How does one obtain something they really dont know about?

I got confused on what is the real question. Sorry! All of us are born uniquely and think differently. What could be a simple thing for one could be super complex for another. To know something that you dont, reading and watching random stuff could help. Conversation with different kinds of people will help as well. If you dont know what you really want to buy, just keep on surfing the net. One word can always lead to another online, no matter how vague it is.

 

I think I somehow turned off or blocked feeling more than friends for girls or if I did feel more then I didn’t know what it was. I’m still learning how different things feel for me and am still unsure re attraction etc but I did mindfulness and I should keep doing it really as I do notice more. I feel more and notice smells etc. I guess I’m more present. I have now sort of allowed myself to feel more by telling myself that if is ok to feel what I want to feel and it isn’t wrong. Maybe the trauma is stopping you from feeling because you haven’t quite dealt with it fully?

 

Brainwashed,

I relate to your post regarding the difficulty of accessing feelings buried long ago. It's where I'm at now.

I didn't suffer abuse, however. It seems perfectly reasonable that your experiences caused you to shut down your feelings. I also shut my feelings down, perhaps as Chip suggests, because my feelings weren't safe for me to explore and I didn't learn to place any value to them. After coming out, I assumed that I would just naturally regain my feelings of love and passion, but I have yet to see them emerge. It's what makes me feel broken, as if my unused feelings atrophied and died. It then becomes difficult to date as I have no real reference for my feelings. Is this love? How would I know? If I've never been in love, does my lack of feeling it for my boyfriend mean that I don't really love him, or am I not recognizing the feelings I do have as love, or am I still just broken and not yet healed and those feelings are yet to emerge?

I don't know the answers for us, Brainwashed, but I'll keep looking for them.

 

Yes I’m more into music now and listen to it a lot. Great motivator for the gym and running.

 

Thank you Chip for referencing the book by Gabor Mate.....really helped in understanding my lack of attachment to my parents, need to be attached to friends, fear of being vulnerable, and ability to connect with and relate to my kids!

 

I would seek out a professional for answers.

I’ve been in your shoes due to sexual, physical, and psychological abuse starting when I was two. I couldn’t comprehend a Self due to depersonalized dissasociation, which means my brain didn’t comprehend parts of my body. I still struggle with this— if people touch me, I go into autopilot. It’s similar to a highly attuned prey animal, which is PTSD. Which means the cycle of abuse sometimes gets repeated on accident since I can’t tell people to stop. I thankfully am mostly recovered.

So to come to any sort of identity took years, I mean decades of therapy. I also met someone.

Based off your posts, I really recommend seeking a therapist. They can access parts of your psyche you can’t. Don’t do this on your own, but I recommend one who specializes in EMDR or CBT. Good luck!

 

First off, thanks for the compliment I've been having a rough time so I've delayed in replying this topic.

How does one obtain something they know nothing about and/or does not know exists?
In a general sense, education. Whether specific topics or learning about random topics. The other is through experience.

In my case feelings. This emotion was (my theory) turned off in me between the age of 14-16. Yes basically via what I call teen abuse.
In the case of feelings, I have a more in-depth response.

You said feelings were turned off, so I can assume you had feelings before. Based on what I know about emotions and psychology I know you have feelings still even if you can't access them.

You can obtain feelings by a few broad applications (1) Mindfulness practice, the state of being present without judgement. You can't feel, if you're not present (2) Grounding techniques, actively being present (3) Definitions, knowing what feelings are or are not (ex: feeling vs a thought), knowing how feelings manifest in the body (ex: tension, warmth, redness, breathing changes, heart rate, etc). (4) Coping, new healthy ways to cope with overwhelming situations or daily life so you're no longer checking out to cope. (5) Emotional regulation (6) Processing, integrating trauma, because if the trauma hasn't run it's course your body/mind aren't going to get out of fight/flight mode.

This list isn't exhaustive. It's also not really recommended to go it alone. Figuring out what you need can be tough and overwhelming. Moreover, feeling things again is hard, because you'll start to feel pleasant and the unpleasant. Running back to what is safe and known (numbness) or avoidance is all too easy. I'm saying this from personal experience. I've been having stomach aches, migraines, and "fun" feelings on-and-off for weeks. It bites. Some things are worth it though.

Something you may want to know. The average onset of Depersonalization Derealization Disorder is age 16, though dissociation usually starts in childhood.

History: How was feeling turned off? (theory) Massive abuse of which some abuse events could be called proxy conversion therapy (my term).
As chip said, feelings are there, you just can't access them or can't recognize them. Difficulty with feelings due to abuse (as appose to being born that way, ex: Autism) is an involuntary defense mechanism. It's the mind's way to protect itself from overwhelming situations. It's coping when you have no other way to cope, this is especially true for children. When the mind's only or best way of dealing with problems is numbing, it will keeping going back to that. Anxious? Angry? Bored? Hurt? The mind's answer to everything becomes "disconnect" because it worked in the past.

I do think on-going abuse (as you mentioned here) is a very good reason for your mind to say "Nope, not gonna!" and protect itself by turning off feelings.

History and reflection part 2. I've asked this question on ECs before but I'm changing the format a bit in this post. How do you go out and buy something if you do not know it exist? OK you browse in a store or online. OK thats one way.
To answer literally: Browsing, getting a recommendation from friends, reading articles recommendations on products, commercials.

(Disclaimer for random readers: there are multiple causes for a lack of feeling, including but not limited to: Depression, emotional blunting, alexithymia, autism, dissociation, depersonalization, etc)

 

Interesting question. When i developed feelings for a guy it took me a long time to realise what it was. I had no frame of reference as I had never felt anything like that for anyone of the opposite sex ever. It was so intense and all consuming. It was surprising because I was in my late thirties when it happened. It was like first love and led me on the path to acceptance. Was sort of embarassed that I had not felt like this earlier.The good thing was when I felt those feelings and emotions, I did not fight them but accepted them as they felt so genuine. I did not obsess over what they were or why they were there or for any alternative explanations. Guess I was just relieved! But on reflection I had intense feelings for guys in my twenties which I could not explain at that time and took no notice of.