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How to get over performance anxiety?

Discussion in 'Chit Chat' started by confuseduser99, Jan 21, 2015.

  1. confuseduser99

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    I've been faced with the problem of performance anxiety twice now (they were both within 24 hours of each other). I really hate the fact that I can't "get it up" so to speak, when my partner can very easily do so. I don't feel like I'm enjoying our intimate times together. I feel as if I overthink things. "What should be my next move? Should I be more dominant in making out, or should he? What if I can't get it up?" etc.

    How do I overcome this adversity?
     
  2. Mero

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    Do anything that's erotic for you, like ANYTHING.
    I don't really know but Viagra? Does that really work?
    I wouldn't recommend drugs though.
    So try out some more kinky stuff.
    But sometimes, why don't you just cuddle it out or something.
    I mean this would occur sometime in the future if you're looking long term.
    But yeah I'm no expert.
     
  3. Austin

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    I think a lot of performance anxiety is anxiety about anxiety. You have to be confident and not worry about it! Try not to think about it. If you can't get hard... So what?! What's the worst that will happen? You can't cum? You can probably still get the other person off. :wink: It may help to tell the person, if you feel comfortable, so you don't have to worry... also if you don't jerk off for a few days or make sure you're extra horny you won't have to worry so much.... It'll be easier to get it up.
     
  4. biguy8

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    Enhancement rings do wonders down there. :wink:
     
  5. PatrickUK

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    When you are anxious, your thoughts are immersed in worry about future events, often to a catastrophic degree. So when it comes to performance anxiety your mind is focused on an inner voice that presents you with questions like: "what if I don't get hard?"... "what if my partner thinks I'm not interested?"... "how can I deal with this?"... "is there something wrong with me?". All of these thoughts are distractions from the erotic and sexual thoughts that should be present in your mind during those moments with your partner and the more they are present the worse it will become. You have it within you to switch off those distracting thoughts - you just need to have confidence and learn to value and respect yourself.

    Whilst it's true that some guys get hard at the mere thought of sex, others need stimulating to erection. If you need stimulation, that's no bad thing and it doesn't mean your equipment is malfunctioning either. So get your partner involved and enjoy the experience; while he is stimulating you, focus entirely on the pleasure you are receiving from it. Instead of getting all absorbed in negative questioning, you can concentrate on the way he is touching and feeling you, the way he is kissing and caressing you and how good it is. Then you can allow your mind to wander towards thoughts of what you want to do with him, or he with you.

    You don't need to compare yourself or measure your performance against some false standard. Your sexual prowess is not determined by how or when you get hard.
     
  6. Filip

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    The core of the matter is that sex isn't a performance. you're already barenaked in bed with another guy. What happens in bed is the victory lap :stuck_out_tongue_closed_eyes:

    So, as Patrick already said: don't feel too worried about what's going to happen or about what you should do. You're not trying to enact the perfect scenario. There is nothing you should or should not do, except having fun. don't focus on things like getting hard or getting a mind-blowing orgasm. If you're thinking of things, it should essentially be:
    - Is what he's doing to me pleasant?
    - If yes: tell him to continue doing so
    - If no: tell him where his attention is better focused.

    And similar, don't focus on impressing your partner. If he looks like he's enjoying himself, don't second-guess it. Just keep doing what you're doing.


    Also, something that hasn't been specifically mentioned uptrhead: Sex is about communication. So talk. Lots. Before, during, after. "You like it when I put my hand there?", "Keep doing that, please", "I always wondred what it would be like to try X..."
    The point being to continually give each other pointers what works and what doesn't.

    And same goes outside of sex. The morning after, over breakfast, if something comes up that I didn't say during, I just bring it up.
    Hell, occasionally the post-game-discussion takes longer than the game itself. Sometimes we decide to immediately apply the learnings from the discussion :stuck_out_tongue_closed_eyes:

    So: your BF is right there to discuss this with! Just talk about it with an eye for optimisation. And never apologise. You can't do anything wrong. Instead; you can only try to take what works and make it better!
     
  7. confuseduser99

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    You're all right! I'm such an anxious person in general, that it tends to get the best of me. Unfortunately, my anxiety has even spilled into my love life. I hope I can learn to just let go, live in the moment, and enjoy my partner.

    I also think communication is key. I need to learn to be more confident in myself, and be more comfortable talking about what I like and what I don't like. For a communication studies guy, I sure am terrible at communicating things in my personal life...

    Ugh, I just want to be able to be "normal", and just feel (like a regular human being). I sometimes feel like a robot, incapable of feelings.

    Also, this is my first BF, and the first person I've ever been intimate with (we haven't gone "all the way", and we've agreed not too immediately - which I'm actually kinda happy about, because I don't think I'm ready).

    This may seem like a stupid, juvenile question, but is any of this normal? I NEVER thought I'd be the one to suffer with performance anxiety. And to be honest, it's eaten up a lot of my libido (I haven't really felt horny lately).

