1. This site uses cookies. By continuing to use this site, you are agreeing to our use of cookies. Learn More.

How to be out as a bisexual

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by Nickw, Aug 4, 2020.

  1. Bastion

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Jul 29, 2020
    Messages:
    115
    Likes Received:
    40
    Location:
    North America
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Other
    Out Status:
    Not out at all

    Oh ok I see now how this is working. You mean your wife is also in love with this guy. Well if it’s out. Then it’s out. Maybe it will be better in the long run. Or not depends on how you feel about it. Which reminds me one time I was in a club with some friends. I saw a couple a man and a woman. A couple. The woman was hitting on and kissing girls in the goal of having an arrangement. The man was happy about it I guess. They seemed to be in an open orientation relationship of some kind. We talked with her and she was like giving us pointers about getting girls. She said something like “ That’s how’s it’s done”.
     
  2. Nickw

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Feb 18, 2016
    Messages:
    2,137
    Likes Received:
    1,124
    Location:
    Out West
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Other
    Out Status:
    Some people
    No. My wife's feelings for my FWB are not romantic. My wife and I are in our 60's. My FWB is in his early thirties. I met him on a hookup. Then, I wanted to take him skiing. My wife worked her way through med school teaching skiing. So, she taught him. They developed a friendship. She loves him like a favorite nephew I suppose. He and I have a different relationship. Hard to describe. It started out as sexual desire. He is stunning. But, we also got really good at sex. For awhile, I obsessed over the sexual relationship. But, the whole thing matured and now we are just good friends who are also intimate. FWIW, my wife was a FWB also while I was in grad school and she was a resident.. We only later figured out we had a good thing going all around. We were so damned busy with school that we used each other for sex and skiing. I don't think we went on a real date for nearly a year after meeting.
     
    Bastion likes this.
  3. Bastion

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Jul 29, 2020
    Messages:
    115
    Likes Received:
    40
    Location:
    North America
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Other
    Out Status:
    Not out at all
    Good chemistry, connection, open mindedness and trust it seems you guys have. Do people notice the difference in age between you and your FWB or comment about it? It’s like a generational gap. He must be very mature. Also sexual energy maybe different for different ages? It’s cool you are compatible.

    I met a guy awhile back. We were close friends at one point. I didn’t have anything like that. It could have been more. But he still had this young people’s angst. We didn’t see eye to eye on many things. I thought we connected but maybe it was the age difference.
     
  4. Nickw

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Feb 18, 2016
    Messages:
    2,137
    Likes Received:
    1,124
    Location:
    Out West
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Other
    Out Status:
    Some people
    Yeah. People notice the age difference. The three of us were in a ski shop a couple weeks ago and the salesman kept referring to me as his dad. We joked about that because of the whole dad/son sexual dynamic which we don’t have.

    The gay guys assume I’m a sugar daddy I think. But, a gay couple that we hang out with have a similar age difference. Sexually, we are compatible. My gay age is mid twenties.

    I’m not attracted, yet, to guys my age. I know it’s an issue. I understand where it is coming from and so does he. He is generally not attracted to older men.

    I think part of the reason this works is that I know I will never "run off into the sunset" with my FWB. I love him too much to ruin his life getting stuck with an older man. Even if it somehow seemed like it would work. My wife, totally, gets how I wouldn't do this. So, it makes it safe.
     
    #24 Nickw, Aug 6, 2020
    Last edited: Aug 6, 2020
  5. Bastion

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Jul 29, 2020
    Messages:
    115
    Likes Received:
    40
    Location:
    North America
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Other
    Out Status:
    Not out at all
    Yeah I guess age difference sometimes bothers people or they get uncomfortable and they may assume different things. I heard on the news the other day a gay guy got beaten up because his boyfriend is a lot younger. This hate for and extreme behavior for and towards people who are different should be happening. It’s like 2020 and it shocks me some people are still hateful.

    I think people sometimes should mind their own business.

    I also find myself attracted to younger guys and girls. But I don’t know why. It’s just like that. It’s how I feel.

    So what would you do if your FWB found and fell in love with someone else and wanted to end things. Or he might want a more serious commitment?
     
