How to come out to my wife?

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Hi, Veganguy. Thank you for being willing to talk to me through here. Basically, my "private question" I wanted to ask you was this: I wanted to ask you why you and your wife opted not to partake in an open relationship. No doubt you've both deliberated it considerably....something like that requires a great deal of careful thought. Only recently have I been reading up on what an "open marriage" means, and the results are surprising. It doesn't strictly apply to sexual contact with people other than your spouse; it can simply mean forming friendships and/or joining groups of other people that are likeminded (for example, meeting and making gay friends).

I only ask because an open marriage is something that I hope my wife would be open to. I love her more than anything. I still haven't found the right opportunity to tell her of my struggle and of my sexuality. This past weekend was spent visiting her family and it was wonderful. It made me incredibly sad and heartbroken thinking that this would be one of the last times I'd get to be a part of their amazing, loving family.

Has it gotten any easier for you? Reading your update on how you and your wife finally parted ways broke my heart, if I'm being perfectly honest. I don't want to lose the home we began together; I dread the day we'll have to take down our wedding photos from the wall and begin packing up our things separately. Again, I admire your strength (and hers) in being able to move through this difficult time. For you, I'm sure it was the best course of action.....for me, I still don't know. I'm confused and waver: one minute I'm resolved to the idea of us separating so I can fully embrace my gay self....the next, I'm terrified of losing my best friend and wife, wondering if coming out is even worth it since life is "seemingly" perfect with her. I just don't feel any sexual attraction to her or women in general at this point in my life. My other fear? What if I go back the "other way?" Meaning, human sexuality doesn't fit in neat little labeled boxes; It's a spectrum. For years I was in the middle (mostly) leaning more towards hetero....this past year, i've shifted exclusively towards gay. But what if years later I regress and regain my sexual attraction towards women? I would have lost my amazing wife by that point.

Ugh. I'm clearly a mess. Just when I think I have things figured out I get in my own head. I stopped seeing my therapist months ago. The guy was completely useless. So i'm just lost in my own thoughts.

In any case, I cannot thank you enough for sharing your story. If you don't feel like explaining your rationale behind your decision not to venture down the open marriage path, I'll respect that. I really wanted to hear it from someone similar to me (young, married, no kids).

Where are you traveling to? And for how long? I wish you the best of luck with everything, Veganguy. As always, thank you for your time.

Take care. Stay strong.

 

I'm 68 and have had relationships with both men and women. Your post really resonates with me. From my experience, it would hurt her much more if she finds out on her own. As difficult as it may sound, my recommendation would be that you talk to her about this, but in the context of your long and proven friendship. In other words, your deciding you're gay doesn't need to trigger a termination of your relationship with her. In fact, I've read many stories about couples maintaining their deep friendship in spite of his coming out to her as gay. It can actually deepen the friendship, your being honest and forthright with her. In some cases the couple has divorced but kept the family unit together, with the children understanding and accepting the father's "gayness" as well as their parents' evolving relationship. So many things are possible in this world that we've learned are not possible. Not everyone conforms to the idea of the panicked divorce and the breakup of the family. As humans, we all have a much more incredible capacity for understanding and change than we often give ourselves credit for. I was deeply touched by your concern for your wife. I encourage you to move forward and discuss this with her, not sugar-coating it, but letting her know that you consider your relationship with her an important, necessary part of your life. In the end, your relationship with her will likely remain the longest of your life.

I hope this helps you somehow. I think you can be true to yourself at the same time you're true to your relationship with your wife. Best wishes!

 

Veganguy, it's great to hear more of your story. It really is inspiring when I see the massive progress you've made in a relatively short period of time. Stories like yours are slowly helping me out of the closet. I've written the coming out letter for my spouse but yet to read it to her. I'm just waiting for the right moment.

 

I came out to my wife and family last year. Unfortunately, when I told this one guy, I wanted to "be with a man" to see if I was really capable of it, he moved way too fast and thought it was a hookup. It was not a good experience and hurt my wife; which I did not intend to do. I put focus back on her, but just before everything came out, I met a guy on a date sight and we talked on the phone for hours. We had a great connection. That acceptance, friendship, and common connection was something I really liked.

However, I come from a religion and belief system that has no room for this. Often I think of that conversation, but now I see I can only put effort into one relationship or the other one suffers. I don't think open marriages really work over time and, in my case, I would lose my religious affiliation and confuse my children. I don't know why I get the "urges" to explore the "forbidden side", but I do care for my wife and children greatly and I need to keep my promises. I look at my family and I am very happy to have them in my nice house and they deserve it. I was once told "well, you have a choice". I can commit to either way. However, one involves a family and generations of children with a spiritual promise , and one does not.

So, I do my best to stay on the wisest path. I hope you do too.

 

This is the only forum I have used. Has it come to that on most other forum sites? I was not aware. Glad to hear you keep this site secure. One thing that messed me up getting sucked into a "hookup" that degenerated my original intention.

