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How to get rid of a crush?

Discussion in 'General Support and Advice' started by Ngale, Apr 6, 2021.

  1. Ngale

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    I have found my self in a situation that would suit for a soap opera and am in need of advice or ideas or anything...

    So I am bi, married with two kids. We have been together for 13 years with my husband, 8 of them married. I had just realised that I am bi when I started relationship with my husband-to-be. I told about my sexuality to him quite early on in our relationship.

    During our years together I have had several crushes to females, but those have passed as I have chose not to pursue the feelings. Past few years it has come more and more obvious that we have grown a part with my husband. Our relationship has been good, but has never quite felt right. But I haven't been in a rush to make any decision about our marriage.

    About two years ago I got a quainted with a female, who is living in a marriage with her wife. They have kids as well, same age as ours. So first we met with kids. Later on we started to go on for walks once a week together (without the kids). I have gotten to know her better and better and suddenly a few months ago I realised that I have a huge crush on her. They have difficulties on their marriage as well and we have talked a lot about these things too. But she is bi as well and is now trying to find out whether she sould explore relationship with a man if they divorce with her wife.

    I have come to conclusion that my marriage with my husband is at it's end and reacently we talked about it. But this crush I have on my friend is messing my head. I really need to get over it somehow. To end the friendship or even taking a longer brake from seeing her isn't an option at the moment, as I am not willing to disappear from her life. She has had too many bad experiences with friends disappearing from her life. And I don't want to hurt her like that. And of course she has become very important to me. But how on earth I get this crush of mine to fade away when I am seeing her once a week? Do I just have to endure this torment and hope it will pass with time? Any tips for me?
     
  2. Comrade

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    Try marriage counseling.
    I'm sorry if my advice isn't much, because I am 16 (too young to marry) and gay (so I don't have crushes on women).
     
  3. QuietPeace

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    I think that part of the issue is that both of you are in relationships that you think should be over. Because of this there is the easy fantasy that you could both leave your current relationships and then get together. It will not be easy for you to get over this feeling but here are some things to consider

    • She has already stated that if she gets out of her current relationship that she thinks she might want to try with a man, you are not a man.
    • After leaving a long term relationship it is recommended that you take time to recover before dating or trying another relationship. After 13 years you should be single for more than a year before trying again otherwise it will just be a rebound and is almost certain to fail.
    • Even though you are friends and things between you seem nice now that does not mean that a relationship would work. At this point you only have fantasies about what a relationship with a woman would be like.
    • Any relationship that you get into is going to be made more difficult by the fact that you will be coparenting with your by then exhusband.
    • Even if you do decide that a relationship with her is not going to work (at least for now) the feelings are going to stay. You will need to keep them to yourself. If you try to share it that will make things awkward and might lead to problems.
    • Time changes things. The feelings will pass, that is the nature of feelings. Maybe in the future you will both be available and both have feelings but you should not depend on that. (I had a crush on a friend a couple of years ago and it did not work out but we are still friends, though it did get awkward for a while)
    I am sorry that you are going through this. I hope that some day you do find the right person to be in a relationship with.
     
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  4. Ngale

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    You are absolutely right about the fact that I have only fantasies about a relationship with woman. Maybe my situation would be easier if I did have experience of a relationship with woman.

    I agree that I have to keep these feelings and thoughts to myself, I don't want to lose our friendship so I won't take any risks.

    @QuietPeace your list is crushing but true. I know all these things and I just would like to tell my brain to stop this idiocy and get over with it. But every time I see her I find something new that I admire about her.

    Ugh. I just have to endure this and wait for the feelings to fade.
     
  5. dirtyshirt84

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    I’ve been in a kind of similar situation, so I know how hard it can be! Is there any possibility your friend reciprocates your feelings? Do you think she has any idea how you feel?

    I don’t think it really matters that you haven’t been in a relationship with a woman, a relationship is a relationship, regardless of the persons sex.

    However, obviously you are both already in relationships and have kids and would need to deal with the fallout from those relationships ending. It could get messy and risk your friendship.

    Sorry you are going through this, I hope it gets easier!
     
  6. Comrade

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    Unfortunately, these feelings can not just fade.
     
  7. LostInDaydreams

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    Not immediately, but with time and effort to focus on other things, crushes do pass.
     
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  8. Ngale

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    There have been situations where I have been wondering if she feels something similar, mainly because of something she has said. But I can also interpret things way off because of my own fantasies. And I dare not to think about it as a possibility, because if those fantasies would come true it would probably be messy and difficult because of our marriages/divorces.

    I really hope that she doesn't have a clue of my feelings because I fear that it would be too akward and she would end or at least pause our friendship. I don't want to lose her from my life

    I agree and I have experience about it as well. Earlier it has been easier to get pass the crush because I have been able to avoid the person.