  6. Nickw

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Feb 18, 2016
    Messages:
    2,137
    Likes Received:
    1,124
    Location:
    Out West
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Other
    Out Status:
    Some people
    Bastion

    When I first came out, I met a 27 year old guy. He and I went skiing and to gay events. It was, strictly, platonic. At the time, my wife and I had decided not to open up the marriage yet. But, I really liked the guy. He is thirty ish now. He met my FWB. We all went skiing. I am DESPERATE for them to hit it off and get together. They would be such an awesome couple! The guy is hot for my FWB. But, my FWB so far is a little reserved on him and he does live a couple hundred miles away. The CV thing really screwed up my matchmaking. We had a ski weekend planned right when it hit.

    There is almost nothing I would like more than to see my FWB with someone like that. I'm not worried about my thing with my FWB. I'm sure my other friend would share him occasionally if we wanted to get together. We're all pretty open about such things. My FWB has my commitment to love him and care for him for the rest of our lives. I'm that way with my friends. What would a deeper commitment look like? Our age differences prevent the partnership part of a relationship which he needs to find with someone else. But, I have his back always.
     
    Bastion likes this.
  7. Bastion

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Jul 29, 2020
    Messages:
    115
    Likes Received:
    40
    Location:
    North America
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Other
    Out Status:
    Not out at all

    That openness that all of you share is great And when you said that you always have his back. That shows how much you care for him and maybe he knows that.

    I wonder what’s in the cards for me. When can I have a similar kind of understating without hurting people that are close to me. Wife, family, friends. Or Maybe when the time comes I will know what to do. If I meet someone.
     
  8. Nickw

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Feb 18, 2016
    Messages:
    2,137
    Likes Received:
    1,124
    Location:
    Out West
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Other
    Out Status:
    Some people
    @Bastion

    I don’t have kids. I think that really changes the options. Personally, I don’t believe kids would be harmed by what my lifestyle is. I don’t take commitments lightly. But, it is too unconventional.

    What I have took a LOT of work. It took patience. It also took communication. A lot of communication .

    Mu wife and I are so similar in our goals that it is natural for us to be able to keep attaining those goals paramount. Our number one goal is to live our lives together.

    To do what I do you must be decide what is most important. I decided my wife is. She decided I am for her. Now, we just figure it out together.

    What do you want? What does your wife want? What do you need? What does she need?

    Those are real questions you have to address.
     
  9. DecentOne

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Nov 2, 2017
    Messages:
    688
    Likes Received:
    355
    Location:
    East Coast US
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    I had a guy ask me once why I decided to be out. From his point of view it wasn’t necessary, as I wasn’t advertising to be in a male/male relationship. I wasn’t ending my marriage, or adding a guy on the side. He got it when I said it is about me being honest and authentic.

    My coming out started with inner layers. First my wife. Then our kids (all out of the house). Then my Mom. I started with the folks who might have felt hurt that they heard it second-hand. Once that group was done, I felt I could show up and be out wherever (subject to my wife’s fears and shame putting boundaries on me). It helps me feel real. It moves me forward.

    I helped start a social group for bisexuals pre-COVID. Really hard to do, as the stats show fewer bisexuals are out (what, only 12% of bisexual men are out to the people who matter most to them?!). My impression is that you are out to about as many or more folks as most bisexual men @Nickw .

    The CDC stats from this past decade also show that bisexual men are more likely to experience rape and assault than a straight female, or gay male. Is being out an antidote to that? For instance is being on the “down low” putting bi guys into situations where another guy can leverage fear of exposure? Do the perpetrators of such violence figure they won’t ever be held accountable because the bi guy won’t want to report it, for fear that people will find out about their bisexuality? In this way I believe the gay rights struggle to be out and proud can turn around the statistics for bisexuals too - but I wouldn’t ever force a person to be out.
     
