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How to feel Ok?

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by Rupert30, Apr 7, 2020.

  1. Rupert30

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    So here's the thing. This is gonna be a lot of info and possibly TMI. I believe I am bisexual or possibly even gay, but am just extremely uncomfortable with the gay side. I'm truly done worrying about sexuality shit, its become just - I can't do it anymore. Yes I understand CoVid-19 is happening - but this is still my primary focus or the thing that causes me the most anxiety. Thoughts like "Oh you can't do that because you don't know your sexuality" "You'll be alone forever because you can't figure out your sexuality" "You're not like them because you trip about your sexuality constantly" all the fuckin time. I'm over it. I'm over the anxiety and the shame feeling or depression or whatever the fuck it is. Here are the facts - I think I orgasm better when watching porn where a girl is blowing a dude - such as glory hole porn, while she is masturbating herself. I feel a slight discomfort and fear when watching this type of porn - because I have the sensation that I am the one in the girls position doing the dicksucking - I sometimes avoid this type of porn because I wonder what it means that I get off to it and sometimes spiral afterwards. I have tested it against lesbian porn - and I believe I have a better orgasm with this type of porn than lesbian porn but I don't know if that is because of heightened fear and the fact that I have watched a tremendous amount of lesbian porn or what. I have tried to watch gay porn but I can't get it to do it for me for some reason and feel like I might have fucked my sexuality up to the point that I could be trans or something now - although there have been a few times in my life (probably around 10) that I actually was able to get off to gay porn and it was satisfying and a similar feeling. I sometimes get an uncomfortable feeling in my mouth and it's like a craving to suck a dick or something but it isn't a pleasant thought or sensation - feels compulsive - to relieve anxiety. I don't have much desire to eat women out unless they have a very specific type of vagina.

    I don't need advice on whether I'm gay or bi or whatever the fuck. It won't help. I've gone over these things in my head millions of times. No, I am not a stranger to the LGBT community, I have plenty of gay friends and I live in NYC and I'm not religious whatsoever. I have no social hang ups about whatever my sexuality is, I truly don't care about peoples opinions on the subject. I know I am attracted to women and have at least been heavily infatuated with several. I also know I have some weird hang up about this dick sucking thing that I for some reason cannot get comfortable with no matter what I do - I have gone as far as actually sucking a dick three times in my life to see if I could figure it out/become comfortable with it. Nothing has worked. Maybe there is some trauma around it from early childhood - in fact I'm pretty certain there is.

    My question is this - how do I acclimate myself to this dick thing so it doesn't make me super uncomfortable/bring about shame/fear/humiliation. I need some sort of technique that will make me comfortable with it or dissolve feeling uncomfortable/ptsd feelings. Like if I want to suck a dick for instance - I don't want to be uncomfortable with the idea of that or expressing that and I want to enjoy the thought instead of feeling intense fear around it. I have tried looking at pictures of people sucking dicks while not whacking off and it still causes major uncomfortableness - I simply don't understand how to get used to it to the point where it doesn't cause fear. Any actionable advice on how to do this would be appreciated thank you.
     
  2. IrishJ

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    My recommendation is to stop watching the porn and go have a relationship with whomever makes you feel good. If you are concerned about previous trauma, go see a therapist. Not to be blunt..
     
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  3. Rupert30

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    I wish it worked this way. I have seen several therapists. I have quit porn for 30 and 32 days respectively. Work on my trauma in various capacities. Nothing is alleviating this - it's so incredibly annoying - just don't want to feel like shit all the time anymore and be afraid of intimacy so much.
     
  4. silverhalo

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    Did you manage to find a therapist as @Chip suggested in your last thread?
     
  5. justaguyinsf

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    It sounds like the real problem here is that you label and criticize your interest in or attractions to sucking dick. Most of us can't easily squelch our sexual impulses, that is in terms of feeling them, but we can control what labels we put on them and our thought processes around them. Notice that I didn't say how we emotionally react to them. One technique that is used to deal with unwanted feelings such as anxiety around seemingly neutral things is not to judge or label those feelings, coupled with techniques to respond to the anxiety. I think it all falls under the rubric of mindfulness, where you simply notice and acknowledge your unwanted thoughts and feelings, which everyone has, and you realize that it's all transitory. In other words, you practice the skill of just feeling the experience appear, peak, and then dissipate. You don't label it or worry about what it means for the future, etc., you just experience the phenomenon without judgment. If you're feeling symptoms of anxiety like tense muscles or your heart racing, then you can do things like deep breathing or closing your eyes to calm down the physiological reaction. Then for more long-term understanding (not dealing with the immediate crisis of anxiety), you can study and think about how you want to incorporate these feelings and desires into your life. You don't necessarily have to ever act on them, or you may choose to find some sort of reasonable outlet. I think that most people, especially us men, have unusual or unwanted sexual thoughts and impulses to varying degrees ... so your experiences really don't sound all that unusual or problematic by themselves. It's your anxiety reaction that seems to be the real problem here.
     
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  6. Fuzzy

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    I didn't read through all that, but seriously, stay away from porn... It is not an honest view of real sexuality. Think about real people, real sex, and real emotional connection and fulfillment. As for how to not fear and feel anxious about oral sex, maybe focus on what you are comfortable with. Why do you have to be comfortable with oral? Perhaps in the context of a healthy relationship, you will find what works for you and your partner.
     
  7. Chip

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    Rupert, here's what I wrote on another thread. It still applies.

     
  8. Rupert30

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    All right.
     
  9. Rupert30

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    I'm sorry to again be writing on this. After I write this I will read brain lock some more - so far the book has been very interesting in terms of the description and tools it gives to cope with the anxiety and ruminating thoughts. I have only just started so I need to be better with getting through it and I will attempt to do this. Right now I am quarantined (I'm in NY) in my house most of the time. The only other roommate who's still here has been one of my gay friends. We haven't had any problems (at least from what I'm aware) and it's been all right for the most part. I find myself envying his like serenity with his sexuality - like it seems fun for him and causes no anxieties. I'm so over this ruminating and anxiety - I'm at a point where sometimes I wish to be gay just to get this over with plus I feel like it's kinda weird and cool to be gay/bisexual. That is why for now I am claiming bi. Haven't been able to stop watching porn in this situation, I just need the visual stimulation but I recognize I am definitely an addict with it. I catch myself trying to "test" different porn to see if I have different reactions - so far same result fear watching the POV bj scenes - but also they get me off the most. For some reason doesn't work unless the girl is attractive and getting off on doing it herself. Its a mess up there. Recently really felt an urge to do psychedelics or something that might quickly fix whatever block I'm coming up against mentally. Developing crush and fantasies about a girl who works at my local grocery store don't know how to deal with that either because I feel like I can't pursue anything. Anyway I just had to write it out to get it out of my brain. I realize this adds nothing. Apologies.