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How out do you consider yourself to be?

Discussion in 'Chit Chat' started by Canterpiece, Jul 24, 2019.

  1. Canterpiece

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    My close friends know (and of course, the internet) but a lot of the time it's sort of "I neither confirm or deny" situation. For instance, if someone asked me "Hey, do you have any male celebrity crushes?" then I'd probably just say "No" rather than add "Oh, I'm gay".

    I usually stay quiet whenever crushes are discussed. People don't usually ask me anyway. I'm part of an LGBT society, heck I even made one online once (however, barely anyone posts in it). So it's kind of an open secret. Most people don't know that about me though. I'm usually either assumed to be uninterested in dating, or currently dating whichever male friend I happen to be hanging out with when people see me.

    One time I was asked by someone if I was interested in a male friend of mine, and I wanted to come out but then I lost my ability to do it as a bad memory of homophobic bullying made me stop. Instead, I just said he wasn't my type. Which is true.

    I talk to my friends about it openly, I even plan to go to a belated pride event later on in the week. But I don't feel fully out. I don't go around saying I'm straight or pretending to be, but I let people assume.

    Admittedly, when I watch gay YouTubers I feel slightly jealous. Since they just seem so...confident. They have quite a significant amount of non-straight friends, and are connected to the community. Maybe they even have a "glow up" where they come out, have a bunch of support (and some haters), find a new style and seem so sure of themselves. Comfortable. Not out of place.

    I'm out to my parents but it doesn't feel like it. Nothing changed. We're not any closer because of it. Now instead of "I bet you have a secret boyfriend!" it's just silence instead. Which is...OK I guess.

    Still, there's weird situations where my mum will say something like "*insert name here* said something bad about gays, but I don't think that's right because I know some decent gays like *insert name here*".

    Um, I should hope you do. They just kind of talk about LGBT stuff like no one at the table is, you know? But I feel awkward about pointing that out so I don't and just sit in silence feeling like I never came out.

    I even feel weird about mentioning the fact I'm planning to go to a Pride event, even though I'm out so it's not exactly that shocking, is it? Besides, straight people go to Pride. I'm not sure why it feels so odd talking about that stuff. Weirdly, I almost feel like I'm breaking some kind of rule, except I'm not.

    :confused:
     
    #1 Canterpiece, Jul 24, 2019
    Last edited: Jul 24, 2019
  2. alwaysforever

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    How out would I consider myself to be?

    Even before coming out, it was apparent to other people that I was very different. As a result, I was treated as an outsider from a young age, even before I was aware as to why. I never had the luxury of being able to hide behind a social group. That made coming out when I did figure out I wasn't straight and my gender wasn't what I was raised to expect much easier. I knew that staying hidden wouldn't lead to me being treated any better. I would still be shunned by my local community, and it would still hurt if I tried to hide who I was.

    While people who meet my on the street won't necessarily know that I am trans, they pick up on my being attracted to women and not interested in men socially or romantically. I've gotten more vocal about that as I get older. Living to other people's expectations when I only have one life is a waste of time, especially when I have a shot at being happy.
     
    #2 alwaysforever, Jul 24, 2019
    Last edited: Jul 24, 2019
  3. SemiCharmedLife

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    100%. I'm not super flamboyant and don't go out of my way to tell people, but I do bring up my bf in conversation when appropriate
     
  4. Destin

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    If I don't purposely display it through wearing LGBT stuff or being with my boyfriend, nobody can really tell. I don't hide it if asked though and will talk about it pretty openly. So I'd say like 90% just because I prefer my professors not knowing due to a bad experience with a former professor who found out and totally changed after it.
     
  5. HM03

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    I'd say like 80%. I'm out to all my friends. Most of my family knows, my dad's side doesn't know but they live far away and we don't talk much, so it isn't that big of a deal. I struggle to come out each time I get a job, but for the most part I've at least told few coworkers at each job.
     
  6. C06122014

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    I can't remember the last time I had to come out to someone? I present as a gay man, and so folks just assume. I am so ok with that because then people who choose to be my friends I know, know I am gay. My supervisors all know because I was a part of our "Pride committee" as well, not to mention my involvement with my universities "Rainbow Coallition" I would hope anyone who encountered me knew by now lol
     
  7. PatrickUK

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    Totally and if I meet someone new who doesn't know I will not waste any time in telling them. It's not that I want to shout it from the rooftops, but I can't stand the heavy feeling that comes from skirting around the subject or hiding it and I would rather not have people making assumptions about me that are wrong.

    I can't say it's always been like this, but I've reached an age now where I don't give a shit. If people don't like me now, they never will and I aint changing.
     
  8. Mysteria

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    I'm about 80% out, and I hate that remaining 20%, because it's big, it's family. But it's family who lives at a distance, who I don't see on a day to day basis. So I'm going about my life and being forthright if not confident when it comes up in my daily life, and being discreet but trying to lay the ground work with my family.
    I wish I was completely out. Knowing that there are people who don't know that are important to me really bothers me. I feel a feeling of incompleteness, if that makes sense.
     
  9. Denial

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    I am somewhat out. My family, friends, mentor and therapist know. I haven't told my case manager, psychiatrist, any other doctors, and I tend not to tell strangers or people I don't know well. My case manager and psychiatrist are both very religious so I fear rejection. I get along with them very well so I don't want to have to switch. I'm autistic so I think they think I'm either asexual or straight but too socially awkward to date. I actually did have a girlfriend for seven months though. I wasn't sexually active so there wasn't a medical reason for them to know and I just wasn't ready to come out. Eventually they will find out but I'll cross that bridge when I come to it.
     
