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How to Adjust to a New Life

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by IWICCO, Jan 26, 2021.

  1. IWICCO

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    Hello, everyone! I have not been on the forum in a while dealing with a lot in my life over the past few years. My wife passed away almost three years ago, which has made me single for the first time since I was 17-years old (I am now 51). I consider myself bisexual, but I am only interested in pursuing a relationship with a man so I can explore a side of my sexuality I never have. My wife knew I am bi, so literally four days before she passed away (she battled breast cancer for 7.5 years), she told me to be happy and live my life, even if it is with a man.

    This brings me to my request for advice. I have decided to sign up for a few dating apps to put myself out there. I am a relationship kind of guy and want to be with someone. Also, to be totally honest, I am HORNY and don't want to have random hook ups. I want to feel something for the person. After having some guy try to scam me online (that fool thought I was going to give him my bank account information when I had not even seen or talked to him in person!!!), I really want to start a relationship with someone that I or someone I am close to knows.

    It just so happens, I have admired a very close friend's BFF from afar for a while. I kept it to myself because I was married and because it seemed like it would be weird to pursue him because of our friend. I am now at the point I do not care. He and I are both single and I am definitely ready to mingle. I told our mutual friend about my feelings just this past weekend. He encouraged me to send him a friend request on Facebook, but he does not want to be involved (he had a recent matchmaking attempt blow up in his face). I sent his friend the request this past Saturday and he very quickly responded. I then sent a Messenger chat and he again quickly responded.

    We chatted for two hours each day this past Saturday and Sunday. We both discovered we have A LOT in common, including our hobbies and interests. I am at the point in my life where I want to take the direct route and let him know I am interested in REALLY getting to know him. Our friend discouraged me from being so direct. He is afraid I may put him off, especially, if he is not interested. I understand his point and am trying to play it cool.

    What I want to know is should I say screw it and let him know how I feel? Should I play it cool and wait for him to send me another chat? Should I continue dragging this out by sending occasional chats and see how we progress. I updated my profile pic on FB yesterday and he commented that it is a "great photo!" within minutes so I hope that is encouraging. Honestly, because I was in a relationship at such a young age and for so long, this dating and trying to woo someone thing is new to me and feels so odd and frustrating. I just want to be upfront and tell him how I feel. But what if he is NOT interested. I will feel like a fool!

    Signed,
    So Confused!
     
  2. QuietPeace

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    Your friend knows this guy better than you do and so if he believes that you should not be direct or you should take it slower then he likely knows what he is talking about.

    Taking the time to get to know him better will allow you to weigh the real risks of being more direct and it will allow him to possibly initiate. If after you get to know him much better he seems interested but does not initiate it might then be worth initiating yourself. There is always the risk though that it will strain things between you, I had a friend who I had known for years and who I really thought was flirting with me but when I asked her out it nearly ended our friendship.
     
    #2 QuietPeace, Jan 26, 2021
    Last edited: Jan 26, 2021
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  3. DecentOne

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    Hi IWICCO,
    I remember welcoming you back to EC.
    Maybe your friend is right, but from past posts I get the sense you’ve been cautious sharing how you feel, or about who you are. You don’t strike me as a man who rushes in without thinking - maybe overthinking? You are at a stage where you can express yourself, are you using your friend’s opinion to reinforce what holds you back?

    You were working with a therapist at one point, if you still have that available to you then it might be good to talk through.

    I don’t remember if you ever came out to your kids. If you finally did that, how did it go? If you didn’t, or it went wrong is that part of your cautiousness? Did you ever go back to the work friend and reveal (and have a laugh) about how you had felt about him at the time? Did that go ok?

    Have you revealed your orientation to your new friend, who you have been crushing on? If not, how might you slip it into the conversation?

    I’m kind of hoping you take the opportunity to tell him.
     
