How to deal with friend that wants more

I agree with Rayland: While I understand your desire to protect your friend and shelter him from pain, it's an eventuality--now whether that eventuality is with Chris or with someone else down the line really depends on how you handle things now. To put it bluntly, you are at a very important crossroads, one that's less of a road and more of a knife's edge; one misstep could ruin things for you, but even you walk on the edge perfectly, someone is still going to get hurt.

And if it's James, that isn't your fault or your responsibility. If you don't feel that way about him, you don't feel that way about him: there is nothing to feel guilty about, regardless of his behaviour over the fact. And however genuine his feelings might be for you, I do believe this is a manipulation on his part: like a toddler throwing a tantrum.

If you're really happy with Chris and really want things to work out, you need to set boundaries with James; if James can't respect those boundaries, then the consequences (i.e. you withdrawing from him) are on him, not you.

I get that this is difficult, though; truly, I do. But the right thing to do is seldom easy, and the right thing here is to not allow James to have power over your love life.

 

I think it's better to walk away as nicely as you can from these sorts of situations. No one wins. Babying someone doesn't help them mature (even if they're already mature) and deal with other more difficult things they'll have to deal with in the future.

You will find that you maybe roped into more of these sorts of situations by people who play this victim role. And you will be made more miserable by all this, I think.

I don't think coming out or not coming out has much to do with this. This was just a person in that chapter of your life. These kinds of friends and acquaintances are found across the spectrum of people a person might meet. Like others have said, you are NOT responsible. You just happened onto someone who has these dynamics going on.

Not that you would need one for this, but do you have a therapist or counselor you see? How about a good and solid voice of reason? If you do, run it by them on how you might go forward with this.

Does "James" have someone he talks to for therapeutic reasons? If he does, he should be talking to that provider about this. It sounds as if "James" has a serious enough problem.

I empathize with you because I recently dealt with this within the last few years. The circumstances were very different. I was very clear (more than once) that I was not looking for anything ... with anyone. This person decided to ignore that and think that spending time could lead to something. When I finally pulled back, this person became sort of unstable, from what was told to me. Naturally, I was vilified by some friends we had in common, if you could call them friends. I feel so free to have broken away from such a draining situation. Unlike you, I'm not looking and am not expecting much. But, mostly, I don't feel that I should disclose my sexuality when keeping some people at bay is the biggest benefit I can see coming from it! Some people need to grow up and understand things like "he's not into you" or "water seeks its own level." I struggled with this same thing in my 20s and maybe a little into my 30s, but settled into understanding this. Someone not being accessible to you is very painful, so the thought of putting someone through that very thing is also painful to me. I get you.

 

Coming out is the hardest thing I have ever done.

 

I agree with Bob. Coming out is as scary as it gets. We each have to find to find our own path. They differ and what works one person might not for another. Each of us has to find their own path as does your friend. Stay with us, keep sharing, take good care of yourself. That works. Works for your friend too.

 

I agree about setting boundaries...

It sounds like you friend is lonely and needs to work out his own feelings/thoughts with someone - not you.

James sounds like a sensitive soul. Does James have anyone else? Any other friends? Attend groups?
Maybe this will give him something else to focus on and find someone, even if it's just another friend.