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How should I handle this?

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by rmgreen3, Dec 12, 2018.

  1. rmgreen3

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    Hi Everyone!

    So I have been lurking on here for a few weeks and finally got the courage to post.

    I have read quite a few posts on here and have been really encouraged by all of you. That being said, I just wanted to share my story with all of you and hopefully get some thoughts or feedback!

    I am a 30 year old guy and I have been married to a woman for 5 years, and I have been with her since right after high school. We have an amazing relationship, which I wouldn’t want to change for the world.

    I few months ago I came to the realization that I am bisexual. I feel like it took me so long to come to this realization because I when I was taught about sexual orientation growing up, I was told that you either like boys or girls... and that was that. Obviously I knew that there were people that did identity as bisexual, but I guess I was too ignorant based on my prior assumptions of sexual orientation to acknowledge bisexual as a legitimate orientation. I guess I thought guys identified as bisexual because it was easier way for them to identity than fully gay. With girls who identified as bisexual, I just thought they were doing it to fulfill guys fantasies or get attention or something. I realize now that this was a completely irrational way to view bisexuality and sexual orientation in general, but the reason I share this is that it caused me to not understand that I myself am bisexual.

    I didn’t have a “trigger” like many of you had. Rather, I had an “ah-ha” moment. As I mentioned before, my wife and I have been together since right after high school. I have never had the urge to cheat on her, with a guy or a girl, which may have also caused me to have a delayed realization. Anyways, my “ah-ha” moment was when I was talking with my wife and one of her friends over a couple glasses of wine and they started gushing about how hot this guy all three of us know is. My wife’s friend was really into this guy and she pulled out a picture on her phone to show us. He was half naked in the picture. I looked at the picture and I was said something like “shit he is really fucking hot!”. I said it semi-jokingly... but I meant it. After I said that, my wife’s friend said to my wife “you’re husband is totally bi!”. My wife then looked at me and said in a sarcastic way “you better not like both! That would be so weird!”.

    I know this conversation on its own doesn’t mean much, and it happened after a few glasses of wine. But it did make me think a lot about my sexual orientation. For as long as I can remember I have had sexual dreams and fantasies about in equal proportions about both guys and girls. Also I did have a few crushes on guys, growing up, that I didn’t admit to myself were actually crushes because I was too ignorant to see it. Furthermore, when I walk into room full of people I don’t just notice the hottest girl in the room, I notice the hottest people regardless of gender. Finally, the “nail in the coffin” so to speak of why I am sure that I am in fact bisexual is that in a hypothetical scenario where my wife and I are not together, I would be open to having a sexual and romantic relationship with either a man or woman and can see myself being equally as happy.

    Now the dilemma for me is that now that I have come to his realization about myself, I want to fully embrace it. I think it’s a truly amazing thing that I can genuinely be attracted to people of either gender and I don’t want to hide that from the world. The issue is that I’m afraid that my wife won’t accept me based on her response to her friends comment. It was after a few glasses of wine and she is very pro lgbt, but I’m afraid that she won’t want a husband that is bisexual. Part of me wants to say that it doesn't matter because I am happy being in a monogamus heterosexual relationship. But another part of me feels like I am hiding a part of my true self from not only the world, but the one person in the world that I want to share 100% of my true self with. Honestly the only thing that I would want to change in our relationship is that we could both comment on how hot certain guys are.

    Does it sound like there is hope for me to come out to my wife and actually have a stronger relationship for it? Or would it be best to keep this side of me buried? Does anyone have any suggestions about how I can start to open up about this to my wife? Or figure out if it is something that she would be accepting of? I’d als love to hear some of the good and the bad about your stories, coming out to your partners.

    Thanks for taking the time to read all of that!

    Ryan
     
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  2. SevnButton

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    Hi Ryan-
    Two pieces of advice I'd offer are:
    1) Don't come out as bisexual on your honeymoon (but that's behind you) and
    2) Don't ignore your true self and re-come out 25 years later.
    Those were my 2 big mistakes. It's different for every person, and what will work for you is strongly influenced by your spouse. So here's more advice: be true to yourself and your values, and be sensitive to your wife's needs. In my case, I think my wife is threatened by my sexuality and she fears I'll leave her for some guy. She needs the reassurance that I'm going to stick around. So the challenge is to be open and honest while preserving the emotional and sexual intimacy with your wife.

    This is all very idealistic and assumes your wife is open and self-confident enough to accept your truth. If that's not so, you have the choice of moving on, or clamming up.

    Good luck!
     
