Hi everyone. I'm going to to outline my story and how i finally came to terms with who i am. It was the hardest thing i've ever had to do, but in the end i'm glad i finally made the leap. If you're in a sinilar position, hopefully i can help you find the confidence to do what's right for you in the long run. I'm a white male that grew up with conservative values i still believe in to this day. As a kid, i always expected to have a wife and kids. Even then i looked forward to watching them grow up, go to school, make friends. I thought that, given the choice, i would never end up in a relationship with anothrr man. It just seemed so foriegn to me. In 6th grade i was inappropriately touched by another kid slightly older than me while i was over at his house. I felt no pleasure. In fact, i hardly remember anything from that night except i didn't like it. Nobody in my family knew this happened until i told them months later, when i was a little more comfortable talking about what happened to me. 8th grade came around and so did puberty. I was ready to start looking for a girlfriend, and i did. I asked a girl out but never really felt anything. When she declined i was upset but not because she didnt love me back, but more because i was rejected; something i hadn't really had to deal with before. I thought to myself " shouldn't i be feeling something at this point?" This si the point where i was starting to figure out that something was wrong. Something was off, but i couldn't figure out what was wrong. That all changed when i moved to a different school. A few weeks into this new school, i started developing butterflies when i went near this one boy. It didn't take me long to realise what was up. I'm gay. I'll never have kids. I'll never cuddle with a wife on the couch near the fire. That dream i had as a kid is as good as dead. That realisation hit me hard. A disconnect formed between me and my body. For years i walked around feeling numb, like my body wasn't mine. I hated it. I hated myself. I hated my feelings. I hated my body. At this point my grades started to plummet. My body wasn't mine. My thoughts were unhealthy. Suicide was a daily thought. Fantasy started to have an unhealthy influence in my life. I put all of my effort into video games instead of school, as it was an excuse to numb my thoughts; because if i'm engrossed in fantasy, i'm not thinking about what's wrong with me. I was told after coming out that for years my eyes were empty, just a hollow shell with a brain inside. I put on a facade, or a character if you will. On the outside. I'm a confident, slightly loud, happy go lucky kid who just wants to crack jokes and laugh all day. On the inside, i felt nothing. My daily thoughts consisted of "Why are you gay?" "You're disgusting." "You don't deserve happiness." Somehow i managed to convince myself that i would live this out in silence for the rest of my life and marry a woman i don't love to fulfill my own twisted fantasy. at the age of 16 my parents had to leave the house for a week, leaving me at home with just me older brother. This was my chance to finally seek some help. I came to this forum, and explained my story. The people here were so helpful that i almost told my brother that night, but i didn't; partly because i wasn't fully ready and partly because it was 4:00 in the morning. But still, i hid; falling deeper and and deeper into the abyss of nothingness. In my last year of high school ihad realised the boy that i had a crush on wasn't interested through cues i'd accumulated over the years, so i backed off. This depressed me even further for a while because now i felt like i had nothing left except family. I hadn't come out at this point for a few reasons. Being afraid of losing my family was one of them but the bigger reason was that i didn't want people's perception of me to change; because at thos point my mind associated 'gay' with 'disgusting' and 'terrible'. And so, in my warped and hollow state coming out for me meant losing everything and everyone, which i could not bear to do. New years eve 2018 came around. I was 18 and unhappier than ever. A few hours before new years i was sitting at the couch with my mom. She said to me "you look empty." I smiled and said "How so?", to which she replied "your eyes are hollow. I can see it. You've been hollow for years. Is something wrong?" I kept up the facade. "Don't worry, mom. I'm fine." I replied with a smile. During the dishes i asked my brother "Do i look empty?" To which he said "you've looked empty for years." This confrontation really upset me. It was the first time i'd realised that by pushing away the ones that love me and keeping them in the dark, i was hurting them way more than being homosexual ever could. And so, the next morning i finally did it. I came out. And let me tell you - it was the single hardest thing i'd ever done. I must have cried for a week, but of course you would expect that from 5 yesrs of supressed emotions and anxiety. The reactions from my family were mixed; some couldn't accept it for a while, while others were nothing more than happy that i finally said something. I've heard people say that it feels like a weight is lifted off your chest, but it doesn't; at least, not for a while. What will happen, howver, is that you will start feeling again. In the short term, it's awful. It felt like my family was broken for a while. In the long term however, it was what was best; and things have settled down again. Since finally coming to terms with who i am, i feel like a person again. I feel like me. The awful thoughts that plagued my head are gone. I'm past it. For anyone reading this, you don't have to say anything straight away, but if you truely believe your family and friends love you, they will eventually come to terms with who you are; because your sexuality does not define you. It does not mean your personality has to change. You are interently you; and the sooner you come to accept it, the better. If you've read to the end, thanks for reading my story. I hope its given you some sort of confidence of you haven't said anything already!
