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How to make friends not at uni

Discussion in 'General Support and Advice' started by Mihael, May 24, 2018.

  1. Mihael

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    Hi

    I would like to ask if you have any ideas how I can make friends if I can't make friends at my university, because I don't fit in with the crowd? People from my high school went study in many different places, so I am in the same city as one other person I liked. And she disappeared because she had much stuff to do. I have some extracurricular activities, like karate or Japanese but here aren't many people and it doesn't make us socialise together. I miss the days I lived on campus, but it was a bad idea what I studied back then and the university was too tough. But it's stupid, I can't learn so much, but I am so intellectually bored all the time and I don't click with people who do not also have passions. It's self-contradictory, but here we go.
     
  2. Destin

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    I don't know if Europe has the same thing, but in a lot of university areas in the U.S. there are 'towny bars' where only locals who actually live there are the customers for the most part. They're usually pretty secluded which is why university students haven't taken them over. You could try going to places only locals of the area usually go to to make friends who aren't university students.
     
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  3. sweetfemme90

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    I think I understand some of what you are talking about. Here is just my thoughts and suggestions on this issue. Take what you like and leave the rest.
    • Try some LGBT groups on campus or in the community. Not sure what you have for resources but most campuses in Canada have groups or organizations like the PFLAG. Sometimes non-students can join university clubs
    • If I may offer you wisdom, it is hard to walk into a group of people and make automatic friends. When I first started joining a group it took me a year to become comfortable with people. I knew my best pal for 2 years before we became friends, let alone best friends. If you are like me, friendships do not come easy to you and you hold high standards for friendships- which is great, except you need to give people a chance. I used to judge people very quickly but learned to stick with a group
    • Some people make better friends with people who have similar interests. I know some LGBT people who are not into groups and prefer to make friends based on activities rather than characteristics. That is super okay! If you like karate then maybe get together with some people from the group, be the first to extend the invitation.
    • More wisdom- you don't HAVE to only be pals with people you have things in common with. It's okay to have acquaintances- these are people you hang out with but aren't exactly pals. I have a great acquaintance, her and I go to movies, on hikes, walks on the beach, or go out to eat. I rarely tell her much about my private life, and she doesn't share my interests in politics, or taste in music. All of this is okay, it just beats the loneliness. So maybe a convenient friendship/acquaintance is something to try.
    • Volunteer somewhere that represents one of your passions. You mentioned you like karate, maybe volunteer to help a beginner class, you will get to meet some faces. I volunteered for a mental health organization and enjoyed spending my time with the people I volunteered with. Chances are you will be very engaged in the cause or place of your choice, and you will come to life. People may notice that about you and want to be pals.
     
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  4. Mihael

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    we don't really have LGBT groups over here :/

    Well, I don't have problems making friends, but if I were to estimate, lots of other people have this problem and it might be making things difficult.
    Yes, exactly , I'm not even looking for the best friend ever, just for company to hang out...
    But it just doesn't seem to work out. For some reason.

    Thanks about the volunteering idea! I like ot a lot!

    Thanks for replying :slight_smile:
     
  5. Kodo

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    I have a similar problem. It is already really difficult for me to connect with people - been that way since I was a kid. At university I made "friends" with the people I lived with on campus. But as soon as the school year ended they left me in the dust and we barely speak now. I feel the same. It is hard for me to befriend someone who isn't passionate about anything. Then again I've been told I'm a pretty intense person so...

    A lot of establishing friendship is based on being around a person a lot, and having things in common to bond over. Sometimes that takes being proactive and suggesting ways to hang out or be together, if you've found someone you're interested in.

    Things I try to do and have heard from others:
    -go to local bars or cafes, maybe on an event night
    -sometimes libraries have special themed events or activities every week/month
    -churches, if you are religious
    -paying to be a part of lessons in some skill (e.g. dance, martial arts, or any other art)

    Just broadcasting your interests can spark conversation too. Such as wearing themed clothes or carrying around instruments. The trick I think is not just to meet someone, but to keep in contact with them. This could be because you're doing the same things regularly or because you've arranged to do things together. Most of the time people don't want to spend tons of time with you if you've just met, so it's usually easier to go to events or be a part of clubs.
     
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  6. Shorthaul

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    Find a game store, we have one here that has open game nights. You can try out any of the board or card games they sell. Plus they do the standard Magic and Warhammer stuff too.

    I used to meet some friends once a week at a bar to shoot pool or play domino s, and I rarely had alcohol to drink. Another fun one was a pub had Buzztime Trivia, even if you aren't good at it, it is still fun.
     
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  7. Mihael

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    Exactly... what's up with these people? :O Or maybe that is called immaturity. I noticed plenty of people our age have this problem: immaturity aka lack of consequence.

    Yeah, hanging out with specific people. Big cities don't really perpetuate it. Everyone is always too busy and running somewhere. Pfff. Right... maybe this is what people hate about cities. In high school it was easier because there were more classes and less independent study, and there were the same classmates over years. Extracurriculars also had the same set of people all the time. From just a couple of schools. If they were not at school, of course.

    Thanks for ideas! Carrying around an instrument (and the similar) seems like a good option. I was never too... hmmm proactive about relationships with others, I guess. It's a good idea to change that. It seems like different interest events and cafes/bars are a repeating idea... I'll take it into consideration then.