    #3 DecentOne, Jan 27, 2021
    Last edited: Jan 27, 2021
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  4. IWICCO

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    Wow! You do remember me. Well, a lot has changed. I did tell my work friend how I felt. Actually, he worked for me, which was my major mistake. I told him, he was totally cool with it. I made it CRYSTAL clear I did not expect him to feel the same way and that I was working with my therapist to work through my feelings. I just wanted him to know and that I respected his marriage and mine too much to push it to something else. He even hugged me and told me he loved me at the end of the conversation. Two weeks later, his wife and I (who works in the same company, but different department) and I were butting heads about her not staying in her lane (it is a very lllooonnnggg story). Then a few days later, he and I had a disagreement about a work-related issue and the next morning he went to HR and filed a sexual harassment complaint against me!! I was put on admin leave for two months while an investigation happened. I could have denied it to the investigators because there was no solid proof that I even told him, but I admitted it. I feel they pegged me as guilty before I met with them. Long story, it got very dark for me. I ended up in a mental hospital for 5 days because I basically had a nervous breakdown. Once I got out, that is when I met with investigators. I ended up quitting since the found me guilty of not only harassing him, but trying to make him BE MY FRIEND!! He played the victim act to the hilt!! It was all out of revenge because he knows damn well I never harassed him. In fact, a week before he filed the complaint, I gave him such a good performance review he got a raise. He deserved it and I never let my feelings enter into how I managed him. Anyway, I found another job (same money!!!) before I quit, so I actually my pay from the old and new company overlapped for a week! I got a new fence out of it! :slight_smile:

    This brings me to now. I am doing much better. My wife has been gone for almost 3 years, as I mentioned. I have come out to both my sons, two of my sisters, my four BFFs and a couple of cousins. ALL of them have been super supportive. In fact, they were all like "oh, ok" and my youngest son actually told me he was happy for me. He asked me why was I so relieved he was cool. He said, "dad, you raised me to be this way." AWWWW!! I was like damn, no drama?! I still have not told one sister and my brother. I think my brother will be OK, but my sister won't be. However, not my damn problem! I am committed to living MY life unapologetically and I do not care who does not like it!

    The guy I like is gay. I told him I am bi but he knew me when I was married. That is why I made a point of telling him I came out. Like I said, I am trying to play it cool, but I am a point in my life where I do not feel like playing games. I would prefer to be upfront and just let the chips fall where they may. Someone told me I should put it out there I am looking for love but do not mention I am interested in him. They think it may make him go hmmmm!

    Thoughts???
     
  5. IWICCO

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    I am sorry you almost lost your friend. I like your take on this. He and I are not that close at all. I have met him a couple of times but he is not even someone I would call a friend at this point. In a way, that is why I feel I do not have anything to lose by telling him.
     
  6. DecentOne

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    “I’m looking for love”: Maybe it would make him think and go hmmm. Maybe it would make him believe you’ve put him in the friend zone (because you’re making it seem like you’re asking for advice)? I don’t know the guy, so I’m not confident of any prediction I’d make.

    Personally, I’d rather be approached directly. Even when that happened in my straight years of the past, the worst I would do is politely say I’m not interested. One guy I said I’d definitely want him as a friend. If you can articulate what you’ve always liked about this guy, and how you’ve liked finding commonalities, I’d guess he would be flattered at least. I believe it could work, because that would work on me (but I’m not single, so it wouldn’t go anywhere further but wouldn’t end the good enjoyment of friendship),
     
    #6 DecentOne, Jan 28, 2021
    Last edited: Jan 28, 2021
  7. QuietPeace

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    Then we come at these things from entirely different view points. I would never consider getting romantically involved with anyone who was not already a friend.
     
  8. IWICCO

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    No worries. I am not offended. I want honest feedback. I would normally agree. My ideal is to be friends with someone I would be in a romantic relationship with, so I agree with you. However, I also feel like why play games and not just get to the point. Part of me feels why can we not have sex and still get to know one another? I can hold off on my "life long partner" feelings while he and I have some fun! Don't get me wrong, I prefer to have feelings for some I would sleep with but at the same time I feel we are people of a certain age so let's get it on!