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How to date??

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by IslandMama, Jul 31, 2019.

  1. IslandMama

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    Ok, so I'm newly out as bi to my husband (and 2 good friends). And he's amazingly, surprisingly cool with me pursuing women! Yay for that.

    Which begs the question of: HOW?

    Honestly, it's what kept me from dating women in college. I never understood how to tell if a woman likes other women! Without straight out asking, I guess, which seems terrifying. I felt like there was some secret code I'd never been privy to.

    Nowhere near as shy now as I was then, but still.

    Also, we live in a tiny town in a rural area. Also, I'd be quite interested in ladies who maybe aren't necessarily loud and proud either... seems like I'm mostly attracted to other moms around my age. Who seem mostly straight, of course! But I'm willing to bet there's a lot of others out there with unexplored desires.

    How the heck do I find them?

    Thanks in advance if anyone has any magic solutions... guess I'm just hoping?
     
  2. TwoFeech

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    That's cool about your husband!

    No magic solutions, but: it's totally possible to be bisexual and monogamous. You're looking to meet women who are into other women and also are okay with you being married while you're dating them. Look up polyamory / responsible nonmonogamy websites for more advice.

    Could you possibly be the one to put out the clues and let others hint to you that they've picked up on them? Such as wearing bi colors, or the silly pun I've seen some people do online: macaw = parrot = Polly wanna cracker = I'm poly. If I saw someone with specific orientation flag colors and a parrot design on their clothing, I might think they are poly because of seeing that around on poly sites. If someone very specifically compliments your coming-out jewelry, chances are they know what it means. (I personally can never keep all the flags right in my head so I'd have to look them up. :stuck_out_tongue_closed_eyes:) And flaunt your wedding ring so people know that you don't have secrets from your husband.

    Unfortunately, you really do have to do the scary part and talk to them sometime early on in your acquaintance. Can't help you there because I'm awful at it. But in general you can show support for lgbt and nonmonogamy, without outing yourself, so other quiet+queer ladies know you are safe to talk to.

    Also, the more friends you make, the more people you can come out to, and the more network you will have to meet someone within. That holds true for activities other than lgbt or poly activities. Anything you can get out and do.
     
  3. IslandMama

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    Thanks for the tips!

    It may be possible for some bisexuals to be monogamous, but it's become impossible for me personally. Perhaps because I haven't been with women before, and the curiosity and desire are driving me crazy! But I have always known I was capable of loving multiple people simultaneously. And yes, my husband is amazing and I sure don't want to lose him. I thought this would be impossible because he's always been crazy jealous before. It turns out that was only about men... which I find bizarre and mystifying, but I guess it works in my favor? Since it's about women, he was like, "well, women are super hot, so I get it."

    I guess I'll just have to scour the net for all the secret signals out there...
     
  4. TwoFeech

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    Oh yeah, sorry for unclarity, I didn't mean you should be monogamous, but rather that you want to find other nonmonogamous persons to date, instead of a broader dating pool of women-who-are-into-women in general. So you want them to know up front that you're married and also not cheating.
     
  5. DecentOne

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    Hi IslandMama,

    I’m glad you are communicating with your husband, best wishes as you move ahead.

    I don’t know if they use the same vocabulary where you are, but I had to ask what word(s) I should use if someone approached me (since I’m not looking to date). A gay friend advised I tell people I’m in a “closed relationship.” I’ve had to say that a couple times, just to be clear. It seems saying “I’m married” does not convey enough... Sigh.

    I guess there are so many married folks with permission to roam (or they are just cheating) so that wedding band isn’t enough to mean I’m off the market!

    For your situation you may get the advice to say “I’m in an open relationship.”
     
  6. Nickw

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    I don't know if there is the same thing where you are....

    There are hookup's apps that I got on and I started to build a network of gay friends. In my case, my wife was not cool at first with me hooking up. So, my profile said "no sex". This, actually, made me of interest so I had a lot of hits, had some beers, made some friends. Eventually, I met my boyfriend on an app.

    I just try to be as honest as possible. Seems, in my case, there are a lot of guys looking for a semi serious/semi monogamous thing...so I was surprised at the response.
     
  7. NotTooLoud

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    There are some different kinds of pride shirts out there. One just has a heartbeat symbol in different colors, one has rainbow, etc. I'm very cautious about it all in my town so I wear another shirt over the top and leave it kind-of unbuttoned. Even if only one or two of the colors are showing, gay people recognize it immediately. If I don't feel comfortable someplace, I just button up my outer shirt. If I want to tell somebody I just show them my shirt -- like I was at this bar and I told the young lady next to me "You're very beautiful; you shouldn't be sitting here alone. Where's your boyfriend?" When she said she didn't have one, I opened my shirt a little bit and whispered "yeah, me neither." I work in a city down the road, which is more conservative, so I don't want to do anything to mark myself that I can't take off for work (like certain kinds of tattoos or piercings that are more gay-ish). I think I am going to get some of those magnetic earrings next. My point is that there are subtle things you can do that gay people will recognize right away, and some straight people will, too, of course, but so what?, if you're cool with it.

    It might be easier for men because there are certain things a straight guy would never do, like match his pants to his shirt all the time so he's always wearing the same color (I don't do this either, but I know someone who does). Straight guys would rarely wear more than 2 rings and those are almost always on their ring fingers or pinkies, never their thumb or their index finger. I mean, it could happen, but it's very rare.
     
  8. Mamalim

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    I know this marks me as old because I have been out of the game for along time, but there are a lot of hook up apps. Can anyone recomend one that is better for finding older gay people?
     
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  9. silverhalo

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    I am not sure we are allowed to mention names of apps, just because of people potentially using it to make offsite contact, although someone may correct me if I am wrong. I think it can vary depending on where you live and exactly what you are looking for. I know some people in the past have had success using LGBT meetup groups near to them.