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How to come out at work?

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by lottaotter, Jul 10, 2022.

  1. lottaotter

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    Started a new job 7 months ago and love it- the job and my colleagues, but I really want to come out and I'm struggling to fit it into the conversation.

    Me and everyone I work with is quite tradtional and working class but I know they're not homophobic because there was a story in our local newspaper blaming gay people for spreading monkey pox and they all said that it was a nasty piece of journalism.

    I've told one or two people (managed to slip it into the conversation) and was hoping they'd tell everyone, but they haven't. I also assumed people would guess I'm gay, but then they're not the kind of people who would assume unless you were the stereotypical gay man. I am not sure the two people I told actually believe me. That hurt a bit because - although they mean well - it's the saem reaction my mom gave me when I first tried to come out to her. That forced me back into the closet for another 6 years.

    I'm stuck. I don't want it to go on much longer but don't know how to tell them. I struggle with being heard in conversations as it is, and often get talked over (I'm also going through a really shy phase at the moment, so worse than usual). Does anyone have any ideas?
     
    #1 lottaotter, Jul 10, 2022
    Last edited: Jul 10, 2022
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  2. Aspen

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    There’s something to be said about not coming out but also not hiding it either, although I understand if you want to be more direct. My preferred method of coming out, especially at work, is to casually mention my wife in conversation. I know that doesn’t work for everyone, but family is a natural conversation at work in a way that sexuality isn’t.

    I’m a firm believer in that if you share something with someone at work that could be considered a secret and you want them to tell others, you need to let them know. If that's what you want, you can let them know that you want to be out at work, but you're struggling to find the right moment in conversations. Let them know that it's okay to share the information if they have an opportunity. If one of your coworkers told you they were queer, would you feel okay mentioning it to other coworkers or would it feel like gossip? It’s also possible that they, like you, haven’t seen a natural opening to mention it in conversation.

    You could also try less direct ways of coming out. A miniature pride flag on your desk, mentioning your plans to attend a pride event, things like that.
     
  3. lottaotter

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    I agree it is maybe a bit inappropriate to mention who I sleep with at work, but I also feel it'd make people feel more comfy around me and me more comfy) if they knew this fact about me. Unfortunately I'm single so I don't have that option, but it is a very good idea.

    Yes, you're right- I ought to be grateful that they didn't gossip about me. I wouldn't tell anyone else if someone revealed their sexuality to me. I will put my pride badge (among others) on my bag I think so that people can see it in the locker room.
     
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  4. Jakebusman

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    Im out at work with my Bi Pride necklace
     
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  5. chicodeoro

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    Maybe I'm a bit old fashioned but I wouldn't discuss my sexuality with people I work with unless those work colleagues became friends. I mean if they asked I'd be honest and if I was seeing someone I might slip a reference to my boyfriend/girlfriend. But other than that, well, if you're not in a relationship I don't see there's any need to 'come out'. What's the point?

    Beth
     
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  6. bsg75apollo

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    I'm not working at the moment but will be returning to the workforce soon. It is going to be interesting navigating a whole new world at work with mt outness and circumstances, so I need a game plan so I'm not blindsided. First, my sexuality is my own damn business and I don't owe anyone any explanations or apologies. Second, I didn't come out of the closet after all these years, just to go back into one. Third, if someone ask directly, I will give an honest answer. Fourth, if it comes up naturally in conversation I will say something if I feel like it. Finally, if anyone has any problems with it, that's what HR is for and if they are ineffective, that's what discrimination lawsuits are for.
     
  7. Jakebusman

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    Do you wanna be out at work ?
     
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  8. lottaotter

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    Yeah I'd like my colleagues to know that I'm gay, ideally. I'd feel more comfy if they knew that.
     
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  9. Mirko

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    There are certainly boundaries within a professional environment as to the kind of information and how much is approriate to share but I want to pick up on something that Aspen mentioned.

    Why not try to weave it casually into a conversation? For example if towards the end of a day you are asked what are your plans for the weekend, you could respond with that you are planning on going on a hike with a LGBTQ+ social group. While you wouldn't immediately come out as gay, it could be a spring board for coming out. :slight_smile:
     
  10. Isbjorn

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    I am not "Out" at work, nor do I feel the need to be. I will not deny it and if I ever feel the need to contribute it to a conversation, I will, but everyone assumes I am straight and I see no reason to say otherwise, because straight, gay, bi, or whatever is truly no ones business, unless in friendly conversation and only if all parties are comfortable with said conversation. From and HR standpoint that is the way things should be. It should fall into the same category as selling candy for your kids' sports team. You can if you want, you do not have to, if talking about it is not desired by any party then drop it (this includes talk of heterosexuality).
     
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  11. Robyn mac

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    The owner of the company I work for know and so does another woman with whom I work with closely. The workers under me do not know.
    The reason they know is because becoming friendly in a close knit company plans for weekends and holidays came up. I told them about my s/o.
     
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  12. Cinnamoon

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    I don't particularly have any desire to be out at work, but there is a cute guy I work with I'm kind of into. Which is excruciating really =P

    But to be honest if my general colleagues asked I'd probably be honest - probably. But really, the situation hasn't arisen for me to deem it necessary to say yet.

    If you want to come out though, Mirko's advice seems good =)
     
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  13. Rayland

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    There are lots of really good advice here already. My own feelings about this are that I like to keep work and personal life separately. I never bring work home either or discuss work things at home, but this all is just a personal preference.
     
  14. Jakebusman

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    How did coming out at work go ?
     
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  15. Contented

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    While I didn’t wear a sign when asked I proudly told my colleagues I was gay. It feels so good not to hide such an important part of who I am.
     
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  16. DragonChaser

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    So here's my rule-of-thumb when it comes to mentioning queerness at work: How much do I need to represent VS. How accepting the environment is.

    Representation is HUGE. It's hyper-important and it's something we don't talk enough about! It's how we get everyone out of the closet! BUT, if it's a threat to you or your life or your livelihood, discretion is the better part of valor! Always! Don't risk your safety!

    For my own part, most of my closest coworkers call me "Lydia." If questioned, the go-to answer is that it's a joke from my last job that carried over. Because I live in a place where being trans can get you in trouble.

    But they know it's not a joke. They know who I am. They know Lydia is trying to come out, and they can't wait to meet her. And I can't wait to show them.

    My situation is not uncommon, but not the usual for everyone in my position. I think most people want to accept us. There will always be those who don't, though. Those who try to hurt us. Be careful and don't give them the chance.

    tl;dr Discretion above everything; ALWAYS STAY SAFE!
     
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