 

thank you so much for your update, veganguy, and for explaining to me they "why" that an open marriage wouldn't work for you. an update about me:

i finally talked to my wife this past monday. i was extremely terrified of having the conversation. she and i just got back the night before from a weekend camping trip where we enjoyed ourselves.....but the sheer stress alone from carrying this burden was taking a toll on my body. sparing you the gory details, i've basically been peeing out of my bottom for 10 days straight. i suppose that was my body's way of telling me that it was time to finally say this. my wife is amazing...in every meaning of the word. she's a social worker by profession, so she is an extremely empathetic person. the thing is, i couldn't be 100% honest with her. i just couldn't tell her that i'm gay, so i told her i was questioning my sexuality. of course she asked a number of questions, she was completely shocked, but she told me that she didn't care what i was as long as i was happy with myself and true to myself. i cried like a baby. now, she's going through the "processing" phase, and it's been really difficult. i've had the better part of a year to agonize and stress over this; she's just been hit by this train only for 72 hours as of my writing. we still love each other; there's no doubt. but the tension and awkwardness between us now is palpable. understandably so, she wants her space from me to think and process. it's difficult to remove yourself from a situation when you live with said situation. so we've been sleeping in separate bedrooms. i haven't been sleeping peacefully through the night. i hear her when she finally stirs awake in the morning, and then i hear her crying to herself. it fucking kills me. knowing that i singlehandedly could devastate someone like that, someone who i love more than anything.

since then i've had several ugly cries about this. i cried on my drive to work the morning after, and a few times while at the office. i don't know how to act around her, but all i can do is ask her how she's feeling and ask her what she needs from me. if she needs space, she lets me know. starting today she is out of town for a work related conference until sunday night....but she doesn't want to talk to me at all during that time. she won't even give me her flight information. i asked her to at least text me to inform me that she arrived safely, of which she has done. i get it. this kills me, but i get that she needs her alone time to figure things out.

the giant problem now, veganguy, is that i'm confused all over again. just when i thought i had things figured out, i'm back to square one again. for that reason, i'm glad i only told her that i'm questioning my sexuality rather than saying outright that i'm gay. because right now i truly don't know anymore. so i find guys attractive physically and sexually, but i don't want to be in a relationship with one. and since i finally released this burden and told her, i do truly feel some relief...and i feel that my attraction toward women has resurfaced. hopefully this isn't too much information, but sex for me always needed to be a state of mental tranquility. meaning, i can never perform if my mind is preoccupied or worrying about something (whatever it may be). my questioning my sexuality was such a debilitating burden on my mind that it kept me from wanting to be intimate with my own wife.....i was afraid to even touch her.

she asked me if i was bi, what would that do to our marriage? would that mean i would want to explore that side of me? i told her "no." and i do mean that as of now. why can't i just be bi and leave it at that? why can't i just find men attractive and leave it at that while simultaneously being attracted to and happy with my wife? she told me that she doesn't see our marriage being a problem if i was bi. but if i was gay, she already said that an open marriage would not work for her.

i found a new therapist and have an appointment to see her this coming tuesday. during this brief amount of time since i told my wife what i've been feeling, i miss her tremendously. i find myself imagining what our future could look like together and i love it. but she fears that i might be gay, and wants me to be 100% true to myself. she's devastated....she mourns over a possibility where we're no longer together and our future she dreamed of is gone. i mourn over that, too. i daydreamed about us becoming parents together, and for the first time i welcomed that possibility. i spoke to my new therapist when setting up my coming appointment, and she told me something that did bring me a little bit of hope: mine and my wife's future has a number of possibilities; we shouldn't dwell on the one bad one. she's right, but easier said than done.

my wife complimented me, telling me that speaking up about this was a brave thing to do. i don't feel brave. i feel guilt, heartbreak, confusion, fear and utter sadness/depression. i can only imagine what she's feeling. she doesn't feel comfortable in sharing that with me yet.

so yes. here i am: a confused mess with no more clarity now than when i started questioning things a year ago. as of now, one thing i can say for certain is that i'm not going to give up on me and her, and this very real possibility of losing her forever has reignited my desire to keep her and love her as true husband and wife.

as always, thank you for your time and for sharing your story, veganguy. i wish you the best of luck with your journey. you're in my thoughts for sure; i'm there cheering you on.

 

Guy, I just want to touch base and let you know that I was in a situation very similar to yours several years ago. However, she found out by accident, and we weren't married. We went for couples counseling with a woman in the San Francisco Bay Area (where we lived) who was well-known as a bisexual therapist. After several sessions my partner decided she didn't want to see me any more. So we said our tearful goodbyes.

And a full year later, I made contact again, and since then we've become best friends. I am so glad that I didn't give up. Based on this experience, for any relationship I now have a rule I feel I must always respect (unless it's hurting me too much to hang on): Never think of a relationship of *any* kind as being "disposable."

Not a full member yet, but your situation resonates with me, so I'll definitely watch this forum to see the progress I'm sure you'll make. Good Luck and Best Wishes!

 

Vegan, thank you so much for coming back and keeping us updated! Your story has been instrumental in my own progress of self acceptance. I am ecstatic that you've found happiness so quickly. It really is motivation for the rest of us.

Not that you need it, as you're already killing it, but best of luck with your new chapter!

P.s my offer of a catchup for a coffee next time you're in Sydney still stands!