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How long did it take you to get comfortable saying "I'm gay"?

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by Shadstack, May 3, 2016.

  1. Shadstack

    Shadstack Guest

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    I've tried saying it in the mirror multiple times. Most of the time, I just can't do it but on the rare occasion I can. All under my breath, though.

    I've never actually had to tell someone in person.
     
  2. OutofZCloset

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    I could say I was gay rather quickly but I had a major difficulty saying I was a lesbian. For some reason I was so hung up on that word. It was almost like a label I didn't want or was a shamed of. But it was politally correct to say you're gay. Its like an adjective versus a noun kind of thing. I could act gay but I had difficulty being a lesbian. I don't know how else to describe it. Now 20 years later I can throw lesbian around like its a weapon. :slight_smile: ...just to make all the straight people nerveous. I think it all depends upon how comfortable you are with yourself.
     
    #2 OutofZCloset, May 3, 2016
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  3. gryf

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    I think about two weeks from when I started to realize I can't pretend anymore.
    After the first, terrifying time, is gets easier each subsequent time.
    Mostly my fears were unwarranted.

    Make sure you say it first to someone you know will accept you. That helps a ton
     
  4. Theo Weiss

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    I feel quite comfortable with who I am in a general sense, however, I don't think that I am 100% comfortable saying the words with all the negative responses I've gotten.
     
  5. thatchickcj

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    Six months.
     
  6. DaniellesGirl

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    I know how that feels. It took me months to say "I'm gay" and about a year before I could say "I'm a lesbian". It didn't help that I had people trying to say I wasn't because I'd dated guys before. Unfortunately that will happen at times and it seems like you have to keep explaining yourself. I learned that it really doesn't matter what others think because if you know who you are and are comfortable with yourself, don't let people drag you down and let them dictate what they think you should be.
     
    #6 DaniellesGirl, May 3, 2016
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  7. Juli

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    I'm not really comfortable saying it yet, but I always do if the subject comes up. Like, it was just three weeks ago that I said it aloud in my school to a room full of people in my schools GSA. But when I did it and didn't burst into flames I realized that it's not such a terrifying thing to do, and have actually said it twice in school since then. It's awkward and quiet, but I can do it so yay.
     
  8. SillyGoose

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    I can mutter it under my breath
     
  9. SHACH

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    I'm not even sure what word I wanna be using yet, but I would like to say, about gay being easier to say than lesbian for girls... I think it's because "gay" is an adjective... it describes you like "smart", "tall" etc. its just one thing to describe you as. Whereas "Lesbian" is a noun. There's something more definite and inflexible about nouns. They are the DEFINING thing about you and the adjectives just further that. Like instead of "tall, smart, gay woman" you become "tall, smart lesbian" - like it becomes the main point of the sentence. You know what I mean? Linguistically, it just seems like more of a statement.
     
  10. Shadstack

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    I kind of get your second point, but when did 'gay' become synonymous with 'smart' and 'tall'?
     
    #10 Shadstack, May 5, 2016
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  11. sapphiresky

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    I think it almost took two years for me to feel comfortable saying "I'm gay." Probably because I grew up in a homophobic household. It was really difficult for me to accept myself and my sexuality. Over time, it got easier; now I have no problem saying it (though, I don't typically tell people about my sexuality).
    It's perfectly fine if you only mutter it under your breath right now; I really believe it will get easier for you as time goes on :slight_smile:
     
  12. Canterpiece

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    I still find it hard to say. For some reason, I find it easier to write down instead of saying it out loud. That's why many of my coming outs are either through technology (which can backfire as I have had private messages I've sent be passed around to others, but it is still my preferred method regardless) and/or I try and bend the conversation so the person I'm talking to will ask "are you gay?" so then I can respond with a simple "yeah/yes". I don't know why, but I just prefer having the question asked to me.

