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How long does coming out take?

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by JonathanW, Jul 29, 2020 at 3:58 PM.

  1. JonathanW

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    I’m still in the process of coming out. It’s eating me alive. My wife knows and my parents and two friends know. They all believe staying close to God will somehow make things fall into place in our marriage. Patience and trust in God are key. I so want to believe God will guide us through this in our marriage. But every day is a struggle. We had friends over for dinner, both recently divorced in separate marriages against their will and now very in love. It was so painfully confronting to see their every move. Every eye contact and remark. I realised that I will never be able to give any of this to my wife the way she deserves. I can pretend like I have for many years but I’m over 40 and cannot imagine how this can go for another 40 years. But I cannot imagine living a different life either. Crushing her soul. Devastating our kids lives. Cannot imagine giving it all up to find a guy and spend my life with him. Cannot imagine new roles. Afraid I’m going against God in all this. How long does coming out take? A lifetime? Will I just be going around in circles on all of this until I die? Sometimes I wish God would just forward this life to the end. It’s so hard, painful and dissappointing to see I’m such a failure in all this, mistreating my wife, marrying her, and now doubting everything and every thought. I could cry all night.
     
    Bastion likes this.
  2. Nickw

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    @jonathonw

    Your post made me so sad.

    We each have different views of religion. But, do you really believe that God would have created you gay if it were some sort of a test? Or, that he created you to feel the way you do if it was wrong? Why would God do that? The love that can be shared between two men or two women is as beautiful as between a man and a woman. This beauty is not something that would be against the will of a loving God. I know that this is different than what you were taught. And, that is hard to give up what you have learned. But, sometimes you have to take a step away from this circular thinking and apply a little logic to the situation. If you really believe God wants you to be happy what would that mean?

    I know it is difficult to think of what coming out and living as a gay man might do to your family. And, it will be rough going for awhile. But, you really don't have a choice in this. Your sexuality is, fundamentally, a part of who you are. Read your post over again to yourself. You cannot be what you think you should be to your wife, your kids, your parents or society if you are living a lie and you are so miserable. It just doesn't really work that way.

    I don't think there is a timeline for making the move away from your current life. It depends on a lot of things (kids ages and needs, financial situation, living situation etc). Maybe you can continue to be honest with your wife and see if there are ways you can work together to make the transition easier? You will make the transition...you must.

    I wonder if you are getting any therapy right now? You may find that engaging a therapist may really help you to develop ways to meet your goals. It may also be something that could benefit your wife.

    Best man.
     
    LostInDaydreams likes this.
  3. OnTheHighway

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    Each persons journey towards self actualization and living our truths will be different. There is not specific timetable. The question you need to ask is if you prepared to do the hard work to embark on the journey in earnest and find out whom you really are? As is often stated, its not necessarily about the destination but it is about the journey. And finding your truth is a journey. For me, it was well worth undertaking. Your asking the question, so clearly your prepared to proceed.
     
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  4. Fuzzy

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    You don't have to be able to imagine a new life with new roles or even a new partner. You don't have to be able to conceive of all that needs to happen. You just need to know the next right thing for you and your marriage. What is that for you?
     
  5. NotTooLoud

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    I love you all, but I disagree. Jonathan has only one life to live and he needs to, at 40+, stop worrying about pleasing everybody else, stop seeking the approval of his wife and his children and his family and in-laws. He has only one life and it is time to devote the remainder of his life to himself. YES, be selfish for a d#mn change!!! I am absolutely certain of this: he will regret it until the day he dies if he does not take his own questioning as a signal. Turn young man, turn, despite what everyone expects, TURN IN YOUR OWN DIRECTION. You have lived the first 40 years for others and now it's your turn to live the next 40 for yourself.