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How to fix it?

Discussion in 'General Support and Advice' started by tidalpool127, Oct 25, 2021.

  1. tidalpool127

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    If you have something about you that is abnormal(not orientation) that is tearing apart your marriage and ruining your life, how do you fix it? My therapist and several websites and people on here have all told me that I cannot change this thing about myself but I cannot accept that. I am tired of being a problem. This problem with me isn't my identity, just something went a little wrong in my head when I was a kid. I just want to fix it. I know if I can fix it everything will be alright.
     
  2. FireFox

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    Could it be worth getting a second opinion and go from there?
     
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  3. tidalpool127

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    Maybe-I don't know. I know I'm disgusting, that I'm a freak. I know I should just be a man and not want to crossdress. I know that it repulses my loved ones. I don't know why something broke in my head when I was a boy, I don't remember being touched or nothing. I just want to be fixed. I'm trying but not hard enough. If I try hard and do what I'm supposed to do and behave like I'm supposed to behave, then they will love me right? I'm sorry, this isn't y'all's problem and who wants to hear me whine? I just have to push this down real, real deep and everything will be okay. Nobody will be disgusted anymore and I can be okay to love again. Everything's gonna be okay. Sorry for ranting and taking up everybody's time. I know what I have to do.
     
  4. FireFox

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    Well I think a few things need to be addressed off the bat.

    1. You're not disgusting
    2. You're not a freak
    3. If you want to crossdress then you should go ahead and do what makes you happy, if your loved ones don't want to or can't understand then in my opinion they are the ones who need to be fixed. At the end of the day they don't need to like the fact that you crossdress but in my opinion they are required to support you in any endeavour that makes you happy. It isn't hurting them.

    If you want to wear womens clothes then you wear those bitches with pride and be who you want to be :kissing_heart:
     
  5. tidalpool127

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    It's okay, thank you for your kind words but I got to do what I have to do. I understand why like all of me is too hard to love. I just have to keep some things tucked away, I'll survive. I can't be so selfish to the people around me.
     
  6. FireFox

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    Do what you feel is right but if you need to chat then you know where we all are
     
  7. tidalpool127

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    Thank you, Firefox, you're very kind. I'm just going through it and don't really have anyone in-person to talk to. I just want everything to be smooth sailing, but I seem to cause a lot of trouble. Like I said, perhaps I an being too selfish.
     
  8. FireFox

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    What you're wanting is to live how you want to live, you're not hurting anyone and also not being a burden. I can't see anything that could be considered selfishness with what you've said, if people can't see it then it maybe time to think about a change of course with the people you know. I'm not saying to do anything drastic but what I would say is that I think you need to think of some ideas and create some plans even if you never carry them out, at the very least you have a hypothetical plan of what you could do.

    If the time ever came for you to move on and leave, at least you'd have a plan ready to go instead of thinking 'ugh shit, now what do I do'. Also to add to that I would have a seperate savings account to start squirreling away a few bucks here and there.
     
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  9. Chip

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    There's nothing remotely wrong with being a guy and wanting to crossdress. What makes you think otherwise?
     
  10. tidalpool127

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    I don't really feel like there is anything wrong with it but if it is a hard boundary for everyone I love then I don't want to do it anymore. I just wish these feelings, these urges about wearing things like that would stop. I don't know why I started doing it as a kid in the first place. I mean I'm not the butchest thing on the planet but I don't really see myself as feminine.
     
  11. Chip

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    What do you mean it's a "hard boundary"? I mean, not to be a dick, but this is your life and your self-expression. If you want to dye your hair bright pink... if you want to wear a 3 piece suit everywhere you go... if you want to become a Sikh and wear your hair bound in a turban, all of those are things that are a part of expression that is you, and that, presumably, you enjoy doing... otherwise you wouldn't do them.

    If people judge you because they don't like what you are doing, that's on them. It means that they don't love you unconditionally; they're telling you that they love you, but only if you conform to their particular standards of how you should behave. And that, frankly, is bullshit.

    People like that are judgmental assholes. If someone is genuinely saying "I love you, but I won't love you if you continue to cross dress" and no harm is coming to you as a result, then, quite honestly, fuck them. They have absolutely no business telling you what and how you can dress.

    I'm personally not into crossdressing at all for myself, but if someone told me that they had a "hard boundary" that I couldn't cross dress... I'd be going right down to the local gay club and signing up for amateur night for drag queens, and you can bet your ass that I'd be out there in the most outlandish crossdressed outfit I can find. Nobody should have the right to determine anyone else's behavior, where said behavior has no harm or cost. And I'm very hard pressed to find anything remotely wrong with crossdressing.
     