    Bastion and Nickw like this.
  10. Bastion

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Jul 29, 2020
    Messages:
    115
    Likes Received:
    40
    Location:
    North America
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Other
    Out Status:
    Not out at all
    @DecentOne

    I find the points and issues you have raised in this post very interesting. Especially the ones about forcing people to be out. It is never a good idea. I have heard accounts of many people doing that. Some I regrettably say I even knew and hung out with at some point. This can be hurtful in many ways and it will never bode well for all people involved. Whatever the issue, to hold that over people heads when they trusted you and came to you with something anything. It’s very deplorable, underhanded and low.
     
  11. Bastion

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Jul 29, 2020
    Messages:
    115
    Likes Received:
    40
    Location:
    North America
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Other
    Out Status:
    Not out at all
    Some views or opinions while reading some literature and articles on bisexuality.

    Firstly it is not very well understood. By both heterosexuals and homosexuals . Or maligned as a hidden homosexuality. To them it creates a certain ambiguity. They don’t understand the bisexual’s ability to share their preferences but not their own aversions.

    Some even find themselves that they have to choose either being straight or gay because of the pressures from both camps and society in general.

    So the interesting question is this does the bisexual ability to be with both sexes raises more problems than it solves or not?
     
    VanBo likes this.
  12. Tom41

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Aug 25, 2020
    Messages:
    4
    Likes Received:
    8
    Location:
    UK
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Out Status:
    A few people
    I've only recently identified as bisexual...I think...but to be honest I'm starting to become less bothered about labels....I think sexuality is more fluid to me and the feelings of confusion around it often seem to evolve from societies need to create labels for people. There seems to be some sort of perceived safety in that.....like.....now we know what you are we can all get on with our lives. The truth is the way I feel about men and women often changes on a daily basis and I feel is largely driven by an innate sexual drive that I have little control over.

    I'm out to my wife only and to be honest I can't imagine being out to anyone else. I think its mainly because I don't want to have to deal with misconceptions that most people seem to have about being bisexual. I know it must be difficult to understand....sometimes I find it hard too. I think until society has less of a desire to create labels and fixed views of sexuality, I would find it hard
     
    Songful, Bastion and Nickw like this.
  13. JessNC

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Aug 3, 2020
    Messages:
    48
    Likes Received:
    29
    Location:
    Greensboro, NC USA
    Gender:
    Genderqueer
    Gender Pronoun:
    They
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Out Status:
    A few people
    I am wrestling with the matter of being out as bi at this point in my life. My wife is aware and is less concerned about my being bi and more concerned about my acting on it (I have, its a conflict we are navigating). Do I claim being bi if/when the topic is discussed among friends? Colleagues? Should I wear a t-shirt? Join a group? Trying to figure things out.
     
    Nickw, Bastion and Tom41 like this.
  14. Tom41

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Aug 25, 2020
    Messages:
    4
    Likes Received:
    8
    Location:
    UK
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Out Status:
    A few people
    Yeah it's really tricky! I'm in exactly the same situation.....my wife doesn't seem to have a major issue about my sexuality too....its just that she's worried I'll want to have more experiences with men and she has no control over that and is powerless to change that. I can't imagine being in a relationship with anyone else but her, but at a same time I can't just stop the way I feel about men too. It feels really difficult to know what to do about it.
     
  15. Bastion

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Jul 29, 2020
    Messages:
    115
    Likes Received:
    40
    Location:
    North America
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Other
    Out Status:
    Not out at all

    Hey @Tom41

    I can relate to most of the points you have raised and say that pretty much we have the same views concerning sexuality and labels, as well as the same situation. I have expressed some of these in my posts. I have pasted a link to a recent post i wrote if you like to read it. It would also be interesting if I can hear more of your thoughts about it. Also How are you dealing with it? that is If you like to share off course.

    https://forum.emptyclosets.com/index.php?threads/where-to-begin.485208/#post-6709752
     
  16. Tom41

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Aug 25, 2020
    Messages:
    4
    Likes Received:
    8
    Location:
    UK
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Out Status:
    A few people
    Thanks @Bastion

