1. This site uses cookies. By continuing to use this site, you are agreeing to our use of cookies. Learn More.

How long does it take to get over someone...

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by Soundofmusic, Aug 8, 2018.

  1. Soundofmusic

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Nov 18, 2015
    Messages:
    603
    Likes Received:
    664
    Location:
    Caribbean
    Gender:
    Female
    Gender Pronoun:
    She
    Sexual Orientation:
    Other
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    hi everyone

    So my “catalyst” or “trigger” as we used to call them back in the day in here, has been on my mind A LOT lately. Its been 3 years since we’ve spoken and I though I was over her, but I have found myself getting very sad/nostalgic when I think about her lately, and it’s more often than I’d like.

    The other day I saw old friends who didn’t know my coming out ”story”, so I told them. They asked how I knew it was different and I found myself crying non-stop and saying that I’ve just never clicked with anyone like I’d clicked with my catalyst. And I guess it hit me that I’ve never felt that before OF after her and it hurt to think about because I truly yearn to feel that way again.

    Then today my friends were talking about loving someone so much that they do things with that person that they never thought they’d do with anyone (like giving someone a foot rub lol) and it made me think that I would have done ANYTHING with/for this chick and it made me feel really sad again.

    So I can’t figure out if I’m just not over her or if I’m just longing for that feeling again.

    Just needed to get that off my chest.
     
  2. SweetT80

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Apr 26, 2018
    Messages:
    36
    Likes Received:
    19
    Location:
    Usa
    Gender:
    Female
    Gender Pronoun:
    She
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Out Status:
    A few people
    I think your longing for that feeling again. Those feelings and desires give you a high. Its a chemical shift in your brain. Research it! You may miss her, but I feel its the "high" from it that you miss at this point. And you never forget your trigger crush!

    Go meet new people! Find that feeling again with someone else. Good luck!
     
  3. SoulSearch

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Mar 7, 2018
    Messages:
    320
    Likes Received:
    267
    Location:
    US
    Gender:
    Female
    Gender Pronoun:
    She
    Sexual Orientation:
    Lesbian
    Out Status:
    A few people
    It takes me years to get over people. But like you, I don't know if it's the person, or if it's who I wish the person could be for me. It's all intertwined.
     
  4. greatwhale

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Feb 12, 2013
    Messages:
    6,582
    Likes Received:
    413
    Location:
    Montreal
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    In such cases, there are only two attitudes you can take: longing, or gratitude.

    Longing: a memory is not a reliable record of the past, it is something you are creating in your mind today, it is a present-moment event, and it inevitably filters out some things you may not want to recall...

    Gratitude: if you accept that what you had with your Catalyst was never yours to possess, but only appreciate, it may be easier to feel gratitude for having received the gift of having felt the way you did, and hope too, because you now know the depth of feeling that you are capable of...
     
    #4 greatwhale, Aug 9, 2018
    Last edited: Aug 9, 2018
  5. DreamerAsh

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Jun 13, 2018
    Messages:
    207
    Likes Received:
    97
    Location:
    Oklahoma
    Gender:
    Male (trans*)
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Some people
    It depends on the person. I personally am a hopeless romantic, so it takes me a year to get over anyone and I'm basically head over heels after a month. But, there is a period of time where you're over them, but you keep comparing new people to your ex. That phase takes a while to get over.

    Overall a month-a year on average. Some people bounce back faster than others.
     
  6. toolategrl

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Apr 19, 2018
    Messages:
    17
    Likes Received:
    11
    Location:
    -
    Gender:
    Female
    Gender Pronoun:
    She
    Sexual Orientation:
    Lesbian
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    Hey there!

    Speaking from my personal situation, it takes you as much time as it does to meet the next love. Now that might sound like a cliche but trust me, it is true.
    I met my trigger a yeart and a half ago. I was heartbroken and hopeless after that. I’ve never felt that strong for anyone before in my 27 years of life. Because of her I finally accepted who I am and for this I am grateful. But for the rest-I spent a year and a half after that thinking about her every single day. And trust me I tried my best to forget her, meet other people etc. just nobody gave me the high she did.
    Until a few days ago, when I met this incredible girl and my heart started beating again. Guess if I think of my old crush now?

    So please don’t lose faith, open your heart to the people around you in the present moment. You never know.
     
