1. This site uses cookies. By continuing to use this site, you are agreeing to our use of cookies. Learn More.

How to help my husband come out to me

Discussion in 'Family, Friends, and Relationships' started by lke, Jan 28, 2021.

  1. lke

    lke
    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Jan 25, 2021
    Messages:
    3
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    PA
    Gender:
    Female (trans*)
    Gender Pronoun:
    She
    Sexual Orientation:
    Straight
    Out Status:
    Some people
    Hi. I recently discovered my husband on gay hook up chat room sites. I have not said anything to him yet. Its been about a month. I have felt more at ease to open up to him about my transgender feelings. I love to watch male gay porn and fantasize about being a man having sex with another man. He was of course very open to my trans feelings. He quickly bought me a array of penises and strap on gear. He says he is bi when he is on the gay sites. How do I get him to open up to me? How can I know if he is bi and not gay? We have been together for 17 years(no kids). He has always had anger problems and I have felt like he resents me. He is giving in bed...but we both struggle with intimacy.
     
  2. resu

    Advisor Full Member

    Joined:
    Jun 23, 2013
    Messages:
    4,968
    Likes Received:
    395
    Location:
    Oklahoma City
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Some people
    You could discuss more about your own feelings and thoughts, so that he feels more comfortable to discuss his feelings. Normally I would say to never push someone out of the closet, but since you're married, you could ask if he's thought about sexuality before. Ultimately, he has to decide how to define himself before he can tell others, which takes time.
     
    BradThePug likes this.
  3. QuietPeace

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Aug 12, 2020
    Messages:
    1,706
    Likes Received:
    1,154
    Location:
    Northern Europe
    Gender:
    Female
    Gender Pronoun:
    She
    Sexual Orientation:
    Other
    Out Status:
    A few people
    One possible way of approaching the subject is to do so in talking about his acceptance of your identity. If you do transition to male then he is going to be married to a man and so if he were straight then he should not be attracted to you anymore. By trying to talk to him about it this way you are making it about your issue and your part in the relationship.
     
  4. lke

    lke
    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Jan 25, 2021
    Messages:
    3
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    PA
    Gender:
    Female (trans*)
    Gender Pronoun:
    She
    Sexual Orientation:
    Straight
    Out Status:
    Some people
    Thank you so much or your replies, I am starting to push him a little on his preferences. I think he has a lot of shame and I feel so bad for him. I wish he could feel like he can trust me. After all this time being together. It's really sad. I'll keep you posted on how it is going.

    thanks:slight_smile:
     
  5. lke

    lke
    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Jan 25, 2021
    Messages:
    3
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    PA
    Gender:
    Female (trans*)
    Gender Pronoun:
    She
    Sexual Orientation:
    Straight
    Out Status:
    Some people
    I feel like I am coming off as too understanding about what I have discovered about my husband. While I do feel for him, I am very angry at the same time. I cried for days and will still well up when I think about the lying. I feel like I have had years of my life taken from me. I'm also concerned the longer I wait for him to tell me the more I build up my anger and resentment. I'm afraid we will have a fight about something else and I'm going to just explode on him. I really do feel bad for him what what about me?

    thanks.