    One more thing. Something that makes me feel like I'm not crazy. Whenever I do make out/do things with my BF, I do, erm... "get wet" down there (precum). So I guess that's a sign that I'm not broken, right?
     
  8. Austin

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    I'm not a doctor but I would say it is normal. I mean, it's so common that they have a name for it. Lots of people get it. And it sounds like it's most likely anxiety related and not an innate physiological problem. While anxiety is technically a physiological problem (ever human process is), you know what I mean. You can overcome your anxiety and it will likely go away. While anxiety isn't usually easy to overcome (oh god it's not), it's nice to know it is a problem you can often fix with work, and that no, you're not broken "down there."
     
  9. Filip

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    Honestly... this is actually what human beings feel a lot of the time too. Emotionaxs are just tricky things like that. Source: I am a robot human being :stuck_out_tongue_closed_eyes:

    And it's absolutely normal. Sex isn't like a porn movie for any of us. Not even for those who star in porn movies for a living.

    Sometimes it goes smoothly from one thing to another, but far more often you end up fumbling around. Things you thought would be totally hot end up being boring or not much fun at all or more difficult than they're worth. Sometimes you discover that something you never tought of before is totallly driving you wild in the bedroom. And sometimes halfway through, one of you says something funny and you collapse in stitches for a solid five minutes trying to catch your breath again.

    And I'm fairly sure that being good in bed is not about eliminating those non-porn-movie moments, but about taking them and rolling with them and making them fun in their own right.

    On your final point: I'm sure you aren't broken.
    But maybe those moments are a good starting point! Maybe you could try starting off fully clothed and kissing, and rubbing each other hrough the clothes.
    Take things slow one step at a time. don't just go from "ok, that's it for the kissing, now on to being completely naked and touching each others junk.!" There's a comfortable time to be had in between those steps!

    And, as I always reiterate: communicate. your most erogenous zone is in between your ears, and a simple "oh yeah, that is so good" can do more wonders than all of the technique in the world combined.
     
  10. confuseduser99

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    Thanks for the answers here.

    Another question. I'm not sure if this is normal or not, and what it means.

    After I make out with my BF and get to the touching (and in the last time, the masturbation... I never got off or got hard, but he did both), I get really hot. I feel dehydrated almost... Thirsty, a dry mouth, and really hot. The last time, I felt not faint, but as if my hearing sorta went away (not fully). Kind of like that feeling after stepping out of a jacuzzi after being in there for too long.

    Is that in any way normal? Should I be concerned? Should I read into it as meaning anything?

    This is so embarrassing... Being so inexperienced at 21, and on top of that, having performance anxiety. I really hope that I don't have E.D.
     
  11. resu

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    I thought you were talking about speaking performance. #virginproblems
     
  12. confuseduser99

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    Oh, no. I'm more than comfortable w/ speaking (trust me, if I told you about my previous jobs...).

    Yeah, #virginproblems to the max here!
     
  13. crazycat

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    I don't know exactly what kind of performance you are doing, whether it's a class project or a meeting at work or what, but I have some of the same issues. Here's how I cope:

    1) I remember what my dad said when I was about to host my first con panel "Don't be nervous. You think any of these people here for the panel are nervous? No, they're all here to have fun, they don't care if you mess up or anything, they just want to have a good time."

    2) I remember something I read once saying that when you do something a little embarrassing like trip over your tongue or if you're a little clumsy people like you a little better because it reminds them of themselves.

    3) I remember that even if I mess up, I just have to pretend like nothing happened and move on. Chances are, no one but me noticed.

    4) If I feel really anxious, just try to remember that it'll be over soon, and to not let anyone know how anxious you are.

    These don't always work of course, and they might not work for you, but you could give them a try.
     
  14. Filip

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    I don't think it's all that embarrassing, really. Neither the anxiety, nor the inexperience. Hell, I was 29 before I even held hands with a guy, so you have a good 8 years on me :stuck_out_tongue_closed_eyes:
    And while I don't think that one needs to be anxious (sex should be fun, not about proving something), most of us spent years wondering what it'd be like, so it's only natural to be nervous when it happens.


    On the topic of exhaustion: I'm not a doctor. You might want to clear this with one who has professional training in this sort of stuff.

    On the other hand, I don't think it sounds all that weird either. During sex, you tend to breathe a bit faster, so this might end up making you a bit thirsty. Your heart rate increases, so you might be a bit light-headed. It's not unlike sports in that way (or a jacuzzi, as you said). It's not unusual to have to lie still for a few minutes afterwards to catch your breath (at least I hope so. Othewise I'm doing something wrong myself :stuck_out_tongue_closed_eyes:). Whether you got off or not has relatively little to do with it, it seems to be more a result of the excitement and the crawling around with your skin exposed.