How much can someome with ocd believe in what other people say as totally true?

The funny thing about having ocd is that, only reading this i thought, what if im actually supressing them and it's not bc of the meds. Lol. But it do make a lot of sense, since its clear to me how much my test compulsion got back once i stopped taking meds. Today i even went to the bathroom and tried to test fantasizing and masturbating at the same time, thing that i didnt dos for a while now i just got this huge urge to test again, and it was the opposite, this time a gay friend of mine was doing a bj to me, and since i was masturbating i got hard, i spent 30 minutes there hard trying to masturbate to it, while other intrusive thoughts were popping, at some point i wasnt even thinking about my friend i was just in a weird urge to orgasm and i did without thinking of potentialy anything, just the stimulation and when would think of my friend i just couldnt finish i think... well i wasted 30 minutes of my life

Im pretty fucked up again ngl, i talked today with this friend, i didnt felt anything, just was there playing w him we were talking, all that stuff, but i came home and just thought about testing with him.

So if i consider that i am testing bc of ocd driven, should the result of this not matter? Since i got hard and at some point thought i would orgasm, was pretty weird.

And after this huge mistake im in a bad place w tom of anxiety rn. I just dont want ro be lying to myself, i dont want to take this fucking 4 meds everyday to at the end of the day realize that im just supressing my arousal to man(this is the ocd talking sorry for all this)

Bur changin topics, my meds. I take them not only for ocd, i talked to him that i had problems sleeping, and concetrating, i had imsonia for a while and couldnt focus at my job, school (and sill cant) so thats why i take 3 of them

This is something im trying to figure out yet. Im trying to take all those missing pieces.

Fuck i really regret tesring about my friend just now, the anxiety and fear im feeling rn is crazy


I wont be that open with him, i will stick eith what you said, things about ocd driven, and compulsions and even tho it literally seem it is this way, i still fear im just gay getting normally aroused by a guy and am trying to supress, but i will not take it through that route. Im sticking with the most plausible one

 

Talked wit my psychiatrist

I told him that without medicine my obsessions com back haunting me again, i wasnt graphic but told about the tests i do, he even asked me about it. Told him that the only thing that has been keeping me from getting better is the fact that i have sexual responses when i test ( i even said that i think im forcefully testing) told him that im afraid to be lying to myself and that straight people shouldnt feel this when doing those things.

Even tried asking him if he knew a way i could know what's going on without me having to have sex or go on a date with man. He said he unfortunatelly didnt know since we shouldnt claim im gay just bc i feel something testing and even more when theres a lot going on in my head.

I even mentioned this forum and a ocd forum, told that even gay people are telling me that its ocd and im not gay, but that is hard to believe whenever i will test and get hard or feel some arousal feeling doing it even if i "dont" want to do it.

Told him im afraid i wont ever find a answer, and will never know if im gay.

Basically told him that without meds im fucked up, i test a lot, get messed up, feel like im gay and cant do anything other than test.

He even said that i should treat the obsession since it seems when i take them im not obsessed (in fact i told him that i still test even with medince, but is much more manageable )

He told i should stick with meds bc they are working and im not obsessed when with them

Had a good talk w him, but still am afraid, i dont kniw when i wont be afraid of being lying to myself all this time

 

Im a week with meds and i feeling a lot better, i almost am not testing, just sometimes to check, hope i stop that soon. Notice that i'm not taking zolpidem anymore, since i told my psychiatrist i no longer have problems sleeping. Notice that im feeling low libido too but probably because of one of the meds which increases dopamine.

We will see how it goes from now on

 

Yeah low libido kind helps me ngl.

Today unfortunatelly i tested after 1 week witgout testing, it's a good sign.

Again about bj, don't why im so fixated on that

I will say what i told my psychiatrist and he said he didnt have the answer to it. I dont know why i get hard and feel arpusal whenever i test, maybe stimulation, cant say, and neither does he.

Hope i find the answer soon

Funny is that near my friend i dont feel nothing, any arousal, i dont fantasize when with him, on the other hand woman are really attracting me sexually i think.

Well wish i could find the answer to this fucking compulsion that keeps pulling me back

But, i completed 1 week without testing

 

Yes, i will not run out again, hope things start to get better again.

Once it happens the first time it keeps creating a snowball, i had intrusive thoughts at the college yesterday, and it was still about blowjobs lol. But it was me doing this time, what i'm doing right now is just sitting there and let me feel the arousal or me getting hard and dont do nothing about it. I can't really escape the anxiety that comes along, and most of the times when it comes all those feelings vanish, at some point i was thinking about doing a bj to my friend who was sat right next to me and wasnt feeling anything anymore. Can't say if there's a correlation between the anxiety and the feelings but since i'm probably straight those feelings shouldn't mean anything even if i have then, it would'nt make me gay i guess? So the answer would be to feel them, feel the arousal that it gives, feel the erection happening, if i'm straight it wouldn't mean anything at the end of the day.

That's my conclusion about it

 

Yeah they trully are, they combine and make everything confusing.

I tried searching for a study on this subject, about sexual reactions and ocd, but i dont think anyone ever wrote about that.

 

Meds do take time to show good effects right? I say this because after my first down this week im constantly getting more L's and testing more.

Again, the only thing that keeps pulling me back to testing is the fact that any sort of test makes me hard a ton of times and so the ocd begins too, today i inserted something in my mouth and pretended it was a guy's dick and got hard, why did i do that, to test of course, but the fact that i got hard stucks in my mind and keeps pulling me back to test again and get hard again.

But the funny thing is that at college just from touching and getting close to a girl was enough to make me aroused (such a virgin) and with a guy dont.

Feels like it switched between real life and imagination, at my house i feel like im disgusted by woman, but irl i get hard by them, with mEn its the opposite i feel like im aroused when im at home, but at college dont feel any of this

 

Is ir possible to feel disgusted after masturbating?

I tried fantasizing with woman, going down on her and wasnt feeling good for some reason, ocd and anxiety probably, couldnt feel aroused.

Then i fantasized abou doing again a bj to a transwoman penis and felt a huge level of arousal and orgasmed.


After i felt disgusted by what i did, is it common?

 

Actually yesterday i saw here on this forum people saying they felt disgusted after masturbating to the same sex, not saying is the same thing.

It's so sad that my brain is so hijacked that i don't even know who i am anymore, am i being thruthful to myself? Am i being honest? Am i doing what i always did?.

Can't say if i am myself now, those sexual feelings whenever i test just makes it confusing, how can ocd make me feel sexual feelings for something i dont want to do?

Yesterday my gay friend touched his leg on mine and i felt surprised, this weird feeling came rushing, my genital area was kind hurting for this weird feeling it was uncomfortable, so weird

But at the end of the day all of it ties with ocd

Now transwoman are the only type of fantasie i can use to masturbate rn.

 

But thats what im doing. I'm only fantasizing. But now the only type of fantasy that seems to work for me is transwomen

 

Yeah im doing this, now im omly fantasizing about woman in general (transwoman are woman), i'm also loggin off from forums i was previously on. Because a lot of them say that watching gay porn is gay, or fantasize with transwoman is gay, i'll probably stay here and in a ocd forum.

Btw this could explain why i have this weird feeling, like theres something not letting me enjoy my fantasies with woman making me feel bad, i felt this yesterday trying to fantasize about kissing a girl friend of mine. At first i was only thinking about holding her hand and stuff and was pretty much amazing, but ince i thought about kissing this feeling emerged and i didnt enjoy. could be bc of porn too. So im slowly trying to recover.