I’m still in the process of coming out. It’s eating me alive. My wife knows and my parents and two friends know. They all believe staying close to God will somehow make things fall into place in our marriage. Patience and trust in God are key. I so want to believe God will guide us through this in our marriage. But every day is a struggle. We had friends over for dinner, both recently divorced in separate marriages against their will and now very in love. It was so painfully confronting to see their every move. Every eye contact and remark. I realised that I will never be able to give any of this to my wife the way she deserves. I can pretend like I have for many years but I’m over 40 and cannot imagine how this can go for another 40 years. But I cannot imagine living a different life either. Crushing her soul. Devastating our kids lives. Cannot imagine giving it all up to find a guy and spend my life with him. Cannot imagine new roles. Afraid I’m going against God in all this. How long does coming out take? A lifetime? Will I just be going around in circles on all of this until I die? Sometimes I wish God would just forward this life to the end. It’s so hard, painful and dissappointing to see I’m such a failure in all this, mistreating my wife, marrying her, and now doubting everything and every thought. I could cry all night.