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  3. SevnButton

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    BTW I don't recommend keeping that side of yourself buried. It's not healthy, and if it truly is part of who you are, it will come out somehow. It's much better if you express your whole self deliberately, rather than by chance or bad choice.
     
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  4. baristajedi

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    I would say do not bury this part of yourself, this is part of who you are, it is not good for you to bury it, nor is it really possible.

    I would say though start small with your wife, talk about the idea with her, maybe as a hypothetical or referencing another couple where the person has come out as bi, try to feel out how you can broach the subject with her. She sounds like she has some discomfort with it, but it’s likely that given time (based on your sense that she is pro lgbt), she will be ok. But like sevnbutton said, it will likely take lots of reassurance from you and openness and communication. And be prepared for some challenges...but it’s well worth it to be totally yourself, for your own sake as well as for the health of the relationship.
     
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  5. Nickw

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    I told my wife when we first me that I "Didn't believe anyone was totally straight" I had, pretty much, known I was bisexual for awhile and had broken an engagement over it a year earlier. I took her response as "whatever". She was sort of an educated hippy chick back in the day so I thought all was good. But, she never really heard it. 30 plus years of marriage and I finally told her. My sexuality just never mattered. I was so satisfied.

    Middle age comes around and it is very common for men to have a re-awakening of our sexuality. I don't know what the triggers are. But, I know it happens. So, some day down the road you will probably have to tell her because it will likely eat away at you. We start to withdraw and hide because we have this secret. Pretty soon it can affect every relationship. I got to the point that I couldn't even open up to long time friends I was so guarded with this secret.

    It's hard to advise a young guy what to do. I had an incredible marriage for decades and my sexuality was a non-issue. But, then it became a big enough issue that it almost destroyed my marriage. I describe it as a time bomb that will go off.

    That said. Marriages are about trust and commitment. When I finally came out my wife trusted me. That made it OK. I'm not sure how it would have played out earlier.
     
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  6. Rade

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    It's definitely a time bomb as I discovered at 42, I couldn't carry on my life with no same sex relationships and my marriage to my wife blew up....
    But I'm happy in my life now....I walk with my head high and have my sexual freedom.
     
    #6 Rade, Dec 12, 2018
    Last edited: Dec 12, 2018
  7. justaguyinsf

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    My advice would be to be careful. I'm not sure that what you describe is enough to risk a marriage over. Everyone has a lot of facntasies and as a gay male psychologist friend of mine told me "not all fantasies are meant to be acted upon." I think from your wife's comment and the general feelings of most married women, learning that your husband is bisexual is likely to be a bombshell that could lead to a divorce. So count the cost and ask yourself if the potential pros would outweigh the potential cons, both for coming out or just remaining quiet. I would give yourself time to think about your feelings and how serious they (and you) are. If they become a pressing issue that you feel must be acted upon, then it may well be the best thing to tell your wife before there are kids or a lot more time has gone by. And be wary of others' best-case-scenario stories or appeals to being your "true self," which is often exalted to the point that practical ramifications of coming our are completely discounted. I have been married to a woman, had a kid, and also tried dating and having sex with other men since my divorce about 20 years ago. I would have stayed married and repressed my gay side for a solid monogamous relationship, which is often quite difficult to find with another man at least where I live. I hope this helps!
     
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  8. OGS

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    I'm usually the number one advocate of telling people--tell everyone as early as possible, tell your Mother, tell random people in elevators! But I think I have to agree with Justaguyinsf on this one. Don't get me wrong. We come from totally different perspectives. If you want to have a relationship or relationships with men I think you can build a wonderful fulfilling life that way--I have and I know a lot of guys who have. But if what you really want is just to be able to look at hot guys together with your wife, and that really is the sum total of what you want, I just don't think it's worth blowing up a marriage over. I understand the appeal and all. My husband and I do it all the time, and I understand how precious it is to be able to share everything with your spouse, but this one I just don't know that it's worth it...
     
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  9. Nickw

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    I've been thinking a bit more, recently, about how my life would have been had I been more open about my sexuality back in the first decade of my marriage. And, the conclusion, that I have come up with, is that I made the right choices when I was 30. It worked for a long time to keep this part of me to myself. But, I waited too long to tell my wife. I was in my mid fifties. There was about a ten year period from 45 to 55 that I should have been out to her because we had reached that level of a relationship that could handle about anything. I could have/should have shared this part of me with her.

    Some guys I talk to lament having missed out on the opportunity to explore their sexuality when they were younger. I don't at all. I am having an incredibly fun time right now, at nearly 60, discovering parts of me that I always knew were there but kept them safely tucked away. My wife is cool with me having friends with benefits. I have friends I hang out with and be gay...be completely myself...with. It's sort of a dual life but it has been a gift to do this at this time in my life.

