I am 35. I have never had a truly significant relationship with a guy. I am a little petrified by them when they take any sexual interest in me. I have had sex with 4 men, only 4 times in my life. I never really felt much from those experiences. I always thought the guy got much more out of it than me. I am so tired of people asking if I have a special boy in my life, or thinking that I am weird because I am not in a relationship. Recently, I have come to terms with the fact that I have been depressed for an extremely long time. I started going to a therapist and we have been working on combating the depression and my devastating addiction to approval and people pleasing. I have spent my whole life trying to be what I thought other people wanted me to be, or to live up the the idea of what a "nice" girl should do. In the meantime, I have denied my true self for so long that I don't even know who I am, what I like, who I love... This inauthenticity has caused me to numb out my existence. I have pushed friends away. I have anxiety when ever I am around people. I feel sick at weddings or baby showers. The marketing for "love" holidays makes me feel bitter and hopeless. I have had significant friendships with lesbian women. Have kissed a couple. I have never had sex. I have a ton of gay friends and feel glad to support them... but I never really thought I was lesbian. I thought I just portrayed some lesbian stereotypes. Yesterday, my best friends kind of lovingly called me out on the topic. I was so petrified and scared... but I went through my history and realized that there was some relevance to investigating things further. When I got home, I looked up lesbian porn and lit up like a Christmas tree. I have always been more attracted to the female form, but thought all girls thought girls were prettier than boys. I started getting really scared. If I have been denying this for decades, who the hell am I really? Are all my friends going to hate me because I am such a liar? As gay friendly as I thought I was, all these lesbian stereotypes started going through my brain. I started feeling hypocritical. Then, I argued that I didn't like girls the way I thought lesbians did...or didn't like the label of being lesbian...etc. I don't know what to do, who to turn to....what to say. Do I have to be with a woman to really know the answer? Can I not like boys at all if I am a lesbian? What does being a lesbian even mean? Will everyone I know abandon me?
Welcome RoseStar! You have a lot of thoughts and feelings racing through you right now, understandably so. I wanted to respond regarding denial. I am amazed - freaking AMAZED! - at how deep in denial we can be. It really is extraordinary. So don't beat yourself up over it and don't call yourself a liar. I've lived my entire adult life in denial and that's after having had been with a woman, after falling in love and being in a relationship for over a year with her when I was in college. Even in the midst of the relationship, I was in denial as to what it meant regarding my orientation. I just sort of flat out didn't think about it. ANd it wasn't like I had to try really hard not to think about it. I was just in....denial. I went on to marry a man, have children and only in the last year have I finally discovered the truth about who I am. Er, I should say the truth about my orientation. Like you, I've spent years trying to gain everyone's approval, my whole life has been about pleasing those around me so a big part of this journey for me - and sounds like it could very well be for you too - is discovering all of who I am, not just my orientation. You are not alone. I'm glad to hear youre in therapy. Bring all this up there. Talk about it. Give yourself permission to consider and explore things beyond your automatic thoughts and stereotypes. Be kind and gentle with yourself! I thought my life was over...really, I was just resigned to feeling bleh all the time with no hope for any excitement or joy or wonder, etc. Since I've started this process, I feel SO much better...like I"ve been let out of prison. You will too. You're not alone. You will not be abandoned by everyone you know. You're in therapy. You're already doing things, asking questions, exploring. YOu've come to a very supportive place here at EC as well. Make use of all of those things and keep doing the hard work you've begun.
Welcome RoseStar570: Both you & Ohana said lots of stuff I can relate to. Depression yes. Denial. Except for my husband did not date til my 30's. Always found excuses for crushes/ feelings for women. Last summer fell hard for someone who was unavailable but that's when I decided to own it. (being gay) Took a few months to decide to come out to parents/Siblings (all said they were proud of me/loved me). Sounds like you have a strong support system of friends that can help you. Thats a blessing. Now you also have all of us at EC to who understand alot of what you are going thru.Hugs
1. Not necessarily. I came out to my family before I had been with women. You don't have to do that, of course, but at some point, you'll want to let them know that you'll be bringing home a girlfriend and that you expect them to sweet about it. 2. What do you mean, exactly? I like boys okay. I dated them for a while and it wasn't bad. Sometimes I have fleeting attractions to them, like, "Oh, he's a good dresser," or, "Oh, he has pretty eyes." It's just that, at the end of the day, I'd just rather be friends. 3. It can mean whatever you want it mean, but primarily it means "I want to be with women instead of men." I like the word for myself because I like the history, the feminist connotations, and the fact that I'm embracing something that used to scare me. It could mean different things to you. 4. Depends on the people you know. Some people have an easy time coming out and it's totally not a big deal to anyone. Some people don't.
Hi RoseStar, As a man, I can't speak to the specifics of your situation as well as the women who have responded. What I can address is the question of labels and of trying to live up to others expectations. The curious thing about that last part is that we're actually trying to live up to our own expectations of other people's expectations, creating our own obstacles to happiness and self-acceptance. I have found that to be true not only in terms of my sexuality but in a lot of other areas of my life as well. And, perhaps because I'm bi, I have experienced the same misgivings about identities and labels. Trying to see if you can fit into a pre-existing category of "lesbian" strikes me as counter-productive. Just figure out what makes you happy and forget about labels. That's easier said than done, of course. But I think it's the only thing that makes sense. Good luck.
Welcome to EC! Here's my advice. Try it on for size. Don't bother telling anybody just yet if you'd rather not. But ride it. Watch lesbian porn. Fantasize about women. Try it out for awhile, and see how it fits. If it still feels amazing and "right" after some time, I'd say that tells you all you need to know. Lex
