How to come out to my wife?

Hi everyone,

I really need some advice about how to come out to my wife, and eventually my family.

I met my wife in college, where we were best friends. We stayed friends for about 3 years, until we hooked up at a party. Since that night, we were inseparable. We got married 3 years after, and have now been married for an additional 3 years.

When we were just friends, I had "come out" as bisexual, and had been on one date with a guy. It didn't feel right to me at the time, so I didn't pursue it. We've also talked about my bisexuality a couple of times since being married, and my wife has always been so accepting.

I've only just realised however that maybe I am not bisexual, and that I am actually gay. I love my wife, but I'm not sexually attracted to her. I often find myself looking at other guys, and longing for a relationship with a man. I don't feel that way about women, as much as I wish I did.

I often find myself turning down sex with her, telling her that I am not in the mood. I know that when I do this, that it's a lie and that I am also damaging her sexual esteem. Just last week after I turned her down, she became quite sad and asked me if she was attractive (assuming that me not wanting to have sex was because she wasn't pretty enough). Just writing this paragraph has brought me to tears, thinking about how my actions are negatively affecting her.

We are both fairly young (27 and 28), and don't have kids (although we do have a dog). We were planning on moving interstate mid-year, and have a week holiday planned in the next two weeks to try and work out where we want to move to. My wife really likes her current job, and would be giving this up to move.

It's because of this timing that I think that now is the time for me to come out, and to stop hiding from myself. I don't want her to feel like I have stolen her youth, or for her to feel ugly, or for her to give up a job that she likes for me.

But i'm so scared.

I don't have a support network, or any friends to really call my own (all of our friends are straight couples). And on a deeper level, I am so frightened of being alone.

Part of me desperately want to just sell everything that I own, and travel/work overseas where no one knows me. But I realise how lengthy and painful a divorce will be, and I also worry about how my wife will move on.

What first steps would you recommend that I take?

Thank you for literally any advice that you can give :icon_sad:

 

Thanks Mj5963 for sharing. I agree, sexuality is totally complicated – I have always identified as bisexual as I do find some women attractive, but I definitely gravitate more towards men. If you were to put me on a scale from 1 (liking only women) to 10 (liking only men), then I would probably be about an 8.

I think you are right about seeing a therapist first. I'm going to try and do this so that I can work out exactly what I want, and the best way to go about that.

Will keep you updated!

---------- Post added 1st Mar 2017 at 08:12 AM ----------

Thanks Lost4, it's really helpful to know that I'm not alone!

I'm literally never in Sydney, but will keep that group in mind

My advice to you (for what it's worth), would be to see a therapist as well to work out what you want, and to how to go about that. Once you get married, it will only get harder and more painful. I'm lucky that we don't have kids yet, as that would add another layer of heartbreak.

It's really awkward timing for me at the moment, because as I said we have a week holiday coming up to go to Brisbane as we were thinking of moving there. Do I come out to her before this holiday, or pretend like everything is OK and normal for now until I've talked with a therapist??

I will definitely keep you updated with how I go.

 

I did it. Yesterday, I came out to my wife.

Keeping it from her was eating me alive. Mentally, I became depressed and aloof. And physically, I couldn't sleep, wasn't hungry, and I lost all motivation to go to the gym. I had considered waiting to talk to a therapist first, but keeping this secret from her felt awful, and I think that prolonging telling her because of the holiday would have resulted in me ruining it with my depressive mood.

So I wrote a letter to her, and read it out loud yesterday.

There were a lot of tears, both hers and mine. I wanted her to hate me and yell at me, but she didn't. She just cried, and accepted me. Without much hesitation, she said "then lets have an open marriage". I told her that I wasn't sure if that was the right approach, as I know her, and how that would make her feel in the long run.

I feel like once I told her, I had nothing more to say about it. I don't know what I want. I love her so much, and the thought of us splitting up and not being with each other for the rest of our lives seems awful to me. But at the same time, I can't keep living a lie.