    Enjoyed reading your posts. I agree we seem to be pretty much on the same page. From what I've read it sounds like a lot of bisexuals feel the same way too. There is a good TED talk about bi-invisibility and bi-erasure that I watched when I first 'identified' with being bisexual and it really struck a cord with me. Particularly because at the time, most of the feedback I was getting online and from my wife was....are you sure you're not just gay and need time to realise that. It's difficult when you don't feel understood. So these forums where you 'meet' people who understand is really helpful. Doesn't make you feel so alone and isolated in your thoughts anymore.
    How I deal with my bisexuality is kind of in flux at the moment. I go from feeling confused about how I can have all these different thoughts about men and women and trying to reconcile them in my head, to feeling really liberated and free for finally feeling like I am being true to myself.
    My wife is amazing. She is really open minded and accepting of my sexuality, but she needs the reassurance that I love her and I'm not going to just run off with a man in a few years time. I think thats why she needed to know whether I was gay or not. I also went behind her back and met up with a guy so I can totally understand why she doesn't trust me.
    I know now that what I did was wrong. I just needed to know what it would feel like to be with another man....and maybe it was a way I could finally understand all the feelings and thougts I had had for years. The guy I met up with was 15 years younger than me, really hot, and we tried a lot of things. I know now that it was probably not the best idea. Kind of like going for a meal at a buffet, wanting to try everything and then feeling ill because you ate too much! But it was what it was and in some ways I'm glad I had that experience. What I really regret is doing that behind my wife's back. The person who is my best friend and I love unconditionally. I hurt her deeply for breaking that bond of trust we have and I will always regret that. I guess at the time I just saw being with a man as something so separate and different to her that it didn't really occur to me that I would hurt her. I now realise that the issue is about respect for each other and what our relationship means.

    I don't know whether I would want to be with a man physically again. I still find men attractive but I've learnt that doesn't always mean you have to act on that, and if I did....then I know I would talk to my wife about it...thats what she wants too....its not fair on her to feel like I can just have an open relationship when I feel like it. In honesty, the most liberating thing for me is to be able to finally express and talk about how I feel about my sexuality after so many years of being alone with these thoughts.
     
    VanBo, Songful and Bastion like this.
  17. Journey616

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Jul 25, 2020
    Messages:
    27
    Likes Received:
    20
    Location:
    Toronto
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Out Status:
    Not out at all
    Some of these posts it’s like going back in time through my life. Some of these posts I am experiencing now. I’m out to my wife, but I know she worries one day I will turn to her and tell her I am gay. We’re not in an open relationship and it’s been10 years since I’ve been with a man (one and only experience) currently I find myself thinking about men more and more and it’s getting stronger day by day.
     
    Snowqueen likes this.
  18. JessNC

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Aug 3, 2020
    Messages:
    48
    Likes Received:
    29
    Location:
    Greensboro, NC USA
    Gender:
    Genderqueer
    Gender Pronoun:
    They
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Out Status:
    A few people
    I get it. I have had enough m2m playtime that I know it fills a need that is different than what draws me to my spouse. Am I willing to deny that need? And, of course, my relationship with my spouse is a good one in many ways. It seems that many on EC have been in the same place.
     
    Bastion likes this.
  19. Bastion

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Jul 29, 2020
    Messages:
    115
    Likes Received:
    40
    Location:
    North America
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Other
    Out Status:
    Not out at all
    @Tom41

    Your description of your situation and what happened and how you are analyzing and looking at things now seems really similar to what I went through and how I stepped back after the fact because I knew deep down that what I did was wrong and unfair.

    Now am at the exact same position that you mentioned in your last paragraph. It’s been very good though for me to talk about things and discover other people have gone through similar experiences.
     
  20. Dan2469

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Aug 28, 2020
    Messages:
    5
    Likes Received:
    5
    Location:
    Virginia
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    A few people
    A true FWB situation is a lovely thing. I had that for quite a while but lost it as he fell for someone who was truly available. And I am happy for him. But losing him and searching for someone new has been terribly challenging because of my location and Covid.
    A relationship that makes everyone involved content-a more permanent state than happy-should be treasured and is more important than a label. I identify as gay even though I am married. It is my true feeling. I am not out but to very few people as I don’t feel I need to be. If someone found out I would not care at all. But that sense of contentment trumps all if one can have it. My two cents.
     
    Songful and Nickw like this.