i want to come out to my mom but there is just one problem with that. she is highly transphobic. she believes that anyone who says they are trans are and i quote "actors". i don't know what to do. i want to come out to her but i don't know how. oh and my name is Skarlett and i am trans female. i have been dealing with this problem for about 2 or three years now. i just don't know what to do. if anyone has any advise i would love to here it.
Hi Skarlett and welcome to EC, I’m really sorry that you’re in this situation. Do you live with your mum and are you currently dependant on your mum? If so, how do you think she would react if you told her? It’s important that you prioritise your safety, even if that means staying in the closet until you can move out and live independently.
Hello Skarlett, welcome to EC. If you would be in any danger by coming out (anything from verbal abuse and gaslighting to being kicked out) I do not recommend that you come out. Only come out to people who you trust to keep you safe. I know that it is frustrating to have to hide who you are but it is easier than living on the street where you would not really be able to live as your true self anyway at this point. I had to keep it to myself until I moved out at 22 with a job in a different city then at 23 I came out to my parents and they did throw me out but fortunately I was only visiting them and had a place to go back to.
thanks and your right it does hurt to not feel like me. I do live with my mom. I do have my own job and will soon be getting a better job that pays more. with that I should be able to afford my own apartment but I won't make enough to go very far. what do you suggest for if I come out while living near my mom?
For that you need to decide what you want from your mom and your life in general. About just coming out in general. Think about what it will mean for you to be a woman. Decide how you want to communicate that to your mom (or anyone else). Think about what questions they may have and come up with the answers to those questions. If it would be easier for you go ahead and write it all down, the questions and answers. You do not have to hand it over but at least this will cement what you want to say, you can either hand it over, read the answers off or just use it as a memory guide. Now the cold blooded part. If anyone does not accept you for who you are you have to decide how you want to respond. If they want you to pretend to be a guy around them or they will only deadname and misgender you what will you do? Live a double life being your true self most of the time but pretending to be a guy around them? Give them some time and see if they "come around and accept"? (my mother died having never gendered me correctly after more than 25 years). Cut them out of your life entirely? (this is what I wish I had done)
If she is going to hurt you in anyway, don't. For your mental & physical safety, figure out how you can not come out yet not bottle up your true gender. I am sorry if my advice is not good, I am not trans.
thanks for all of the advice. i think i will just keep quiet to my mom for now and when i have a place of my own i will start to transition and i will tell her when the time comes that i have enough confidence to do so. thanks to everyone who has given me advice. if you have any questions about me then feel free to ask.
Skarlett.....Coming out can be wonderful and terrible. Occasionally at the same time! The most important factors in deciding when to come out are: *****Come out when YOU are ready. Don't let anyone push you into it if you are not at the place where coming out is right for you...not them. *****Don't come out if there is a real chance that you will be in danger. That includes being kicked out of your house, having no way to support yourself, having all privileges (phone, computer, friends, etc.) taken away, being verbally or emotionally abused as well as the danger of physical abuse. Waiting can be very difficult, but your safety and emotional well-being are more important. *****Being out in middle school/high school is easier now than it used to be...but depending on your school and your relationship with other students, it can be problematic. Try to evaluate these things and see what you seriously think about the results of coming out would be. Sometimes waiting...even when it is so difficult...is the only safe way to come out. *****Please don't get into a rush about coming out...you have plenty of time! You might want to consider using a letter WHEN the time comes to tell your parents/friends. There are some great sample coming out letters here on empty closets that could be a big help to you. Even if you don't eventually use the letter, taking the time to think about it and to write one will help you be sure to say what you need to say and leave out the rest! An additional plus to a letter is that you don't have to be present when the letter is read. That can be a big help as it eliminates the potential face-to-face confrontation that can easily go bad. It gives the people reading the letter some time to think before they talk to you. After all, you've had years to think about your sexuality...giving them at least some time to think about it only seems fair as well as getting you out of a potentially difficult, emotion-based conversation! Check the letters out (see below)...they could be a real help! *****Also...when you do come out, whether it's tomorrow or a year from now, your parents and friends will probably have questions. Take some time now to think about what those questions might be. Such as; "How do you know you're trans?" or "How long have you felt this way?" etc. The questions themselves will vary a great deal dependent upon your family and friends...so take that into consideration. If you work up a list of five or so questions with the answers already planned, you will be perceived as a more mature, serious person. *****COMING OUT LETTERS: http://emptyclosets.com/home/pages/resources/coming-out-letters.php *****Remember...you are a part of our LGBTQ Family and we do care! Keep us updated on how things are going for you! .....David
thanks and i will keep everyone updated on how everything is going. as of right now i am waiting for me to be able to move out so i can support myself just in case something goes wrong when i go to come out. i plan to move out and live with my cousin when the time comes. my cousin already knows because they are just like me so i felt safe telling them. once i move out i will sit down with them and i will come out to them. or i might use the letter method by using one of the letters that you showed me. thanks so much for the advice.