    Whenever I've come out, I've only ever used the word "gay". I don't know why, to me it just seems shorter and easier to type. It's short, it's quick, and it's to the point. Plus, I'm lazy. :stuck_out_tongue_closed_eyes:

    I also have some rather negative associations with the word "lesbian" which I'm trying to unlearn and work through. On-line I prefer to be known as a lesbian, but IRL I'll often just refer to myself as "gay" because like I said, I'm lazy. :grin:

    For instance, whenever I think of the word "lesbian", I think of a self-entitled woman who complains about everything and gets offended too easily. I think of someone with no friends. I think of someone who is boring. I think of a porn star, but that's probably because I spend too much time in the YouTube comments section and people say stuff like "Lesbians don't exist, they only exist in porn". :eusa_doh:

    I think of someone who is predatory and dangerously aggressive/ possibly mentally deranged or unstable. I think of someone who is a home-wrecker. I think of someone who'll probably end up being killed (dead lesbian syndrome). I'm trying to work through all this though, but I don't really have as many negative associations with the word "gay" because it feels less personal to me. Don't get me wrong, I know there's plenty of negative associations with the word "gay" but since the word feels less personal and more encompassing it's easier for me to distance myself away from it all mentally.

    Does any of this make any sense what so ever to anyone? :confused:

    I don't mind others referring to me as a lesbian in real life or online though.
     
  13. Butterfly2016

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    I got comfortable with it almost immediately after I came out. It just felt so good to finally know who I was after years of feeling sad and lonely.
     
  14. SillyGoose

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    Yay I managed to say it yesterday
     
  15. IceGalaxy

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    Coming-out-wise, technology has been a life saver. Out of the 11 people I have come out to 7 of them have been through technological means. Even when I don't come out through technology, I always disguise the way I said it (e.g. through a riddle, subtle suggestion or a cryptic drawing). Actually, thinking about it I have only physically said with my mouth "I'm bi" to one person - and that was because he wasn't getting any of the hints!

    I think there is a sense of finality when you come out to someone by saying "I am [insert label here]". It is much easier to hide behind a screen and say it to someone because if worst comes to worst and the person you tell freaks out horrifically, there is always the option to switch of the monitor and pretend nothing ever happened.

    However, after coming out to more and more people, you become desensitized to the fear and grow more confident in yourself. For me, it took coming out to about 4 people at once to finally get over my fear and angst and now I am fine with going up to someone and saying: "Hey, I'm bi!" But I still prefer the comfort of a keyboard and even maybe a riddle.
     
  16. Oh Lilac

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    I still have trouble. I once posted about this very thing. I feel shame attached, and extremely self-conscious. Maybe not even justified. :frowning2:. I am working on it.
     
  17. pasinhose

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    Years actually but one day or short time period about 5 years ago I knew. I dropped the repression and it consumed me. I have no trouble saying it now and it feels natural.
     
  18. greatwhale

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    Just keep at it. Think gay thoughts, think about cute guys, think about having a boyfriend, about what it would be like with him...pretty soon, your thoughts will define this new normal for you, and normal for you will be to say, without even thinking about it: "when I have a boyfriend", or "I love him", or to a girl who may fancy you: "Sorry...I'm gay"...
     
  19. pman117

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    I've just recently come to grips with it myself a couple months ago. I've known I like guys since high school so it's taken my some 10 years to stop trying to think myself into maybe being Bi or not gay. I recently posted a LONG post about me recent struggles under the "Coming Out" section on here. But yea, it's taken me years to understand and be comfortable with being gay.

    I will say that once I decided to stop fooling myself that I became perfectly comfortable telling myself "I'm gay" fairly quickly, maybe just a couple weeks. I do find that I catch myself sometimes, like the word gets stuck in my throat but I can usually say it to myself without much problem. Now I have to figure out how to do that if I decide to come out to anyone =\
     
    #19 pman117, May 10, 2016
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  20. BrookeVL

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    I'm going through something similar. I can say "I'm bi" but only a whisper, and even that's kinda hard in front of a mirror. I can type it or write it just fine. In my head, I'm proud to be bisexual but.....