We agreed to go and see a therapist together, as soon as possible. It's annoying timing that I told her on a Saturday, as there are no therapists are open to see us (or even make a booking) until Monday.

I wish that I didn't have to put her through this. I wish that I wasn't gay, and that we could continue to live the life that we have built together forever. Now that I've told her, I know that there is a time limit on the time that we have left together, and that breaks my heart. It hurts so much, that I think that maybe I shouldn't have told her, that maybe I should have just kept pretending to be straight. But, as I said, doing that is detrimental to my mental health, and I think that I would ultimately end up regretting not being true to myself.

I feel guilty, selfish, and mostly just heartbroken.

We are still (at this stage) planning on taking the holiday. I figured it would be better to tell her before, so that we could spend the holiday talking and working out what we wanted for our future. Not exactly a dream holiday, but necessary.

I'll keep you updated on how things progress ...

 

It's been a while since I posted here, and a lot has happened since!

We saw a therapist together, and I felt completely weird and vulnerable to tell a complete stranger about my sexuality. We talked about how monogamous straight relationships are a result of what society has deemed acceptable, but that they are not the only type of relationships that exist. We talked about how I should try and be with a man first, before we consider leaving each other. My wife was surprisingly very for this, but I'm not sure if that's something that I want to do.

The therapist made some interesting points:

- That if my wife says that it is OK, then I must accept that
- That everything is still 'hypothetical' until I/we try

We did go on the holiday together, and it was a lot of ups and downs. We had a lot of fun together, and we also had moments of deep conversations about our future/s. My wife wants us to try a Mixed Orientation Marriage (MOM) relationship, as she still loves me and wants to be with me. I now need to work out if that's something that I want, and can live with. I think it is, as I really do love her and I want to continue being with her.

So ... we have a plan of sorts. We are still going to move interstate, and we are going to use this as chance to reinvent ourselves and our relationship. When we move, I'm going to try and connect with some gay and bisexual men to make some friends, as I feel that this is the first step for me to accept my identity. And we are also making steps to be more independent from each other, including finding separate hobbies, friends, and even un-merging our finances.

But, we will still spend time with each other and continue to be married while we work on these things.

I'm yet to see a therapist on my own, but have my first appointment on Monday which I am hoping will help clear up what it is that I actually want, as it's a complete mystery to me. Do I want to be in a MOM relationship, do I want/need to try being with a man, or do I want to separate from my wife and completely redefine my life. I literally have no idea, so hopefully talking with someone about this will help.

Life is hard, messy, and unpredictable.

 

Thanks everyone for your encouragement, it really means a lot.

On a positive note, I came out to my best friends (a couple that my wife and I regularly hang out with). I did it mainly because I know that my wife needs to talk with her friend about what is happening, as previously she has been keeping it all to herself.

They took it really well! We had them over on Easter Friday for lunch and drinks, and I kept thinking to myself that I should tell them but now isn't the right time. But then, during the evening, my wife just removed herself from the conversation and went outside. This is unlike her, so I checked on her and found her crying to herself. I knew it was because of me and our situation, and seeing that gave me the courage to tell our friends.

When I told them, they gave us both big hugs, asked questions, and said that they would both be here for us if we ever needed to talk. They were surprised, but ultimately very accepting and loving about it.

I also finally went to see a gay affirming therapist, and it helped to physically voice my questions and confusions. As I mentioned before, my wife is keen for us to try whatever we can (namely an open marriage) before we decide to end our marriage, as we both love each other. But as a realist, I don't think that an open marriage would work for us, and also for me in particular.

If I were to have sex with another person (a man), I would need an emotional connection as well (not just a random hookup). I had an honest talk with my wife about this yesterday, and I raised the question to her – if we were to have an open marriage, she would also most likely want to seek sex elsewhere from another man. But, like me, she wouldn't want just a random hookup, she would need the emotional connection.