    In another thread on bisexual marriages I mentioned that when you reach this point of really NEEDING to express all parts of your sexuality be careful not to become angry. I know I mention this a lot because it happens so often. I was part of a discussion group with middle age guys out to their wives and our stories are remarkably similar in this respect.

    As far as trying to figure out how your wife would react to a bisexual husband, I can't tell. My wife just doesn't care. She loves the checking out guys game we play. She loves teasing me about it. I had no idea she would be so cool and she is a bit irritated that I didn't trust her. Other guys I know had their marriages completely implode and spent years trying to get them back on track.
     
  10. UMedusa

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    Hey, Ryan. After some thought, here is what I think. You should carefully, thoroughly consider how you will tell her, and then tell her. It is OK to observe life and give it some time before you do, but not years. Be reassuring that you love her and just want to be your most authentic self with her, and this is a bit of a Pandora's Box for you. Let her hear that you need and desire her acceptance and love, more than anything. If she seems to take it negatively, ask her if she will consider marriage counseling with you to work it out together. You seem like a careful and grounded person who just wants the freedom in life to enjoy the journey as authentically as possible. This leap with your wife may just turn out great, who knows? But, if you do not talk to her about it now, it will not go away, and you will feel even more conflicted and dopey about coming out in any way when you are even older, and further down your path. It may even lead to sabotage and resentment, simply because you never felt like this part of you was able to exist in your relationship. Being bi doesn't mean being a cheater. But, dammit, it is part of who you are. It influences how you see other people, and just knowing makes life so much easier to navigate. Not everyone needs to know, but your life partner? You could both probably benefit from this conversation. Final caution if you wait? Your excitement that you feel right now about this realization is part of the journey. If you are steps ahead of her, you don't mature through this together. That is not impossible to overcome, but you will have to constantly shift perspective over an even wider chasm.
     
  11. smurf

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    I personally think this is a beautiful sentiment and worth bringing it up.

    I have seen it work with other couples. There is this one friend who is bi, her husband knows and everyone else knows. They aren't open and she doesn't plan to be with anyone else ever, but the whole family goes to LGBT events, they go to pride and its the cutest thing ever.

    You shouldn't have to feel like you are hiding this part of yourself.

    It will be hard though and there is a risk, but there is also a chance that you will get exactly what you need. The hardest thing will probably be convincing her that while you are bi it doesn't mean you want anything else to change, but that you just want to be able to share this piece of you with her. It might take time, but I think there is a good chance she will be fine with it.
     
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  12. SevnButton

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    This is the letter I would write to my 35 year-old self, if I could. I'll share it here, in case it's useful for anyone else.

    Dear Sevn at 35,

    You've taken a huge and honorable step by coming out to your wife as bi. Later on you'll question your judgement of doing that on your honeymoon, but it makes perfect sense. While you're spending all your time, day and night, with the person you've chosen as your life-mate, of course you wanted to open up. Later in life, you may read someone else's sentiments, "But another part of me feels like I am hiding a part of my true self from not only the world, but the one person in the world that I want to share 100% of my true self with", and it will resonate with you deeply. At the age of 35 you've taken that step of revealing yourself, and for all the right reasons.

    Now, what comes with that is a big responsibility. You must be true to your values, respect your wife's sensitivities, and be ready to reject paths that don't feel right. But mostly, keep talking with your wife, even if it's uncomfortable. You know what you want: you chose to get married, and you want a family. So does your wife, There are tensions between you, but there are also huge areas of common interest and values. Yet there's this one aspect of yourself that feels inconsistent with being married to a woman. That's OK. It's actually healthy to have aspects of your life that are not part of your marriage.

    You have told people that you are attracted to men, but you also want to have children, so being gay or straight is a choice for you and you choose to be straight. Later in life it will become clear to you that it's not really such a one-or-the-other situation. It's OK to be attracted to men while being married to a woman, but you and your wife are going to have to work out the boundaries of what's OK and what's not. In your time and place, at the age of 35, there's very little open support for you. But there are respectable places to go and good people to ask.

    With all of life's worries out of the way, on your honeymoon, you gained the clarity that you wanted to share with your life's partner something that is important and very personal. Be proud of it, and be careful with it. You've already discovered that there are people who just don't understand. Find the ones who do. You are a good person. The fact that your sexuality is not entirely straight is a key part of who you are, and it is a good thing. It helps you to be understanding and supportive of other people who feel like they don't fit in. And it turns out that there are lots and lots (maybe even most) of people who feel like they don't fit in.

    With hugs, love, and light,
    Sevn at 60
     
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