one I can share all this with. Anyone feeling this kind of craving for meeting new friends that are just friends so that you can figure out how to talk to your old friends? And how do you deal with this in this specific, crazy times? Thanks
I completely understand how you’re feeling. Two quick thoughts — remember to take a deep breath now and then; remember life is incremental, it’s one day at a time. It seems painfully slow at times, but when you look back, you realize just how quickly life does move.
I totally relate to what you're saying IneInLP. I have already come out to a lot of friends but am really craving an LGTBQ support structure in real life.
Yes, here on the later in life forum, some call it 'second adolescence'. Since we 'denied' our sexuality we never got experience dating, or just interacting with the LGBTQ community , we are like teenagers again! Some of us, like me, never allowed myself to imagine what it would be like to be romantically involved with a guy. Is there and LGBTQ center near you or some LGBTQ meetups? There are plenty of socialization groups like that near most major cities. If none is near - covid might be an advantage if there are online meetups. Yes! After years of denial we can feel this urge to reveal our true selves. Totally understand this. I am totally comfortable calling my LGBTQ center and saying I am gay and talking to someone. I have come out to one close friend but many- I really feel it will have to wait - I want to build a stronger LGBTQ community in real life first. One thing I realized, around other gay people I feel totally comfortable being gay.
Hi! Nice to meet you. I am 43, am in the exact same boat, although I came out to myself in the fall last year. I have the same worries as you, especially with respect to my age, and I too am not ready to come out to everyone. I am still in a relationship with a man, which makes it even harder because I know its not where I belong, but yet I dont know how or when to change it. Feeling stuck and lonely in my journey at the moment
You are so right...it is hard sometimes to take a break but so necessary, in my case I often need some time to order my thoughts so they don't come out all at the same time, making a total mess when I try to actually communicate something. I have the feeling that would be so much easier to come out to people that 1) have already been through this and 2) I do not know that well so I won't feel afraid of them thinking I somehow cheated on then for all these years (which is what I think some of my friends might think actually). It does feel a bit like it and I have to be honest, while I think adolescence is wonderful to an extent, it can also be really tough....so I am not sure I'd like to go through that again it is kind of comic to think of it. I will certainly have a deeper look at options locally, I am in a sort of big city but in a country that is not necessarily open / accepting of LGBTQ people. I have a couple of friends of friends who I know are gay but because they are friends of friends I am not sure how to approach them with such a delicate subject...thanks for the advice though, I will be looking at the options you suggest! Lavonne, very nice to meet you too. I totally get you and understand what you are going through and while I can't be of much help as I am pretty much at the same discovery stage as you are, I am around to read your messages and support you and your choices. I found this online community here on EC absolutely amazing, supportive, caring and totally non judgemental...while I was feeling like an alien, people on this site made me understand I was totally ok....and that's the first huge step towards acceptance and peace I think. Thank you all once again!
One other thing, I am glad you feel this way, but, maybe it's more than a 'little bit' I realized how intensely I feared, and still fear people's reactions. Better to fully acknowledge that I think and be ok with it. For years I let this obstacle stand in the way, now i am bypassing and I will deal with it later, when I am out to a community and people more open or people not used to 'the old me'. I will tell some close friends but trying to upend all your relationships might be cause some anxiety and 'freezing' behavior. Again, this was just my experience, yours might be different!
you are probably right, I didn't even stop to try and define this 'little bit' I am worried..I am probably just stalling because I don't want to think too much about this or about losing or being disappointed by people I loved most of my life. I will have to think more about how much worried I really am actually. Thanks so much for sharing, very important point!
I find it hard meeting friends too during the pandemic. Where can you go to meet people when everything is shutdown
Not sure it will be feasible at the moment but you could do some research to see if there are any LGBT groups in your area, perhaps some of them are having virtual meetups whist the restrictions are in place.
