How to know when to call time?

My wife and I are in the process of separating/divorce but it has nothing to do with sexuality. She's bi as well. We are taking things very slowly as there are extenuating circumstances. We are working on how to cohabitate as roomates and moving forward with seperate lives.

 

Congratulations on coming out to your wife, it is never easy. I think perhaps you need to just be open and honest with her that you are unhappy in the current situation. It is possible she also feels the same but either way long term it is unlikely to make either of you happy, however hard it might be to end it.

 

I thought I'd add that whatever life you choose there will always be a compromise. It's deciding which compromise you are prepared to accept that's the difficult bit.

 

Hi, im 55 and recently started accepting im gay but I havnt come out to my wife, I don't know if I ever will. It does seem though that many guys here who do come out to their wife are stuck in a limbo where after the initial coming out it never gets spoken about again and just hangs there forever. Other seem to move on, separate and divorce. Some make it work in a mixed orientation marriage but that seems rare. It must be a very difficult spot to be and I feel your pain.

 

It's definitely not about manning up. The fact you are finding it hard to have these conversations is testament to your personality and kindness. It is never easy. You will get there.

 

I’ve also been struggling with this kind of situation. We have brought up and discussed the subject once or maybe twice. But the discussion never goes anywhere. We talked about the possibility that my orientation may not be straight after all. I mentioned I may be bisexual. That’s why i would like to see more LGBTQ people and hang out with them. Actually so this happened before the conversation. I went on ahead and met some people and befriended them. She was furious when she found out. We had some heated arguments. She told me she does not condone those kind of friendships. Even though that’s what they were. Then there was trouble with the group I was seeing. I stopped seeing them. Long story. Then pandemic came. Basically, the only option was divorce and separation and I had a hard time accepting that for the sake of my child. I still think about how to make it work without hurting my family in the process. I couldn’t reach a solution so I resigned to the fact that I am what I am. Maybe things will change in the future.

 

Perhaps it would help if you were to decide what you want for yourself (e.g., an open marriage might be an option, or getting divorced another option), and then tell her as a way to start talking about this new reality.

 

But until you decide what you want, there really can't be much productive discussion, IMO. It sounds like you think that talking about it with her will make your choice clear for you. But because she's afraid that you're going to leave her, she's not really interested in what you want and is instead focused on what she wants. And I totally understand your having reservations about leaving your wife, so I'm not advocating for any particular decision. I just think you need to do your own work to make a decision, with or without a neutral third party such as a counselor.

 

Not a lot of people can agree to and work with an open marriage situation. I don’t think it can work for us either. The dilemma is how can you come up with a solution that would cause the least pain and turmoil? Or that all parties would be ok with? But maybe after several discussions of this nature with or with out a counselor or therapist. One can suggest a trial separation of some sort. Maybe this would give both sides a chance to work things through or reach a decision. Am just thinking out loud here.

 

Hi, my ex and I divorced several years ago, I was struggling in my marriage, wanting to say something and then decided not to, he's homophobic and wouldn't have handled it well, (we divorced for other reasons). He still doesn't know I am bisexual, but my kids do. I am glad you were able to have that first difficult conversation with your wife, as you decide what you want to do, talking about it will become easier even if the pain remains for a while.

 

Compromise is not a bad thing. Ignoring the issue and not communicating is. I am in a similar situation, early 50's, married, one child, though he is 23 and living on his own. Still supported somewhat by the bank of Dad, but doing it.

I think our success is counseling, love, AND a willingness to have it work. With all of that, we have a much better relationship than we have had in years. There was a period where right after I came out to her, everything seemed alright as long as the elephant in the room was kept behind the curtain. Like you, that made me VERY unhappy. Hell, I just got out of the damn closet. Going back in because it was uncomfortable for my wife was not an option. We talked, cried, learned new ways of accepting each other, and have come out the other end with a new way of life and marriage for us. We still see the counselor, we still have problems, but they are not insurmountable and neither of us in "unhappy".

What works for us will not work for all. Some, there is no way in hell it would work. Each marriage, like personalities, is different, but I believe regardless of how similar, or dissimilar, they are the common thing that makes them successful are the three c's; communication, compromise, and compassion. FYI compromise does not mean giving up all that makes you happy for the benefit of the other party.

With us, I will say she has compromised more, and I love her for that. She has become an Ally, I can be open talking with her about my bisexuality, I can have a FWB (which is tricky in that it can't be hidden and if she doesn't like him it is a no go). This is acceptable, because I do not desire a romantic relationship with a man. I want a buddy that I can talk to about guy and gay things, that we can scratch that itch that can not be scratched by the opposite sex. It really is complicated and we are still learning together, but that is part of what makes it work. We are learning TOGETHER and supporting each other.