So, if we were both dating other people, but still living together, then are we still even in a relationship/marriage, or are we just really close flatmates?

I think that we both now know that it's not going to work for us. So, we are in this strange stage where we love each other, but we realise that we need to stop loving each other as much if we hope to move on in our lives and find happiness. But, how do you do that?! How do you actively try to stop loving someone??

On another note, I've been becoming more and more depressed in the last couple of weeks. I feel guilty about what I am putting my wife through, and I also feel such shame and sadness about myself as a human. I used to have bright dreams for the future – having a couple of kids with my wife, buying a house, etc. – but now, nothing. I feel like there is nothing to look forward to, just a lot of heartbreak, a lot of awkward humiliating conversations with relatives, and being alone.

But, I have another session with my therapist coming up and I will talk about this with her. I'm also going to read some books about sexuality, and how to deal with this situation – any book recommendations would be really appreciated!

 

Kablamo – thank you so much for your message. I don't feel like a hero at all, but it's really nice to know that sharing my story has helped you.

I know exactly what you are going through, and the mix of feelings. There really is no good time to tell her, you just need to do it.

For me, I wrote a letter that I read out loud to my wife, which really helped me to continue with the conversation and explain everything properly. As I mentioned in earlier posts, the timing wasn't great either with a planned holiday coming up, but as it turned out it was really good to have told her before our holiday, as we spent the whole time talking and discussing our situation and the options together.

In regards to the options, you may want to consider an open marriage etc. My wife and I talked about this in great detail, but decided that it wasn't right for us as we are both too loyal to each other to be comfortable with it. So, we will be separating, but remain in close contact as friends.

When you do tell her, make it clear that it is not because of her at all. That she has been the amazing best friend and lover that you could ever have asked for, and that this happening is not due to any shortcomings on her behalf. My wife had a hard time accepting that she wasn't to blame for not being "good enough"

You can do it, you just need to make a plan and stick to it. Telling her is the scariest part, but it gets easier and there is a light at the end of the tunnel for you both.

Good luck, and please keep me posted about you progress

---------- Post added 21st May 2017 at 07:20 PM ----------

An update to my situation.

It's been about three months since I came out to my wife, and since then I have now come out to my best friends, my cousin, my mother and my sister. Everyone that I have told has been 100% accepting and supportive, and I feel very lucky for that.

Telling my mum was painful. She doesn't fully accept it, she thinks that it's maybe just a fetish and that if I try it once that might be enough. But she will understand in time (I hope).

My wife and I have come to the agreement that a separation (or at least a trial separation for now) is best. She will be taking the dog – our mutual choice, as mainly I feel so guilty about the pain that I've caused her, and I don't want her to be alone.

I've also made some plans to do some volunteer work overseas by myself from December this year, for about 6 months or longer if I can, with an aim to 'find myself' (whatever that means), and I guess work out what I want in life. In the meantime, I'm going to be living in a share-house (trying to find the right one now!), and my wife is looking for a place that she can afford on her own that also suits our dog.

Just this weekend we split all of our assets, and packed our items into boxes. Splitting our framed photos was the hardest part, and afterward we both just sat on the floor crying together.

I'm still dealing with some depression (it comes in waves), but I am also excited to explore myself and to also travel at the end of the year. I recently joined ****** last week, and that's been a lot of fun! Chatting to other men in a romantic way feels so exciting and new. My wife also joined ******, and has hit it off with a guy, so much so that they are going to go out for coffee next week.

It's been a really hard and emotionally draining period of my life, but it's getting easier with each step forward that I take

 

Hi Kablammo,

I just tried to private message you, but got the same permission problems. I'm also not allowed to share contact details or link to any external websites or I will get banned for 30 days apparently

Keep in mind though that this is a judgement free forum. Your account if basically anonymous anyway, so if you feel comfortable doing so, please feel free to ask me here?