  10. LaurenSkye

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    I've never actually told anybody directly. I think my family knows/suspects that I am gay, but they don't know exact details about me being bisexual and gender-fluid. I still dress like a guy around them. I regularly go out in public with my fingernails painted pink, carrying a purse, and occasionally wearing a skirt, so I am pretty much out in public.
     
  11. Being Jess

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    I came out to myself very recently, two months ago. My wife knows as much as she wants to for now. I don't want to break her. Slowly, slowly... 50% of the men in my family are gay - they picked something up when I attended the last birthday party wearing the most beautiful blue nail polish. To be honest I am still figuring this all out though I know this is who I am and I am proud of who I am. No apologies... I hired a personal trainer today and told her I am a gorgeous woman hiding in the body of a fat 36 year old man. We start our work next week. By December the herbal HRT will start showing some good results and I will have the body to match. Then I'll smash those cupboard doors open, erect a statue of my former self and make a bonfire. Have my very own Burning Man. I am feeling very happy, content and free though I need to be aware of the feelings of those around me and watch my step, there be dragons here. Side note - this forum is amazing, just talking about this to others - whether anyone reads it or not doesn't matter- is so therapeutic. It's awesome to say this stuff out loud and speak my truth without worrying about how it will make someone I love feel. I can't wait for my face to match the photo of my profile pic. I look at her and I see me. I bought the ticket, now I am just waiting for the train to come into the station. I love honor and respect myself. Love to you all.
     
  12. Rade

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    I started coming out February 2018 to my wife, 18 months on I'm out to my work colleagues, friends and family. I'm a support worker so I don't tell all the people,a some are homaphobic, mainly the Asian community but please don't think I'm targeting any particular group of people. I embrace everybody.
     
  13. Benway

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    I went back in the closet outside of a few people. I really don't like people knowing I'm a queer. Besides, when it mattered most, I was rejected by the only gay people I knew so I felt dejected and I struggled with my sexuality for a long time. I still do. I largely resent the gay community for the way I was treated by my gay friends at the time and view it as a broken community that will never get off the ground unless some real action is taken.
     
  14. OGS

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    Entirely. I've been out for around 28 years now. Pretty much everyone I know knows or at least knows of my husband so that pretty much takes care of that. I've been an active participant in the gay community for pretty much all 28 years and it's been such a blessing in my life.
     
  15. Jakebusman

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    I'm mostly out I came out to my wife and my mom and best friend earlier this year and recently got a Bi Pride keychain necklace and bracelet
     
  16. bi dystopia

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    Out to most people here, although I've found it quite the hurdle to overcome. Currently the only people who don't know are most of my family, a couple of friends I've not seen in a while and people on Facebook I've not spoken to about it or anything else since I last saw them many years ago and to me they don't really count.

    When I first came out again around 6 years ago, I only told my 4 closest friends because there wasn't any need to tell anyone else - we didn't have those kinds of conversations. As time went on though, I found I was being shut out of relevant things by people, but it seemed an awkward thing to have to drop into conversation. In the end, I just dropped it at the most awkward time possible, but even though its taken a while, it's got to the point where most people in my life know.

    The other reason it took a while was that when I first came out, 11 years ago, all of my friends abandoned me, so I was worried about that happening again.
     
  17. Rose176

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    I've only just come out to myself these past few months so it's VERY early days for me! I can relate a little though as I've also just started a new job and have felt bothered that I've not been able to be more open about myself. Ultimately, I appreciate that it's no one else's business anyway, but I think now that I'm more conscious of my own sexuality, I'm more aware of this feeling that I'm sort of lying by omission about who I am, if that makes sense?

    Thing is, I'm still in a long term straight relationship (we have a house together, married in all but name) *read all of my adult life* and until I can be open with him I feel like I just have to continue presenting to the world as straight. I'm sure I'll post more about this when I feel able to properly articulate!

    For example, last week - I was having a chat with one of my colleagues (who is a lesbian in a co-parenting long term relationship btw) and she's talking about what famous women she'd go out with. She then asks me what famous men I'd go for and in my head I'm trying to think of a random name when I could have given her a list of women we could have discussed! I was as honest as I could be, I just said I didn't know and we got interrupted anyway. I know this was a petty topic, but it hit me how uncomfortable I felt that I wasn't being more authentic to someone I'm getting to know.

    Same goes for when people are politely asking about my personal life, it's like I'm only able to present tiny bits of truth - 'we've been together a long time' 'no, I'm honestly not very interested in us getting married' when I feel like the overarching thing is I'm living one big lie.

    I think I'd be a lot more up front about dropping into conversation about my sexuality when appropriate, particularly with new people, if I can only bring myself to be truthful to those closer to home. Hopefully joining this site can help me in the right direction!

    Sorry if I've rambled a bit - this was my first post and just needed to vent I think!
     
  18. ready2bout

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    Welcome to EC Rose176. I am not out at all and can relate to what you are saying. There are times I just want to shout out I'M GAY when people bring up subjects like who are you dating. I would definitely reach out to your lesbian colleague at work for advise and support.
     
  19. HowdyKTX

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    I’m out only to one or two guys who are in recovery with me. The kicker is that these guys are I are in recovery for sex addiction LOL. A friend I’ve had for 25 years knows. So that’s a total of three others.

    I’m not more out because to be so would threaten my job, and I support a wife and three kids. And, admittedly, I have “God issues.” I believe in God but have a murky relationship with this God because of my sexuality.

    The latter is all about my baggage, not God’s. :slight_smile:
     
    #19 HowdyKTX, Aug 19, 2019
    Last edited: Aug 19, 2019
  20. Phoenix92

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    Well, I am fully out, but also going stealth about my transness.
    As for my Sexual orientation, whenever someone compliments my straight hair, I tell them “it’s the only thing about me that is”