    #11 Chip, Oct 26, 2021
    Last edited: Oct 26, 2021
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  12. tidalpool127

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    @Chip, I know I should be strong enough to do something like that, but I still love him. He does so much for me, he's got to love me. I get that he isn't attracted to femme things, I get it. But it's not like I want to be outwardly femme, I look too masc naturally for that anyway. It's just my underwear, something went off in my head as a kid and I like to wear feminine underwear, I don't know why. It just feels more correct for me. But I don't think I'm female. I know I'm difficult to live with, something's wrong with my emotions. I'm too sensitive, I cry too much. I'm too up and down. I know that is a lot for anyone and I'm in therapy, I'm trying to work on it. I don't want to make him seem mean or an asshole, he's very sweet to me. I know he loves me so much but this issue has really come between us. We all say hurtful things sometimes we don't really mean, but I don't like how my manhood is constantly called into question. Everyone says I'm so emotional it's like I'm a woman. My mom telling me I better not become a woman when I came out as gay, what?? Always telling me to stop being like a girl growing up. I'm a man though, I don't think I'm a woman. The underwear though...I know I'm not supposed to want to wear it, I'm not trans or anything. But I have these...feelings. Why? Why won't they go away? It's ruining everything.
     
  13. Chip

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    What I keep coming back to is... this is something you enjoy. It's part of you. It makes you happy. There is absolutely no reason to change it.

    What's ruining everything is not that you have these feelings. That's totally normal. What's ruining things is that your boyfriend is an inconsiderate asshole who is conditional in his love for you, is trying to control your behavior, and cannot love you exactly as you are. That isn't real love.

    Real love doesn't have conditions on what clothes the other person wears. Not to be a dick here, but you say that "he loves you so much" but... unfortunately, that isn't true. Brené Brown says that the people who are our fiercest friends/defenders/supporters are the ones who love us not in spite of our imperfections, but because of them. It sounds like, in your case, your self-esteem isn't strong enough for you to simply ask for what you need. And that's definitely something you should be working on in therapy.

    This is his problem, not yours. And I can guarantee you that it won't be the only time he'll have a "hard boundary." It's a control issue, and instead of your being able to say "No, sorry, this is who I am, take it or leave it," you are letting him dictate your happiness. That isn't OK. If you give in on this, I absolutely guarantee there will be another such "hard boundary" later on. People like that thrive off of the control.
     
    #13 Chip, Oct 27, 2021
    Last edited: Oct 27, 2021
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  14. tidalpool127

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    Hey @Chip, no I don't think your a dick and I don't think he's an asshole. Everybody has something that's a deal breaker. I'm no saint either, I can be manipulative and passive-aggresive too. Maybe I'm just feeling a bit bitter right now, but unconditional love? Only dogs give you that. Everyone else has terms and conditions. Maybe we're not the perfect Disney couple, but does that even exist? I've loved him and only him for so long, I don't think I could feel this way about anyone else. I don't want to, at least. I'm not saying your wrong, I know you are right in some of what you said. I think he's afraid I'll want to become super femme or something. I can't seem to reassure him that I just like certain underwear.
     
  15. SilentM

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    I think cross-dessing is actually pretty common in men for variety of reasons and I don't see how could it be harmful.
     
  16. Chip

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    So, basically, there's nothing more I can tell you. Your behavior is normal. There is absolutely no reason to change it. It is utterly and completely unreasonable for your boyfriend to ask you to give up something you enjoy that has no impact on him.

    And actually... no, dogs are not the only source of unconditional love. Most people who are in genuine, healthy relationships share unconditional love with one another. This guy's love is conditioned, and the piece I want you to understand is that if you give on this... I can absolutely guarantee that some other form of control will pop up. That's pretty much a given with folks with control issues, as this guy obviously has.

    Now... that may work for you. Usually the only folks who put up with crap like that are people whose self-esteem is in the shitter. If that's you, then I'd suggest putting some energy into that, because you absolutely deserve better. I can tell you that I would be gone in a heartbeat if I had a partner who could not accept and love me as I am. People deserve to be loved, accepted, and appreciated for who they are, not who someone else wants them to be.

    Now... if you want to stay in a relationship with someone who puts conditions on his love, that's your choice... but as I said, it's fucked up, and if it were me, I'd never put up with it.
     
    #16 Chip, Oct 28, 2021
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  17. Rayland

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    I have something that is quite abnormal about me and people even find it ridiculous or that it is a way to gain attention, at least this is what half of the social media comments say about trans people here. People tell be your true self, but if I try to be my true self, then people wouldn't like it or would be mean about it. I cannot change my true self. I can only continue being in the closet and suffer because of it, because I hear everyday how abnormal it is and it's scary.

    How do you fix it? You wear what you want to wear with pride. There is nothing to fix. It's your hobby (if it's okay to call it like that) and there is nothing wrong with people having hobbies and having them don't mean they turn into a women or men, if their hobby is wearing female clothes or male clothes (I wish it was like that) or turn into artist, if their hobby is painting. You can tell him all that and maybe this helps you to reassure him.

    It can even open new doors for him as well. You are as normal as I am and others are and don't let anyone say you otherwise.
     
    #17 Rayland, Oct 28, 2021
    Last edited: Oct 28, 2021
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