  7. OGS

    OGS
    Full Member

    Joined:
    Feb 1, 2014
    Messages:
    2,716
    Likes Received:
    728
    Location:
    Chicago, IL
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    I think if you can hold it in your heart as a good thing that happened to you once you can just move on without ever really getting over it. I had a college roommate that I was head over heels in love with. We were inseparable. In fact after college when I came out almost everyone from college said "oh right, you and..." But alas not. It was this intense friendship that never really moved on. When I left to go to India after college he came to the party already drunk and basically cried until he passed out. Later on when I came out to him his response was "wow, I guess that's like a whole lifestyle thing, I'm sorry I could never do that..." It's about as close to full-blown tragedy as my life has come. But it was a beautiful time, a time when I learned so much about myself and what I could feel and who I wanted to be. We still have pictures in our living room of the two of us together. Early on when I mentioned to my husband that maybe, for his sake, we shouldn't' have those pictures out he basically said that he was really grateful to this roommate for making me who I am and frankly he just loves being able to see me during that part of my life and that somehow nothing seemed to really exemplify that period in my life like a picture of the two of us together.

    It's been twenty--seven years I guess. Still not really over it... but that's alright.
     
    dirtyshirt84 likes this.
  8. SevnButton

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Jan 17, 2018
    Messages:
    1,184
    Likes Received:
    970
    Location:
    Southern California Coast
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Out Status:
    A few people
    Hi @Soundofmusic -
    Someone once told me that the amount of time it takes to get over a relationship is half the amount of time the relationship lasted. That gave me some strength to hang in there while I was getting through the pain, but it was a huge oversimplification.

    I was deeply in love with a woman when I was in my early twenties. Truth is, I've never been in love with anyone else the way I was in love with her. She and I both described feeling "love rushes", when the feeling of love would wash over one (or both) of us to the point of bringing us to tears. It was intense, and it was lovely. I thought it was the love for the rest of my life, but it wasn't, and I was crushed. I'm nearing 60 now. I had a dream about this woman last week. I don't think the feelings ever completely go away, but they start to blend into the rest of life in a way that's OK.
     
  9. alwaysforever

    Full Member

    Joined:
    May 28, 2014
    Messages:
    1,158
    Likes Received:
    176
    Location:
    Maine
    Gender:
    Female (trans*)
    Gender Pronoun:
    She
    Sexual Orientation:
    Lesbian
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    Getting over any sort of close relationship can take a long time. Sometimes the scars from a particularly traumatic relationship are permanent. Rather than thinking about the grieving process as "getting over it," it may be more helpful to think in terms of change and acceptance of change. Going back into the past and fixing whatever went wrong is impossible. Life goes on. Sometimes people never find another person they can trust to open up to. Usually however, people find another partner within a few years.
     
  10. Hillary B

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Jul 18, 2017
    Messages:
    242
    Likes Received:
    73
    Location:
    uk
    Gender:
    Female (trans*)
    Gender Pronoun:
    They
    Sexual Orientation:
    Straight but curious
    Out Status:
    A few people
    Thirty years at the last count. Of course I'm well over her. But saw her again 2 years ago. We both have our own families now and kids. She remains pivotal and adopts this 'I *kd up your life sweetie' attitude. But you know, it just makes her still have that dangerous cuteness even tho she is now 46 and I am 51. Yeah I guess I'm very fond but now she looks at me angrily. Almost. And now I'm genderfluid how does that play out?? The same because I always was trans.
     
    #10 Hillary B, Aug 12, 2018
    Last edited: Aug 12, 2018
  11. dirtyshirt84

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Dec 24, 2015
    Messages:
    485
    Likes Received:
    271
    Location:
    London
    Gender:
    Female
    Gender Pronoun:
    She
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Out Status:
    Some people
    I wonder if everyone you have had feelings for like this stays with you in a sense? They make you who you are and maybe sometimes what happens (or in some cases what doesn’t happen) with some people paves the way for what will happen with someone else...

    I think you grow and change and accept. I still think about all my exes from time to time and have a lot of happy memories.

    Feeling philosophical tonight...haha
     
    LostInDaydreams and SevnButton like this.
  12. Hillary B

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Jul 18, 2017
    Messages:
    242
    Likes Received:
    73
    Location:
    uk
    Gender:
    Female (trans*)
    Gender Pronoun:
    They
    Sexual Orientation:
    Straight but curious
    Out Status:
    A few people
    Absolutely right.
     
    dirtyshirt84 likes this.
  13. SevnButton

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Jan 17, 2018
    Messages:
    1,184
    Likes Received:
    970
    Location:
    Southern California Coast
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Out Status:
    A few people
    Oh, yeah! Great observation! Everyone I remember has some lasting influence on me, and the close and stronger the relationship was, the stronger the lasting influence is.

    @dirtyshirt84, that's really good that you remember your exes with happiness. That's not always easy for everyone.
     
    Hillary B likes this.